> From New York: Harriet, I'm home ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, 
  March 13, 1995.  And now, the world renowned family of high wire
  acrobats ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING A BAD DAYTIME TALK SHOW

 6. Audience members keep asking, "Can we go watch O.J.?"

 1. Hosts keep asking "What would Gump do?"

 5. Guests take turns slow dancing with a tranquilized monkey

10. Whenever host hands microphone to audience member, they say "This
    really sucks!"

 9. You can't tell transsexuals from the transvestites

 2. It stars a small, absent-minded woman named "Rosa"

 7. Host tells every panelist, "Man, you are one screwed up freak"

 4. The topic is "Let's Look For Swedes"

 3. It's just a guy whacking people with a microphone [video clip
    of Dave whacking an audience member]

 8. Every day, the same subject: people who married their fiances