Rock Lyrics constitute commerce with the devil
				 by Dave Barry


The way Tipper Gore tells it, the whole thing started last year when
she bought the record album, "Purple Rain," by Prince.  Gore is,
needless to say, the wife of Sen. Albert Gore, Jr. of Tennessee.  It
would be virtually impossible to be named "Tipper" and *not* be the
wife of a U.S. senator.  Prince, of course, is a short oily person.

Back when this particular incident occurred, Prince was widely
considered to be the most wondrously talented young musical genius
since Mozart, so Tipper bought "Purple Rain" and took it home and
played it right in her living room with her 11-year-old daughter.
Wouldn't you absolutely love to have a videocassette of that little
family scene?  Tipper and her daughter, sitting in their living room,
tapping their feet happily to the music of a person whose concept of
an artistic statement is to hurl his black, lace, bikini underwear to
the crowd?

But all went well, Tipper recalls, until Prince got to a song called
"Darling Nikki," where he sings about self-abuse.

Well.  As you can imagine, when Prince made this musical reference to
s--- a----, Tipper, who has somehow managed to become the mother of
four, was horrified.  She related the incident to her friend Susan
Baker, who of course is the wife of Treasury Secretary Jim Baker, and
it turned out that Susan had also had a similar horrible phonographic
experience with her daughter.  Suddenly they realized that this was a
widespread problem, with God knows how many wives of top federal
officials bringing home dirty records and playing them for their
daughters.

So Tipper and Sandy did what any two, average, everyday, normal,
ordinary, concerned mothers just exactly like yourself would do: They
got the Senate Commerce Committee to hold hearings.  The fact that
they were able to do this has nothing to do with the fact that
Sen. Gore is on the Commerce Committee.  The Senate Commerce Committee
would be more than happy to hold hearings for *you*, too, if for any
reason you or your friends ever get upset about something.  That's why
we *have* a Senate Commerce Committee.

At the hearing, the committee heard testimony to the effect that many
rock songs are about drugs, sex and violence. This of course came as a
massive shock to the senators, as it would to anybody who has slept
the last 30 years asleep in a cave on a remote planet.

Susan Baker testified about several disgusting songs that she had
learned the lyrics to, and concluded that they are probably a causal
factor in all these unwed-teen pregnancies you read about.  Such is
the dirtiness of these lyrics that a teenager can get pregnant just
*listening* to them, provided she is unwed.

The committee, trying to be fair, also heard from the other side.
Testifying on behalf of Evil Incarnate was a person named Dee Snider,
who writes songs for a rock band called Twisted Sister, and who claims
there is nothing wrong with his lyrics.

Unfortunately, although Snider had put on his best sleeveless black
T-shirt, his overall personal appearance was nevertheless such that if
you hauled him before any 12 responsible jurors, they would sentence
him to death without asking what the charge was.

Also testifying on behalf of the rock world was Frank Zappa, who is
intelligent and very articulate, but who also named his daughter "Moon
Unit" and once -- you can look this up -- wrote a song about having
sex with a rutabaga.  So these two witnesses, sincere as they were,
failed to make the ideal impression, and the Senate Commerce Committee
had to agree with Tipper and Sandy that "something must be done" about
rock music.

The obvious solution, of course, would be to make it illegal for
Tipper and Sandy to buy record albums without a federal guidance
counselor.  Unfortunately, this would probably violate their
constitutional rights.  So it looks like we're going to have kind of
voluntary mandatory labeling system similar to what we have now have
with the movies, where "PG", for example, means "contains scenes where
young women take showers that are totally unrelated to the plot."

For rock albums, there would be a sticker that would say something
like, "Warning: Key federal wives have determined that this is
disgusting smut," which would serve as a warning to parents
everywhere.

I support this labeling effort, and I do not think it should be
limited to current rock songs.  I think we should also go back and
label older songs, such as "Louie Louie," which everybody knows has
filthy lyrics.  Unfortunately, scientists have been unable to
determine exactly what they are.  All they have so far is:

	"Louie, Louie, oh oh;
	 Something something, etc."

Well, I say a nation that is capable of orbiting a U.S Senator is
capable of determining the words to "Louie Louie," and I think we
should make this a high priority in our overall album-labeling effort.
If any of you out there have decoded this song, I urge you to jot down
the dirty lyrics and mail them to the folks at the Senate Commerce
Committee, 508 Dirksen Senate Office Building, Washington, D.C. 20510.
They'll probably want you to include your name and address.