POSITION:
PARENT
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term team players needed for
challenging permanent work in an often chaotic
environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work various hours, which will
include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES: This is for the
rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time,
the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical
challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and
stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability
to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and
battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for
the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality
of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR
ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none.
Your objective is to remain in the same position for years, without
complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills so those in your
charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS
EXPERIENCE: None required,
unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND
COMPENSATION: You pay them,
offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they
turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become
financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The
oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is you actually enjoy it and
wish you could only do more. BENEFITS: While no health or
dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities for
personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right. Forward this on to
all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily
basis. |
If you have any
family members who use drugs, you can get drugs at a discount of 10-20%.
All drugs have a
generic name.
Tylenol is
Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
And so on...
What's the generic
name for Viagra?
Mycoxafailin
other
names were considered Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud,and
Alimpdixafixit. and of course, Ibepokin, Noassatall.
Viagra jokes
I'm so depressed... My Dr.
refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting
a new flagpole on a condemned building.
A man was on
holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for
a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became
sunburned beyond belief.
He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the local doctor for
treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster colored legs and shook his
head. "You must realize that this is only a small village medical
facility," he explained.
"I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this
just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra.
Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn ... what's a Viagra
tablet going to do?"
"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will
keep the sheets off your legs."
STOCK TIP!
Pfizer Corp. (PFE) is making the announcement today
that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and
will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as-is or as a mixer, under the name
"Mount and Do."
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:
"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff
one."
Recommendation:
BUY
Sympathy
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks
for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist
says, "Do you have a prescription?" The guy says, "No, but here's a
picture of my wife."
|
No mj |
Ryan Goodhart, 16,
was arrested for starting a fight with his mom and her main squeeze in the town
of Fort Myers Shores in the F State. Ryan's side of the story: He
wanted to smoke a joint with his mom, but the main squeeze said he didn't have
enough stuff for all three.
MJ as trash
|
WHERE THERE'S SMOKE:
Police in Brechin, Ont., Canada, made a huge haul of marijuana, netting 20,000
plants -- 50 truckloads. Deciding it was too much to burn, they buried it at a
landfill. Big mistake. "The first night, there were 35 guys out
there," said a head shop owner. Once word spread, "there were whole
rows of guys with shovels digging it up all
night and hauling it away in trucks." Police finally wised up and started
arresting people at the dump, charging them with possession of marijuana and
possession of stolen property. (Toronto Star) ...One man's trash is another's
treasure.
Marijuana at the
dump
|
In an Ontario Provincial Police raid near Brechin in October, authorities seized
20,000 marijuana plants, but only a few samples were kept as evidence, with the
rest hauled away to a landfill via 50 truck-trips. However, the word
quickly got out, and a gold-rush of prospectors swarmed over the dump, taking
away as many of the decaying plants as they could, until police were able to
close it off. Several dozen people were said to have grabbed some of the trees,
but only six were caught and arrested. [Toronto Star, 10-4-01]
Stealing marijuana
HELP! POLICE! Emmit Scott, 60, of Roanoke Rapids, N.C., called the sheriff to
say a man had assaulted him. "He had come to my garden and was stealing my
marijuana plants," Halifax County Sheriff's Deputy J.M. Clark quoted Scott
as saying, adding "I told him to stop and if he didn't he was going to get
in trouble." When that threat didn't faze the man, Scott called the
sheriff. Deputies called the resulting haul of pot from Scott's garden
"the biggest marijuana bust we've had this year." Scott said he
"didn't know it was illegal to grow it in your own garden." He has
been arrested, and Deputy Clark suggested he swear out
a warrant against the thief who was taking the plants. "It's still
larceny," he told him. (Roanoke Rapids Daily Herald) ...So there you go:
calling the cops wasn't as dumb as you thought.
