Graphic By: Julie Brennan

When I begin to have a problem with makeup is when it enters the protest level. This level, so named for the line "The lady doth protest too much, methinks" (Hamlet, Act 3, scene 2), indicates that, at this point, the makeup is so obvious as to be detrimental. The point of makeup, after all, is to make you look better without making you look like Tammy Faye Bakker. When your eyeliner gets to be more than a quarter of an inch thick, or your mascara weighs your eyelids down so much you look sleepy, it's time to reconsider how much you apply.

The trouble is that this is a delicate subject. I think protest-level makeup - which also usually looks like it's been applied with a trowel - is absolutely hideous unless it's done for comic effect. However, it ain't my face getting drowned in the stuff, nor are those my pores being routinely and carelessly suffocated. Those are my eyes, though, greeted every day by a number of protest-level faces. And for all I know, there are guys out there who love the look of makeup so heavy and so caked-on that it looks like the stuff got mixed with flour beforehand. There's also the very real possibility (and again, something that is none of my business) that the protest-level face is owned by someone who is covering up some severe burns or other striking feature the face's owner would rather the general public not stare at.

And there's also the possibility that the person in question has never had a proper lesson in applying the stuff without looking like you fell into a vat of makeup. Who's going to be the brave soul to say something like, "Excuse me, but did you mean for your makeup to be a half-inch thick?" when the response might be "I like looking like this. My late husband loved it."?

The potentially delicate nature of the subject precludes me from asking people that sort of question. Happily, Whim Internet Magazine provides me with the ability to ask this question: for all you who use makeup like I use words, … why? You can't possibly think anyone believes you look like that when you wake up. Makeup is supposed to look natural (right?), not like Mimi Bobek's face. It's supposed to make you think, "She's cute!" rather than, "What the hell is that on her face?"

My plea to you, fellow proletariats, is to consider if there is someone in your life who uses the trowel approach when applying makeup. Whimfully consider asking why in the ever-loving world of animals used for makeup-testing that approach is used in lieu of something that looks anything like how a human face ought to.

Oh. One more thing. Whim Internet Magazine assumes no responsibility for any damage any involved party may incur upon asking of questions such as "Why the hell do you wear so much makeup? It looks hideous!" and "Have you considered going as Tammy Faye for Halloween?"