Date: Fri, 22 May 1998 09:41:43 EDT Subject: JOKE: How to Give a Cat a Pill > HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL > 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just > as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice > kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. > 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. > 3. Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat's front paws down with > left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its > mouth with right forefinger. > 4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist > impulse to get new cat.) > 5. Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in > bottle- feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over > cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by > lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in quickly. Since your head is down > by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. > 6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. > 7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good > cry. > 8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat > and pill. Assuming position #1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, > anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops! > 9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing > claws are causing the chaos. > 10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on > floor. > 11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. > 12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. > 13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse > to flatten cat.) > 14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or > woman. > 15. Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its > mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. > 16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. > 17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). > 18. Take two aspirins and lie down. HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL 1. Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. = 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill. 4. Take a new pill from the bottle, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. = 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from atop the armoire. Call = spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from the bottle. Make= note to buy new ruler and curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and= vases from hearth and set to one side for repairing. = 8. Wrap it in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. = 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon. Flick pill down throat with a = rubber band. = 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink another beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt in trash and put on another one. 12. Call the fire department to get the damn cat from the tree across the street. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid hitting the cat. 13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with duct tape and bind tightly to leg of table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from the shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down. =20 14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on the way home to order new table. 15. Call and make arrangements for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell. Call the pet shop and see if they have any hamsters. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL 1. Wrap pill in bacon.