Marijuana is a
woman's issue
|
Female leaders of
Britain's large Unison trade union proposed in January
that the organization join the cannabis-legalization movement,
calling it a "women's issue," on the ground that smoking pot is a
no-calorie way to lose weight. [Reuters, 1-22-02]
Lucrecia Ortuno, 30,
was charged in August with injuring her 8- month-old son in a car crash in
Houston, Tex.; according to police reports, she was driving while breastfeeding
him. And Kenneth Herron, 40, was charged with manslaughter in August in Little
Rock, Ark., after his car crossed the center line and collided with another
car; according to police, Herron was driving (with his knees) while preparing
his crack cocaine.
Stupid Courts
The Supreme Court of
Canada ruled in March that two widows can collect on their husbands' life insurance policies even though the men died while
committing crimes (one while attempting murder; the other when
cocaine-filled balloons burst in his stomach). [The Times (London),
2-27-02] [Edmonton Journal, 3-9-02]
After a 35-year-old
man reported to a Brunswick, Ga., emergency room in January complaining of
abdominal cramps, doctors removed 55 thin glass cocaine pipes (one of them 4
1/2 inches long) from his stomach; the man said
he did not realize
they were there because he was always high when he accidentally ingested them.
PRIORITIES STRAIGHT: Officials at
the Millard School District in Hastings, Neb., were very satisfied with the
credentials of substitute teacher Jennifer Woody, 32. Then they found she lived
at a halfway house while awaiting sentencing on her conviction for conspiring
to deal more than 11 pounds of methamphetamine. Woody's probation officer knew
about her job, but didn't reveal the conviction to the school district, which
found out about the situation when asked by the local newspaper to comment on
her arrest after failing a drug test. The state requires criminal background
checks of new school bus drivers, but not teachers. She has been both jailed
and fired. (Omaha World Herald) ..."She was the best chemistry teacher I
ever had," one student said.
An arbitrator ruled
in March that Pensacola, Fla., middle school teacher Robert K. Sites III, 37,
was wrongly fired for showing up at work in a cocaine-distracted state (later
measured at 50 times the level regarded as a "positive" test). The
school has a "zero tolerance" policy on drugs, but it applies only to
students. The arbitrator ruled that Sites is entitled to back pay and benefits
and must be given drug counseling and a chance to get clean. [Pensacola News
Journal, 3-15-02]
Sammy The Bull
Gravano and his son, 24, pleaded guilty in Brooklyn to running an Ecstasy ring,
and wife and daughter have also been charged. Prosecutors say The Bull
didn't really want to get involved but saw the kids' operation was going
hopelessly bad and needed to step in preserve the excellence of the family
name. According to prosecutors, it wasn't exactly advanced b-school training
that made the operation successful, but rather the simple fact that, uh, for
some reason, The Bull's operation (unlike his Ecstasy predecessors' and
competitors') didn't suffer any, uh, inventory shrinkage or missed delivery
dates. Wonder why?
|
Meth use |
Bernardo
Arroyo, 26, Modesto, Calif., was convicted of distributing methamphetamine and
faces a minimum 10 yrs in prison
at his sentencing in
April. Before the trial, Arroyo (a) rejected a plea bargain that would
have given him 2 yrs in prison and (b)
opted for a judge-only trial--because a psychic he consulted had assured him that he would never serve a single day behind bars.
A
Cambridge
University (England) study showed that mice given methamphetamines and
subjected to loud dance music keeled over and died.
Least Competent Criminals
Customs Agent Adventures: Cocaine "mule" Jose Antonio Campos-Cloute
was arrested at the Melbourne, Australia, airport, in September after a
momentary lapse; as he was filling out the Customs form, he absentmindedly
checked the "yes" box on whether he was carrying illicit substances, and
that led to a search. And Briton Alison McKinnon was sentenced in August to
five years in prison in Turkey for attempting to smuggle six pounds of heroin
out, strapped to her chest; she was ready to board a plane home from Istanbul
but was designated for searching only because one of her body-piercing set off
a metal detector. [The Guardian (London), 8-25-00] [The Guardian, 8-25-00]
Mule record
|
Iranian officials found a smuggler with 3.5 pounds of opium in his belly, said
to beat the old world's record of 2.4 pounds (Kenarak, Iran).
|
Not a good drug dog |
A judge threw out charges against a couple carrying 560 pounds of marijuana,
because the search was triggered by the incompetent police dog
"Falco," two-thirds of whose previous discoveries turned out to be
bogus (Knoxville, Tenn.) Even a blind squirrel finds a nut.
