Newsgroups: alt.drugs.caffeine From: Anthony Pacheco Subject: Long "Story" Date: Thursday, October 29, 1992 11:35AM In October 1992, the ABU [a software company?] support team in Bellevue sent care packages of Starbuck's coffee, chocolate covered coffee beans, and Frangos to the North Carolina and Texas ABU teams. This is one North Carolina engineer's account of what happened next.... ---------- From: Anthony Pacheco Subject: Thanks for the Care Package! Date: Thursday, October 29, 1992 11:35AM Bryce, I say, the care package you sent was a big hit here, thanks! Below is a chronological description of the care package consumption: Sometime before Friday: The Care package arrives. I resist all temptation to open-the-package-and-consume-an-entire-box-of-Frangos. Very impressive. Friday 9:45 AM: I arrive early to work and open the care package that was hidden under my desk. I 'm amazed at all the good stuff in side, but somewhat disappointed to find that there were two boxes of Frango (or what ever they are calling them now) chocolate mints: I could have eaten a box and nobody would have known. Oh well. I make a pot of coffee using the robust Yukon blend, and eat three or four chocolate covered expresso beans. I send a message to NCABU announcing the goodies. 10:00 AM: The pot of coffee is gone and ErikaPh, my manager, makes another, which of course I have to sample. All the items are a big hit with everybody so far, except the chocolate covered expresso beans, which are only popular with the real coffee fans (who absolutely love them). Not letting a good thing go to waste, I have a couple more, a mint or two, and start on my second cup of coffee. I notice Erika actually drank two cups from this pot, and I start to wonder how I could approach my manager about making sure she leaves enough coffee for the rest of the queue. 10:10 AM: The pot of coffee is out again so HarveyY makes another. I of course must sample the Cafe Verona blend and indulge in a few more chocolate covered expresso beans. Erika again drinks two more cups of coffee. I frown but say nothing and in my depression eat another Frango chocolate mint. 10:30 AM: There has been a single cup of coffee left for some time, and not to let it go to waste, I drink it. 11:00 AM: KevinCo sees the empty coffee pot so he makes another, and then fills my cup under protest. Erika again drops by and fills her mug, and pilfers some chocolate covered xxpresso beans. For some strange reason, my typing speed has increased from, 25 WPM to 60 WPM, 11:45 AM: For some (unknown) reason, I feel agitated. To bleed of all the excess energy coming from nowhere, I do 92 pushups while helping a University of Oregon grad student with Excel. Out the window I notice Erika is on her second lap running around the building. After all that exercise, I feel thirsty, so I drink another cup of coffee and for a snack down a few more chocolate covered expresso beans. 12:10 PM: I now notice that there are people dropping by my cube that usually don't, in fact, I've seen the entire queue come by and sample some goodies. I try to chat, but for some reason people seem interested in just sampling the various yummy Frangos and the chocolate-almond mocha's. Erika stops by for more coffee and we exchange unpleasantries. I don't recall the exact conversation, but I do remember the phrases "useless stingy middle-manager" and "whiney engineer". For therapy I eat a few more chocolate covered expresso beans and try to look up how to make a car bomb on Internet's rec.pursuits.anarchy. 1:00 PM: I skip lunch, but do drink another cup of coffee and make another pot by request. Getting bored, I pick up the Charlotte phone book and start dialing people at random, asking if they need any help with Excel. Erika comes by for another cup of coffee. I miss her with the stapler, but she wings me a good one with one of those cube coat hooks. 2:00 PM: The entire queue, I believe, is wired with caffeine and sugar. I, being a Seattle native, am immune to these effects. MikeNa is 10 minutes into teaching his 2nd impromptu aerobics class. It is very interesting to watch engineers do jumping jacks while holding their Aspect phones. 3:00 PM: HarveyY has built a small shrine for the coffee pot in the empty cube next to me, and the low humming has started to get on my nerves: "Ohhmmmmm Ohhmmmmm Ohhmmmm ." Some people, I swear. 3:30 PM: The Starbucks Guatemalan blend has been polished off, and a fight has ensued in the hallway on whether to ration the chocolate covered expresso beans for later or continue with the consumption. Hastily, I build a laser pistol out of my MS Mouse card and the power supply from my Mac II CI, and the fight quickly ends. MikeNa shows up and drags the unconscious rebels back to their desks. 4:00 PM: If I could just talk to the cleaning people into lending me some Drain-O, I can complete the car bomb before Erika goes home. The coffee pot is empty again so of course I make another. Nice guy that I am, I drink a cup to sample the brew and deem it Most Excellent. I have a couple of Frango mints to compensate for skipping lunch. 