Date: Fri, 26 Jul 1996 13:41:52 -0700 Subject: Dear Abby Letters Funny Letters to Dear Abby -------------------------- DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? CURIOUS --------------------------- DEAR ABBY: I've been married for six years and have five kids. No twins. My husband still wants to have sex every night and sometimes in the morning too. I told him he should get himself a hobby, and he says that is his hobby. --------------------------- ...I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. --------------------------- ...I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. --------------------------- ...I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. --------------------------- ...Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate doctor? Date: 02/17/97 06:18:59 PM CST Subject: JOKE: Calls to Dr. Laura > >These are excerpts from typical calls to Dr. Laura, American radio talk show >"relationship" expert: > > I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much I'm > not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. > > I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on > the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend > should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss > money with him. > > I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and > when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and > said it would never happen again. > > Will you please rush me the name of a reliable illegitimate > doctor? > > Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who > was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? > > I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do > I get out? > > My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an > hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. > > I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he > drank until one night he came home sober. > > Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a > little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't > and he finally did it. > > My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her > mental pause. > > I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the chief > petting officer. > > Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex > to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in > sex years ago and he is a doctor. > > This is the second marriage for both of us. And when my > husband said "I Will" he knew very well he couldn't. > Date: 02/17/97 06:21:36 PM CST Subject: JOKE: Letters of Recommendation > > >Letters Of Recommendations For Employees > > If you have to write a letter of recommendation for a fired employee, > here are a few suggested phrases: > >-For the chronically absent: > "A man like him is hard to find." > "It seemed her career was just taking off." > >-For the office drunk: > "I feel his real talent is wasted here." > "We generally found him loaded with work to do." > "Every hour with him was a happy hour." > >-For an employee with no ambition: > "He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in." > "You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you." > >-For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled: > "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job." > >-For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job > candidate: > "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an > offer of employment." > "All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or > recommend him too highly." > >-For a stupid employee: > "There is nothing you can teach a man like him." > "I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no > qualifications whatsoever." > >-For a dishonest employee: > "Her true ability was deceiving." > "He's an unbelievable worker." > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >Remember: > >Sincerity is the key to success in life. >Once you can fake that...you have it made. > Date: 02/17/97 06:26:51 PM CST Subject: JOKE: Dear Abby > Funny Letters to Dear Abby... > >DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a >middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. > These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into >their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? > -- CURIOUS > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each >other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never >mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can >get? > -- GERTIE >DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting? > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: My husband hates to spend money! I cut my own hair and make my >own clothes, and I have to account for every nickel I spend. Meanwhile he >has a stock of savings bonds put away that would choke a cow. How do I get >some money out of him before we are both called to our final judgment? He >says he's saving for a rainy day. > -- FORTY YEARS HITCHED >DEAR HITCHED: Tell him it's raining! > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like >to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? > -- CAROL >DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie. > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible? > -- KAY >DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work. > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a >ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby >this big be that early? > -- WONDERING >DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it. > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much? > -- CURIOUS >DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do. > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same >time? > -- JAKE >DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous. > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's >still chasing women. Any suggestions? > -- ANNIE >DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he >ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it. > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't >afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? > -- SAM IN CAL. >DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office. > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write? > -- TED >DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue. > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've heard >a lot about you"? > -- RITA >DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard. > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age >with no bad habits. > -- ROSE >DEAR ROSE: So would I. > >--------------------------------------- > >DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? > -- BESS >DEAR BESS: Night and day. > >---------------------------------------