Graphic By: Jen Hight

Let's face it: There is nothing more exciting than watching two men destroy each other. That is why duels have been outlawed throughout most of the civilized world. Originally, dueling was exciting. There weren't many rules other than "Law Enforcement can't bust us, because this is a matter of the heart between men that must be resolved between men, and we aren't very good at clear communication." But, the West had to go and civilize dueling.

Instead of a barehanded match between two idiots with beards that ultimately leads to one man ripping his opponent's arms off and beating him to death with them, it became a battle where it was customary to have tea before shooting at each other from a specified distance. And to make matters worse, "civilized dueling" became an act where it was possible for both men to walk out alive- possibly even uninjured.

Eventually, these "civilized" duels led to violent riots, as many spectators had walked long distances to watch them and many beer vendors showed up because they needed to preform their civic duty. These spectators showed up for only one reason: somebody was gonna die, and everyone loves watching that. Nobody, however, loves a riot. Too many people in one fight makes it difficult to observe all of the violence going on and just makes people irritable.

However, thanks to many social, cultural and scientific advances; dueling can be appreciated by the masses once again. In our modern society, we don't care very much about each other anymore, (I mean, frankly, if you're driving on the same street as me and you're not careening off a cliff, then I am highly disappointed with you). Thanks to our multi-cultural American perspective, we no longer wear ugly poofy shorts with stockings, and we are familiar with weaponry that isn't just pistols and tiny daggers and such. Thanks to science... Well, science really is just another word for "new and cool ways to kill each other", so we'll leave that at that.

It is time for us to face the following facts:

1) Killing each other is something we will always do.

2) Fact #1 is fun to watch.

3) If people are going to kill each other, it should be exciting and not last for more than 15 minutes.

Therefore, I feel that it would be a good idea for America to begin dueling again. I think that we should only allow four basic types of matches at first, but ultimately expand to the point where we're just lobbing grenades at each other (a la pro-wrestling, only without the fakeness). I believe the four different types of matches should be "trident" matches, "doused in kerosene and armed with matches" matches, "tank" matches, and "construction site" matches. In all honesty, I feel that dueling would take a cynical, bitter, uncaring and jaded society out of its humdrum life and show the whole world exactly what we're made of: Meat. It's time to institute a new round of Social Darwinism, because if you're living in the number one nation in the world, you shouldn't be number two or lower.