Date:     04/22/97 05:17:35 AM CDT
Subject:  JOKE: Rodney Dangerfields Famous One-Liners


>  Here are some of Rodney Dangerfield's best one liners...
>
>
> A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's
> nobody home. I went over.  Nobody was home.
>
> If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
>
> And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing
> to play with.
>
> During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just the other
> night she called me from a hotel.
>
> One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging
> naked.
> I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for?
> He said .... Because you came home early.
>
> Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a
> button fell off.  I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
> I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
>
> When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
>
> I could tell that my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster
> and a radio.
>
> My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as a
> friend.
>
> My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his
> wallet.
>
> When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
> to my father .... I'm very sorry.  We did everything we could .... but
> he pulled through.
>
> My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
>
> I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
> to my father.  He said he wanted more proof.
>
> Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
> find my parents.  I said to him ..... do you  think we'll ever find
> them?  He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they
> can hide.
>
> On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me.
> Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off!   Now its
> different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
>
> My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next Tuesday.
>
> I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went
> to see my doctor.  Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the
> mirror... I feel like throwing up;  What's wrong with me?
> He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
>
> My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him .... If you don't
> mind I'd like a second opinion.  He said .... Alright .... you're ugly
> too!
>
> When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over
> and said.  Look ... twins!
>
> I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told
> me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
>