Woody Allen: I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. Al Bernstein: Spring being a tough act to follow, God created June. Isn't is strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortunetellers take economists seriously. -- quoted in Cincinnati Enquirer Tom Stoppard: Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? What is reality but a collective hunch? ... Reality is fine in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's too confining. -- Lilly Tomlin Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun. -- Earl Wilson Anybody who profits from the experience of others probably writes biographies. -- Franklin P. Jones I'm proud to be paying taxes in the U.S. The only thing is -- I could be just as proud for half the money. -- Arthur Godfrey I'm always surprised that more people aren't solopsists. Don't you feel more like you do now than when you came in? You know what I hate? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry M. Camp Never underestimate the baud rate of a station wagon filled with floppies. -- Andrew Tanenbaum [modified by William Gibson] There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. The earlier you fall behind, the longer you have to catch up. -- Rich Snyder Money is simply alcohol in a more easily transportable form. My karma just ran over my dogma. I have a friend in cheeses. -- ian [on a t-shirt:] Jesus Hates Me. Anyone who makes a blanket statment is a fool. -- from a fortune cookie Women have to work twice as hard as men to be considered half as good. Fortunately, it isn't difficult. Hummingbirds are nature's way of teaching humility to cats. Absence makes the heart go wander. Familiarity breeds attempt. Isaac Newton: If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. Gerald Holton: In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. Hal Abelson: If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. Brian K. Reid: In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. Consistency is the spice of life. "How to Influence Friends and Make People" Things to see, people to do... From _Punk Vacation_; the lead punk woman to the cop: "You're kinda cute, for a parasite of humanity." From _Punk Vacation_: "Shot twice in the same vacation -- what a drag!" From _Punk Vacation_, the sheriff: "We'll get those fascist communist bastards!" Help, I've fallen and I can't reach my beer! What's the difference between sensual and kinky? A feather is sensual; the whole chicken is kinky. Calvin: "I'm not dumb, I just have a command of thoroughly useless information." It's been so long since I've had sex, I can't even remember who gets tied up. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Smile if you're not wearing panties. This is the earliest I've ever been late. Everybody needs something to believe. I believe I'll have another beer. Richard Burton: "I drink to make other people seem interesting." Bogart: "The trouble with the world is that everybody is three drinks behind." Gary Larson, "The Far Side": By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry". Matt Groening, "Love is Hell": Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. Think globby, act loco. "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers." Ideas cannot be held accountable for the people who subscribe to them. Andrew Tanenbaum -- "MACH is 173,000 lines of C; that's the microkernel. It's like advertising the 'World's Tallest Dwarf'." Andrew Tanenbaum -- "This [approach] would violate Special Relativity, so we decided not to try to implement it." [Ritchie?] "Using UNIX is like kicking a dead whale down the beach." One milli-Helen: the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. -- George Bernard Shaw [Jack Benny, 1938] You have your opinion, the rest of us have mine. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Every morning is the dawn of a new error. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... The floggings will continue until morale improves. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' til you can find a rock. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Do witches run spell checkers? Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. Dain bramaged. Department of Redundancy Department What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding The name is Baud ... James Baud. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups. E Pluribus Modem ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk? Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. All computers wait at the same speed. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Press -- to continue ... Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. Help! I'm modeming, I can't hang up!!! All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981 Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" Hit any user to continue. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. Old programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN. Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. [Thanks to Richard Davies, of Geneva, Switz. This joke has been translated from British to American.] Politicians in government should be changed regularly, like diapers, for the same reason. