2001.apr.02 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example. 10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. 12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all afternoon. 14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 27. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. God was my copilot. Then we crashed into a mountain and I had to eat him. Date: Thu, 15 Feb 2001 08:25:37 -0600 >Some of these are pretty funny. (Warning x rated language used) >27 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK > >1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. >3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you? >4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. >5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in >public. >6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again. >7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. >20. No, my powers can only be used for good. >9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. >10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the >subject. >11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. >12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. >13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. >14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. >15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? >17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of >view. >18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. >19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. >21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me. >22. You sound reasonable ... time to up my medication. >23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. >24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. >25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. >26. Who me? I just wander from room to room. > > >Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days >1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine? >2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? >3. Do I look like a fucking people person? >4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. >6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. >7. You! Off my planet!! >8. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. >9. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. >11. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? >14. How do I set a laser printer to stun? >15. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. >16. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. A penny saved is ridiculous Vegetables aren't food -- they're what food eats. "There are only 10 kinds of people in the world -- Those who understand binary, and those who don't." Between two evils, always pick the one you haven't tried. Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge; others just gargle. Article: 4435 of rec.humor.funny.reruns Subject: Smart Comments From: kht@mactao.demon.nl (MacEddie) Keywords: chuckle, swearing, forwarded, originally appeared in Jun, 1999 Try using these some time....... 5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 22) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 23) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? 2.  Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know? 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing? 8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges? 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there? 10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting? 11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"? 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? 13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites? 14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things? 15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds? 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead? 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word? 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one? 27.Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ? Where are we going, and why are we in this handbasket? I don't have hot flashes -- I have short, private vacations to the tropics. I'm not 40-something -- I'm 39.95 plush shipping and handling. I only have a kitchen because it came with the house. Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish. ~ Timothy Jones When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said, 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land. ~ Desmond Tutu America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. ~ David Letterman I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit! I'm a billionaire. ~ Howard Hughes After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box. ~ Italian proverb Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. ~ Betsy Salkind The only reason that they say, 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. ~ Jean Kerr I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't. ~ Jeff Foxworthy When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. ~ Prince Philip A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. ~ Emo Philips. Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree. ~ Spike Milligan Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke. ~ Robin Hall Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. ~ Jean Rostand. Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger. We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ W.H. Auden In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. ~ Jonathan Katz If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. ~ Johnny Carson I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical. ~ Arthur C. Clarke Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. ~ Steve Martin Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. ~ John Glenn If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat? ~ Steven Wright America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. ~ Doug Hamwell The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. ~ George Roberts If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ~ Robert Benchley