Subject: looking
good on drugs
|
July marked the appearance of a glossy, 32-page publication, Mainline Lady,
funded by the Health Ministry in the Netherlands
and designed to resemble a newsstand fashion magazine, for the purpose of
helping drug-addicted women feel better about their health and appearance.
Included are articles on rejuvenating heroin-ravaged dry skin, putting on
weight, and disguising needle marks with makeup, as well as an upbeat horoscope
column tailored to the everyday problems of drug addicts. [Fox News-The Times
(London), 7-30-01]
Depressants
Oxycontin
In July, the parents of the late University of Florida student Matthew Kaminer
filed a lawsuit against the Eckerd drugstore chain and the manufacturer of the powerful
painkiller OxyContin, after Kaminer died of an overdose of the drug that a
friend of his had stolen from an Eckerd store. The parents claim that Eckerd
should have protected its supply of OxyContin better so their son never would
have been tempted to ingest it. [Miami Herald, 7-21-01]
|
Methadone experimental program |
Scotland introduced a system wide experimental program in prisons giving
methadone to inmates about to be released, to allow them to build up a tolerance
so as not to overdose on heroin immediately upon hitting the street.
Our Civilization in Decline
A 45-year-old woman was arrested and charged with demonstrating to her
daughter, 15, and a friend, 14, the best
technique for injecting heroin (Warren, Mich., December).
|
Formerly-heroin-addicted
female inmates so desperately crave methadone |
In March, the Saskatoon (Saskatchewan) StarPhoenix, citing
several witnesses inside the Pine Grove Correctional Centre,
reported that some formerly-heroin-addicted female inmates so
desperately crave methadone that they routinely consume the fresh
vomit of inmates currently on methadone treatment because enough
is still present in the regurgitation. The newspaper uncovered the
practice while investigating the death of an inmate in February.
Said a source, "The whole building knows [that the inmate choked
on vomit]. That's how she died." [Saskatoon Star Phoenix, 3-7-02]
Mr.
Schiff: Nearly every day the FBI and other police agencies have to deal with
people who rob banks. Who are these thieves?...
Mr. Nowinski: "The typical bank robber is a drug addict.
And statistics over the last several years have proven that out."
Mr.
Schiff: That's Special Agent Scott Nowinski in the FBI's Knoxville, Tennessee,
office. He says bank robbers have many different styles...
Mr. Nowinski: "Well, the typical bank robber is just a lone
male, utilizing a demand note which he hands to a single teller. This type of a
robber is usually in and out of the bank quickly, and most customers and
employees don't even realize that the bank has been robbed."
Mr.
Schiff: Nowinski says if you're in a bank that's being held up, don't take any
action...
Mr. Nowinski: "Well, first of all, a person needs to stay
calm. Secondly, they need to comply with the robbers' orders and not make any
sudden moves or do anything that might incite the robbers."
Mr.
Schiff: Nowinski says bank employees and customers should take mental notes on
what the robber or robbers look like. I'm Neal Schiff and that's what's
happening at the "FBI, This Week."
Quadriplegic Louis
Berrios, 32, filed a lawsuit in December in New York City against Our Lady of
Mercy Hospital for a June
incident in which
doctors turned him over to police because they thought his x-ray revealed bags
of heroin in his stomach instead of what they were: bladder stones.
And Vermont social activist George Singleton, 49 and black, with hip-length
dreadlocks, was acquitted in October of DUI in Vinita, Okla., where he had been
arrested because of the bag of suspicious herbs found in his car. (Rather than
charge him with mere careless driving, police kept him in jail for 15 days even
after two blood tests showed him clean and the herb was found by the lab to be
rosemary.) [New York Times,
12-6-98] [Columbia
Daily Tribune-AP, 10-3-98]
Bogota, Colombia,
police arrested three young women for robbery after a number of men woke up to
find their wallets and cars missing. "They dissolved [drugs] in water and
rubbed it into their breasts," a police spokeswoman said. They would then
lure men to lick their breasts, which drugged them to make them compliant.
