To term it "aggressive violence" is beneath you. (What I wrote, referring to imitative aggressive behavior, was that "many children are themselves treated with aggressive violence - spanking and worse - instead of loving discipline."

If you don't think that spanking is an acceptable form of discipline, fine. You're entitled to your opinion.

Yet you do your readers a serious disservice by using such polemical and inflammatory language to describe an effective and widely used parenting tool.

Proper use of spanking is not an act of violence, anger or aggression. It clearly illustrates to the child that actions have consequences in a manner that the child readily understands.

I have read studies that show that adults who were spanked as children have no greater tendency toward violent behavior than those who were not.

We have a 5-year-old son. He is not spanked often, never in anger, and always with a clear understanding of the behavior that led to the spanking. We have found spanking to be both an effective deterrent to future misdeeds and a means of firmly capturing his attention.

To call what we do "aggressive violence" is insulting and ignorant.

If that baby took his toy and your son hit the baby to inflict an "effective deterrent to future misdeeds and as a means of firmly capturing his attention," what would you do? Is such a hypothetical situation behavior aggressive violence?

In my view, whenever a bigger person hits a littler person, it's aggressive violence. You don't leave a mark? Bravo! You are controlled - and smart enough to avoid accusations of abuse. You never hit in anger? Ah, your spanking is a coldly calculated act.

You model behavior that teaches your son adults hurt children deliberately. You want to effectively deter unwanted behavior in your son and teach him consequences? Can you find no way to do this other than spanking? How limited your knowledge of children and parenting skills must be!

I am truly grateful for your e-mail so that I can inform you and all my readers that I could not agree less with your point of view.

Corporal punishment is the use of physical pain in response to undesirable behavior. Spanking, but one form of corporal punishment, is defined as striking a child with the open hand on the buttocks or extremities to modify unwanted behavior without inflicting physical injury. Ninety percent of families report the use of spanking at least some of the time.

I oppose spanking for the following reasons:

1) Spanking gives the child this message: it's OK for big people to hit little people. I abhor this message, especially today, when violence pervades our culture. You don't hit your boss or a colleague to effectively deter unwanted behavior do you? Why hit a child?

2) Spanking models aggressive behavior as a method of resolving conflict and is associated with increased aggression in children (American Academy of Pediatrics Committee Report: Guidance for Effective Discipline. Pediatrics. 101, April, 1998.)

3) Spanking doesn't work. If the undesirable behavior persists or recurs, in order to maintain the initial effectiveness of the spanking, parents have to increase its severity, which can escalate into abuse.' One study compared 3-year-olds who did-not comply with a timeout, half of whom were spanked and the other half kept behind a low barrier. Spanking was not any more effective in correcting the child's misbehavior than the barrier.

Even if a spanking does get the child's attention, parents must remember that discipline has two goals.

The first is to stop the child from doily something dangerous, hurtful or annoying- compliance right now.

The second goal of discipline is to teach the child how human beings behave when the parent is not around - self-control in the future.

An angry or hurting child isn't learning effectively. Although spanking may result in immediate cessation of a behavior, spanking is not effective as a long-term strategy.

Also, repeated spankings may result in agitated and aggressive behavior in a child, and reliance on spanking often makes other discipline strategies harder to use.

4) Spanking - and "verbal spankings" like put-downs - will make the child dislike the parent, perhaps only temporarily. But this removes from their armament the best thing parents have going for them: the child's loving desire to please the parent they love.

5) Spanking children under 18 months not only can cause physical injury, but the child is too young to understand the connection between the punishment and the behavior.

Spanking older children often escalates in frequency or severity when the child's perfectly normal, though obnoxious,. behaviors become ma" troubling to the parents.

6) Spanking breaks the 11th Commandment: Respect thy children - so they win respect themselves, you and others. We don't hit or hurt those we respect.

You note, without citing a reference, studies showing that spanked children are no more violent than those who were not spanked.

Do some more reading. There are 32 references in the American Academy of Pediatrics article I cited.

You will find that corporal punishment is associated with increased aggression in preschoolers. And harsh parental discipline predicts early and later aggression and violent behavior.

If your son considers spanking to be harsh, discipline, even if you don't, is he at risk for later aggressive and delinquent behavior? Neither of us knows the answer because the causes of behavior are multifactorial. But why take such a chance-'' when there are so many ways of disciplining children without spanking?

Spanking is NOT the only method of discipline that establishes parental authority, acts as a deterrent to undesirable behavior or gets the child's attention. I am convinced it is an impoverished viewpoint that holds nothing short of hurting the child will teach the child who's boss.

Do me a favor. Compare hands again. I can,' tell from your letter that you are a concerned, involved parent who wants the best for your son.

Open your mind to another point of view. Most parents admit to at least one swat. I admits to a few myself. But I deeply regret my past lack of knowledge about effective parenting techniques and strategies. That's why in my present work I teach parents better ways of doing their important job -the most important job in the world.

Parents can learn to use many effective discipline strategies. I have repeatedly written in these columns about the Effective Command, Timeout, Attention-less Hold and Logical Consequences.

For reprints of my Do's and Don't's of Discipline, send a self-addressed, stamped, legal-size envelope to me c/o The Arizona Daily Star, P.O. Box 26807, Tucson, AZ 85726.

I teach parents four simple strategies:

1) KNOW YOURSELF. Understand your own feelings about discipline, and if you are ever so angry you want to spank, take a parental timeout.

2) KNOW YOUR CHILD. Read about child development so you have an idea about what to expect from your child. Spend time with your child so you can understand and work with your child's personality and temperament.

3) ACCEPT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AND LET YOUR CHILD KNOW YOU ARE IN CHARGE. It's your job to be in charge.

4) LEARN EFFECTIVE, DISCIPLINE TECHNIQUES.

Marilyn Heins, a Tucson pediatrician, author and educator, answers questions about parenting child-rearing and children's health. Address questions to: Dr. Marilyn Heins, The Arizona Daily Star, P.O. Box 26807, Tucson, AZ 85726 or send her an e-mail at mheins@azstarnet.com