Date: 01/31/97 08:20:18 AM CST



     ** THE DEATH STAR DAY CARE CENTER **

After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday
that the Death Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying
space station, has added a new, state-of-the-art day care
center to its already vast array of capabilities. The massive
four-room day care center, which, according to Grand Moff
Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for
tots between the ages of one and four," has already begun
spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by June 1.
"Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and
Learning Center," the Imperial Emperor said via holograph.
"With its four classrooms, outdoor playground and
experienced staff of licensed day care professionals, no other
facility can match its awesome instructive power."

Though still several weeks away from full strength, the
Sunshine Death Star Center is already up and running. Among
the most popular activities there are finger-painting, storytime
and Duck Duck Goose, which the Emperor often helps lead.

"Feel your hatred flow through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as
she energetically chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around
the outside of the circle. "Give in to your hatred!"

Disaster was narrowly averted last Friday, when the center took a field
trip to the nearby planet Bespin. At the end of the day, minutes into the
shuttle ride back to the Death Star, adult chaperone Darth Vader locked eyes
with 4-year-old Matthew Schumpert. "Wait," said Vader,
probing deep into the child's mind. "There is another Schumpert."
Vader sensed the presence of Katie Schumpert, Matthew's sister, who was
still back at the Bespin gift shop purchasing souvenirs. He ordered the
shuttle to turn around and averted an embarrassing situation for the new 
day care facility. Vader later added: "Join me, parents looking for a 
safe, dependable child care alternative, and together we will rule the 
galaxy."

In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities,
children at the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Center have already gotten 
to witness the destruction of several planets out the center's giant bay 
window. 

Last Friday, in the middle of a coloring activity, the planet Alderaan
was blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who witnessed the devastating
power of the battle station. The sole exception was Libby Phelps, 3, 
whose family was vacationing in Alderaan at the time of its destruction. 
She was frightened by the loud explosion and began to cry upon realizing 
that her mother, father and younger sister were now dead. The emperor's 
elite squadron of imperial guards leapt to action, removing the girl from 
the room and giving her some ice cream treats to calm her.

According to Death Star officials, the idea for the
center sprang up after a number of parents complained
about the lack of quality, affordable child care options on
the Death Star.

"As a stormtrooper and father of three, I'm very
excited about the new day care center," Death Star citizen
Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe, nurturing environment,
one in which my child will learn."

Added Gail Lindon: "For years I took my daughter to
work because I couldn't afford a nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is
to operate a tractor beam with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?"

As excited as most are about the new day care center, a few extremists
have expressed concern about its proximity to the Death Star's reactor core.
"There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads to the
core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said. "If a small rebel ship
were to somehow break through the deflector shield and enter the shaft, it's
possible it could hit the reactor core with a single,
well-placed proton torpedo shot and destroy the entire space station."

Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such a shot as "a 
million to one."