Date: Mon, 15 Jun 1998 22:44:10 -0700 (PDT)


The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of
the worst possible opening line of a book.  This has been so
successful that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries. 
Some recent winners:

10)  "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break
wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."

 9)  "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

 8)  "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned,
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that
vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty
that defied description."

 7)  "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he
 crept
along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep."

 6)  "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of
 narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon-to
become the woman he loved." 

 5)  "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her
 from
seeking out a living at a local pet store." 

 4)  "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then
 penguins
often do."

 3)  "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese,
 the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

 2)  "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the
 meaning of
the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of
danger and spit in the eye of death-in short, a moron with suicidal
tendencies.

AND THE BEST OF ALL:

 1)  "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept
 along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the
castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown
asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian
lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception,
screaming madly, "You lied!"