[by Dave Barry (?)]

A True Story of Whale Removal

I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on
videotape, which I obtained from the alert father-son team of Dean
and Kurt Smith.  The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon,
which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot,
eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach.  The responsibility
for getting rid of the carcass was placed upon the Oregon State 
highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales
are very similar in the sense of being large objects.

So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am
not making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite.  The
thinking here was that the whale would be blown into small pieces,
which would be eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that.  A
textbook whale removal.

So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of
dynamite next to the whale and set it off.  I am probably not guilty
of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is
the most wonderful event in the history of the universe.  First you
see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame.
Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!"
Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes.  You hear a new sound like
"splud."  You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...
MY GOD!"  Something smears the camera lens.

Later, the reporter explains:  "The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale
blubber fell everywhere."  One piece caved in the roof of a car
parked more than a quarter of a mile away.  Remaining on the beach
were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units.
There was no sign of the sea gulls, who had no doubt permanently
relocated in Brazil.  This is a very sobering videotape.  Here at the
institute we watch it often, especially at parties.  But this is no
time for gaiety.  This is a time to get hold of the folks at the
Oregon State Highway division and ask them, when they get done
cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US Capitol.