"After licking the women's breasts, the men lost all willpower,"
police say. (Reuters)
Man robbed after sucking
nipples smeared with sleeping drug
You've heard about the guy who slipped his
gay pick-ups a sedative when he kissed them, then robbed them when they fell
asleep. Now comes word from Thailand of a man who was robbed after he sucked two
women's nipples -- which were smeared with a sleeping drug. Nontakorn Pearsontea,
27, must have thought he'd died and gone to heaven when two attractive women
approached him and asked if he wanted to go to their room. There they dropped
their tops and asked him to suck their nipples. Nontakorn gladly obliged, after
which he entered the darkness. When he awoke, his cash, jewelry and cell phone
(not to mention his dignity) were gone.
Subject: don't smoke
A 78-year-old woman
in Winnipeg, Manitoba, froze to death on
her apartment's
balcony in December when she stepped out for a
cigarette and
accidentally locked the door behind her, exposing her
overnight to
below-freezing temperatures and winds around 40
mph. And a
Livermore, Calif., high school junior was killed in
December in a fight
with a man who became annoyed with him
after the student
gave him one cigarette but refused to give him a
second. [Edmonton
Journal-CP, 12
|
no smoking |
Carl Franklin, 30, was reportedly inebriated and about to urinate
by a fence when Tallahassee, Fla., police called out to him.
Startled, and intending to run, but needing to zip up quickly and yet
still handle the cigarette in his hand, he stuffed the smoke in his
pocket and took off running. A few seconds later, officers noticed
that Franklin's pants were on fire, which did not slow him
immediately, but he did fall down when enough of the waistband
burned that the trousers came down. [Tampa Tribune-Knight
Ridder, 2-19-02] -20-98] [San Francisco Chronicle, 1-1-99]
Questionable Judgments
Inmate Charles H. Hankerd, 39, was arrested on contraband charges in
Valparaiso, Ind., in April after authorities discovered he was selling
cigarettes (a prohibited item) at $2 each to cellmates. To produce his
inventory, Hankerd allegedly had swallowed several plastic bags of tobacco just
before turning himself in at the jail and, once inside, patiently waited for
nature to take its course. [The Times (Munster, Ind.), 4-8-02
A 36-year-old father
was arrested in Norwalk, Conn., in January and charged with allowing his
2-year-old son to puff away on a cigarette in a restaurant. (According to an
eyewitness, the kid handled the cigarette like it wasn't his first one.)
More Evidence that Cigarettes Are Bad for You:
In Cleveland,
Charlene Smiley, 44, was charged in February with fatally stabbing a
40-year-old woman in a dispute over smoking in Smiley's boyfriend's house. And
Michael Raines, 20, was charged with fatally shooting a 41-year-old man in Benton,
Tenn., in October because the man would not return the cigarette lighter Raines
had loaned him.
http://www.ashline.org/ASH/home.html
Another reason not
to smoke
|
Carl Franklin, 30, was reportedly inebriated and about to urinate by a fence
when Tallahassee, Fla., police called out to him. Startled, and intending to
run, but needing to zip up quickly and yet still handle the cigarette in his
hand, he stuffed the smoke in his pocket and took off running. A few seconds
later, officers noticed that Franklin's pants were on fire, which did not slow
him immediately, but he did fall down when enough of the waistband burned that
the trousers came down. [Tampa Tribune-Knight Ridder, 2-19-02]
More Evidence that Smoking Is Dangerous
An 18-year-old
student at the University of Arkansas fell to his death in October from a
fifth-floor ledge, where he had gone to
light up because he lives in a smoke-free dorm. And in November, a
Greyhound bus capsized about 50 miles south of Phoenix, injuring 33, when a
passenger fought the driver for control of the steering wheel at 70 mph,
stemming from his frustration at not being able to smoke on the bus. And
in October, early in the Afghanistan fighting, one of the first Taliban
soldiers to become a prisoner of war had left himself vulnerable when he
departed his post near Deshitiqala in order to buy cigarettes (and he was
captured by the Northern Alliance).
Subject: substance
abuse centers
|