Excerpts from: Year in Review for 1987 -by Dave Barry January 3 -- Oral Roberts tells his followers that unless they send him $4.5 million by the end of the month, God will turn him into a hypocritical money-grubbing slimebag. 5 -- In response to growing pressure from the United States, the government of Colombia vows to track down its major drug dealers and, if necessary, remove them from the cabinet. 21 -- The Audi Corporation is forced to recall 250,000 cars after repeated incidents wherein parked Audis, apparently acting on their own, used their mobile phones to purchase stocks on margin. 28 -- In the Middle East, Syria has its name legally changed to "Jordan." A welcome calm settles over Beirut as the six remaining civilians are taken hostage. February 3 -- In the ongoing war against the federal budget deficit, Congress gives itself a pay raise. 17 -- In Colombia, police arrest Carlos Lehder for jaywalking and discover, during a routine search, that his pockets contain 1,265,000 pounds of cocaine. Lehder claims to have "no idea" how it got there. 19 -- Mario Cuomo announces that he doesn't want to be president and immediately becomes the Democratic front-runner. 23 -- Panic grips the nation as a terrorist group seizes 150,000 new, improved W-4 forms and threatens to send them to randomly selected Americans through the mail. March 21 -The IRS releases an even newer, simpler W-4 form in response to complaints from a number of taxpayers, all of whom will be audited for the rest of their lives. 27 -- In what is hailed as a major arms-race breakthrough, U.S. and Soviet arms negotiators in Geneva agree to wear matching outfits. April 3 -- In the Persian Gulf, Iranians attack the Islip garbage barge, but are driven off by courageous flies. 13 -- True Anecdote: In National League baseball action, the Atlanta Braves' Dion James hits a ball that would have been caught easily, except that in midair it strikes and kills a dove. 14 -- In Colorado, Gary Hart declares his candidacy for the presidential nomination, making the official announcement while standing in front of a dramatic backdrop of soaring mountains, towering pine trees, and four Miami Herald reporters disguised as rhododendrons. May 5 -- The Iran-Contra hearings begin with Sen. Daniel Inouye doing his hilarious two-hour impersonation of a 78 r.p.m. record being played at 33 r.p.m. 17 -- The U.S. Navy frigate Stark is attacked by an Iraqi jet, which, under our extremely clear Mideast policy, causes us to prepare for violent confrontation with Iran. June 18 -- A survey of Florida residents reveals that their number one concern about the state is that "not enough people are walking around with guns." Alarmed, the state Legislature passes a law under which all citizens who are not actually on Death Row will be REQUIRED to carry revolvers. July 7 -- The central figure in the Iran-Contra hearings, Lt. Col. Oliver North, becomes an instant national folk hero when, with his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, he courageously admits, before a worldwide television audience, that he is very patriotic. 11 -- The Iran-Contra hearings reach their dramatic peak when Lt. Col. North, his eyes glistening and his voice cracking with emotion, makes a sweeping patriotic hand gesture and knocks over his bottle of Revlon Eye Glistener. 15 -- The giant Citicorp bank announces that it has agreed to forgive Mexico's $56.3 billion debt in exchange for 357.9 gazillion chickens. August 6 -- As "Ollie-mania" continues to sweep the country, one of the most popular video-arcade games in the country is a new one called -- this is true -- "Contra." The way it works is, there are are two soldiers on the screen, and when you put in a quarter, it never gets to them. 22 -- Rumors circulate that Gary Hart will re-enter the presidential race. Johnny Carson places his writers on Full Red Alert. 25 -- In what is hailed as a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court decides, by a 7-2 vote, that you cannot count three oranges as one item in the Express Checkout Lane "unless they are all in the same package." 27 -- Georgia Sen. Sam Nunn announces that he doesn't want to be president. Cuomo challenges him to a debate. September 2 -- In Washington, reporters notice that at some point -- possibly during a speech by Sen. Inouye, when everybody was asleep -- the ongoing Iran-Contra hearings turned into the ongoing confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork. 8 -- Researcher Shere Hite releases her scientific new book, "Men Are Scum." 17 -- The market-savvy McDonald's corporation, capitalizing on the popularity of the movie "Fatal Attraction," introduces a new menu item, Boiled McRabbits. 21 -- Professional football players go on strike, demanding the right to "have normal necks." Negotiations begin under the guidance of mediator Mario Cuomo. October 8 -- Three hundred prominent law professors sign a petition stating that Supreme Court nominee Robert Bork has "a weenie beard." 15 -- In an effort to establish that she is not a bimbo, Jessica Hahn appears nude in Playboy magazine. We are pretty sure we must have made this item up. 25 -- The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that the federal speed limit should be raised on highways going through boring or ugly areas, so drivers can get through them quicker. "In Indiana, for instance," the committee says, "it should be 135 miles per hour." November 1 -- In the ongoing heroic effort to trim the federal budget deficit, House and Senate conferees agree not to order appetizers. 15 -- In their continuing heroic deficit-reduction efforts, House and Senate conferees agree to continue working right through their 2:30 racquetball appointment. 22 -- In ceremonies marking his retirement as secretary of defense, Caspar Weinberger is presented with a pen-and-pencil set, built by the General Dynamics Corp. for $352.4 million. 29 -- The world financial community's faith in the U.S. economy is restored as heroic House and Senate conferees hammer out a breakthrough compromise deficit-reduction measure under which $417.65 will be slashed from the $13.2 million pastry budget of the Federal Bureau of Putting Up Road Signs With Kilometers On Them. December 2 -- In a widely hailed legal decision, the judge in the bitter divorce dispute between Joan Collins and Peter Holm orders them both shot. Mikhail Gorbachev appears on "Jeopardy." 5 -- In a cost-cutting move, financially troubled Eastern Airlines announces that its domestic flights will operate without engines. "Most of them never take off anyway," explains a spokesman. 8 -- In Washington, the long-awaited U.S.-Soviet summit meeting gets off to an uncertain start as President Reagan attempts to nominate Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev to the Supreme Court. 9 -- The summit concludes on a triumphant note as, in the culmination of 10 years of negotiations between the superpowers, Gorbachev and New York Gov. Mario Cuomo sign a historic agreement under which both sides will move all of their mid- and short-range long-term strategic tactical nuclear weapons 150 feet to the left. 15 -- Under intense pressure from the U.S. to reduce the trade deficit, Japanese auto manufacturers agree to give their cars really ugly names. 18 -- Playboy magazine offers Tammy Faye Bakker a record $1.5 million if she will promise never, ever to pose nude. 27 -- Oscar C. Klaxton, an employee of the U.S. Department for Making Everybody Nervous, wins a $10,000 prize for dreaming up the concept of a deadly "hole" in an invisible "ozone layer." Copyright 1987 Knight-Ridder Newspapers