5:00 PM: KevinCo informs me that Erika has been slipping by in camouflage spandex to siphon off coffee with a long straw. I thank him for this valuable intelligence information. In a time-honored Seattle Male Bonding Ritual, we eat 5 chocolate covered expresso beans each. 6:15 PM: I send mail to the entire queue announcing a fresh pot of coffee (after drinking a cup first) and await Erika to sneak by with glee. 6:20 PM: I caught Erika red-handed. I dodge the pen she tried to stab me with, and landed a good blow to her left kidney. As she is crawling back to her desk I hear her mumble something about "time to write a review". 6:25 PM I panic and in desperation, log on to the mail server with a VTP connection. I hack my way into Erika's Xenix mail spool file and quickly write, in the Xenix Borne C Shell, a program that will send an email message every 30 seconds using Erika's email name. I address it to the only people on campus at the time, Corporate Security, and title the message, "I Want Bill Gate's Love Child!". I "cc" ingate!ALL@ibm.com and ingate!JScully@apple.com just for giggles and grins. 7:30 PM: Two security guards show up, one drags Erika away and the other starts packing her desk. I laugh hideously at her shrieks of protest, and in celebration jump in my girl friend's sports car and drive around the Charlotte Coliseum several times at 120 MPH. 8:00 PM: I'm feeling really tired. KevinCo points out that there still an entire box of chocolate covered expresso beans left. Not wanting them to go to waste, we each eat half a box. 9:00 PM After successfully typing my 3rd impromptu novel while helping Betty from Orlando with a data consolidation, MikeNa announces that the queue has been shut off. After the phone call I drink 14 complementary beers, and for some unknown reason, still couldn't get to sleep that night. -- -- alt.humor.best-of-usenet -- -- Funniest postings from USENET, altnet, and the worlds beyond -- -- Moderator's address: best@polaris.async.vt.edu -- Article 6353 of rec.humor.funny: Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: neufeld@southwind.net (Gwen Neufeld) Subject: Juan Valdez Keywords: chuckle, forwarded Date: Mon, 6 Apr 1998 19:30:01 PDT You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When... - You answer the door before people knock. - Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. - You ski uphill. - You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. - You speed walk in your sleep. - You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. - You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You sleep with your eyes open. - You have to watch videos in fast-forward. - The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. - You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. - You lick your coffeepot clean. - You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." - You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you - don't even work there. - You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people's fingernails. - The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. - Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." - You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. - You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet. - You can jump-start your car without cables. - Cocaine is a downer. - All your kids are named "Joe". - You don't need a hammer to pound nails. - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." - You don't sweat, you percolate. - You buy * & * by the barrel. - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's - not plugged in. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. - People get dizzy just watching you. - You've worn the finish off your coffee table. - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. - You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. - People can test their batteries in your ears. - Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. - Instant coffee takes too long. - You channel surf faster without a remote. - When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." - You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity - in a coffee can. - You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. - You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. - You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. - You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." - You get drunk just so you can sober up. - You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. - Your Thermos is on wheels. - Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. - You can outlast the Energizer bunny. - You short out motion detectors. - You have a conniption over spilled milk. - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. - You don't tan, you roast. - You don't get mad, you get steamed. - Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee - during and coffee after. - Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced - coffee to get you in the mood. - You can't even remember your second cup. - You help your dog chase its tail. - You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. - Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. - You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. - You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." - Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.