> From New York: The wild, wild East ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, 
  February 13, 1995.  And now, the replacement shortstop for the New York
  Mets ... David Letterman!

> From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ...

[renumbered]
TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE

10. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt"

 9. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower Administration

 8. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards

 7. You get a heart-filled box filled with angry hornets

 6. The babes just don't seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform

 5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards -- and you're a woman

 4. Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted"

 3. You're taking private tutorials with Joycelyn Elders

 2. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you

 1. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy



Excerpted [and renumbered] from the
book "I'm so tired of other people, I'm dating myself."

Top ten way *I'm* spending this valentine's day.

10.  Watching "Fatal Attraction" over and over to remind me what I'm not 
missing.

9.  Trying to decide how much to pay for sex ... $20, $50, $200, the rest
of my life?

8. Wondering if the Asian mail order woman company really has a money-back
guarantee.

7.  Calling all the women I've gone out with in the last year, and asking
them if they enjoyed my wedding presents.

6.  Renting the Jocelyn Elders workout video.

5.  Waiting until tomorrow when I can buy all the really cheap chocolate,
then eating like a pig.

4.  Taking my significant other, Candy, to be patched at the local bicycle
repair shop.

3.  Compaigning for a law banning the following phrases:
	Can't we just be friends?
	I think of you as a brother. (sister)
	I mean *sleep* together.
	You'd like him -- he's a lot like you.
	My boyfriend (girlfriend) and i got back together.
	Sure, I'll go out with you.. but only casually (at first this
	  seems innocent until you realize it means "You buy me food, movies, and
	  parking, and in the end, I'll break your heart")
	You're the only one for me. (when said by a man)
	You can trust me. (ditto)
	Someday, it'll happen to you (when said by anyone married).

2.  Going cherub hunting with some anti-tank missiles.

....and the #1 way I'm spending valentine's:
 
1.  Ignoring everyone, being surly, anti-social and just generally bitter 
about not owning stock in Hallmark.