> From New York: The soup today is clam chowder ... it's THE TOP TEN 
  LIST for Tuesday, March 7, 1995.  And now, your bellboy at the
  Hotel Entertainment ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE DOING BUSINESS WITH A BAD BANK
[re-numbered]

 1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez

 3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos

 6. You notice Kato Kaelin sleeping in the vault

 2. Toll free customer service line is 1-800-GET HOSED

 5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped
    in tinfoil

 8. Your monthly statements are handwritten in crayon

 4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants

 7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't
    speak English

 9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at
    your house begging for toast

10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other