> > YOU MIGHT BE A CONSERVATIVE IF... > >You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese. > >You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two" > >You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just >allowed to keep more of their minimum wage. > >You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority >here) friend" > >You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare. > >You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty. > >The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're >richer than you. > >You think you might remember laughing once as a kid. > >You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie. > >You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs." > >You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something. > >You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches." > >You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school." > >You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie." > >You answer to "The Man." > >You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because >that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense. > >You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood." > >You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie >of "sexual deviance." > >You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love. > >You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values." > >When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho." > >You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut." > >You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969. > >You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home. > >Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you. > >You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in >America. > >You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties. > >You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me." > >You've ever called education a luxury. > >You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle. > >You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable. > >You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan. > >You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker. > >You're afraid of the "liberal media." > >You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...." > >You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he >is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society." > >You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when >they don't even have shoes. > >You confuse Lenin with Lennon. >