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -Oscar Wilde "There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." - Jeremy S. Anderson "I think PhD stands for pfuddled" - Susan Carroll, social commentator My friend John 7 told me, "A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother." Article 4368 of rec.humor.funny: Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: funny-request@clarinet.com Reply-To: individual submitters Approved: funny-request@clarinet.com Subject: More from the one liner file Keywords: various, swearing, sexual, offense=just about everyone Path: darkstar.UCSC.EDU!agate!howland.reston.ans.net!gatech!hookup!remus.wat.hookup.net!xenitec!looking!funny-request Message-ID: Date: Fri, 30 Jun 95 19:30:03 EDT Lines: 440 Here are more snippets from the one liner file. While preparing RHF, I collect short jokes that aren't quite worthy of an individual posting in the one liner file. Every so often I put digests of these out to the group. (Beware that some readers, such as NN, will mistakenly present all these items in the digest as individual articles. Undigestification is a stupid kludge, but you have to live with it.) These short items may contain swearing, mature themes and stereotypes. = = = = = = = From: Subject: Bumper sticker "I used to live for sex Now I'd die for some" Bob Allison = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!tut.cis.ohio-state.edu!dsacg1!discg1!izwr008 (john desanto) Subject: Some Stupid Jokes Organization: Defense Industrial Supply Center, Philadelphia, Pa Some Stupid Jokes told to me by my friend Joe Clark of J & M Landscaping ("Cheap Cuts") Why didn't the skeleton cross the street ? No Guts. What made Frosty the Snowman smile as he was walking down the street ? He saw a snow blower coming his way. Keep those lawns watered ! = = = = = = = From: Jeff Bowden Subject: I can't drive 55 186,000 Miles per second. It's not just a good idea, it's the Law. [Note - which reminds me of a line I once pulled on a co-worker. He asked "how fast is an IBM RS6000?", and I responded "9.8 meters per second squared..." - ed.] = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!spies!the_watcher (The Watcher) Subject: NY Organization: Spies in the Wire The New York state bird should be the mosquito. = = = = = = = From: Subject: Another One-liner This is original as far as I know: If you are what you eat, then what's poop? = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!Sun.COM!blyon (Chuck McManis) Subject: DEC joke Q: What does it cost to ride the UNIBUS? A: Two bits. = = = = = = = From: Bryan Hoog Subject: Five Miles Long Overheard at the local racetrack: "I like your cologne. What is it?" "Its called 'Eau De Doo Dah Day'." = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!rutgers.edu!BMCLAUGH%ucbcmsa.bitnet (Bruce McLaughlin 415/642-7634 [175]) Subject: jokes q: What do you get if you ride the Space Shuttle with Kermit the Frog? a: Star Warts! = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!aramis.rutgers.edu!gaynor (Silver) Subject: Women... Women. Can't fuck with 'em, can't fuck without 'em. Regards, [Ag] gaynor@rutgers.edu = = = = = = = From: watmath!uts.amdahl.com!larry (Larry Hardiman) Subject: joke, old, grammar I have known this one for as long as I can remember. A man from Peoria has to make his first business trip, to Boston. So he gets off the airplain in boston, collects his luggage, grabs a cab. He tells the cabbie to take him to his hotel. While on the way to the hotel he asks the cabbie "Where in Boston is the best place to get scrod?" The cabbie thinks for a moment and responds "Well sir, I've heard it said many ways, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive". = = = = = = = From: Bob Jewett Subject: Elvis Presely From: Johnnie Carson The National Enquirer's special investigative team has determined that it's actually Elvis Presely's image on the Shroud of Turin. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!dartvax.dartmouth.edu!eleazar!zakblu (Andre Papillon) Subject: Re:Count your blessings Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH A quick one I saw in the book "Growing Up Catholic" (which, by the way, is very funny): "Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they shall see God twice." = = = = = = = From: watmath!ttidca.tti.com!paulb (Paul Blumstein) Subject: Peter Fonda Workout The Peter Fonda Workout: When you wake up in the morning, smoke two joints, then go over to your sister's house to ask her for money. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!mtxinu!rtech!binky!dianeh (Diane Holt) Subject: What's the another term for... Q: What's another term for cunnilingus? A: Genital Slurpees. = = = = = = = From: Subject: orchestras Q: What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?? A: The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back. = = = = = = = From: watmath!linus!xait!harvard!husc6!daemon (Mr Background) Subject: Les animaux What's the difference between a dog and a fox? Eight beers. = = = = = = = From: watmath!portal!cup.portal.com!8b Subject: another joke under "Amusing item for sale"... PARACHUTE FOR SALE Never opened. Small red stain. Asking $xxx or best offer. Call... from National Lampoon = = = = = = = From: Kenneth H. Lee Q: What's white and streaks across the sky? A: The coming of the Lord. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!princeton.edu!cova Subject: rec.humor.funny posting -- A new Theorem concerning Murphy's Law Organization: Dept. of Computer Science, Princeton University Cova's Theorem (concerning Murphy's Law): "When there are more than 1 person or thing interacting, their Murphy's Laws cancel each other - unless someone tries to do something about it -" [proof on request] = = = = = = = From: Bryan Hoog Subject: Express Santa I've been told that the local shopping mall has two Santas, a regular one, and an Express Santa for kids requesting five presents or less. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!att.att.com!icefloe!overton (Eric Overton) Subject: Beer nuts and deer nuts Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? A: Beer nuts cost $1.50. Deer nuts are under a buck. I heard this first from one of my officemates, although I suspect that it's been around a while. = = = = = = = From: John Carr Subject: Seen on a bathroom wall "Dear Falwell: If AIDS is a sign from God, Lesbians are the chosen people." --John Carr (jfc@athena.mit.edu) = = = = = = = From: Ian Dillon Subject: Housewife humor Q: Why do housewives close their eyes when they make love? A: They hate to see their husbands having a good time! = = = = = = = From: The following was told to me by Bill Cheswick: Q: Why is the Force like duct tape? A: It has a light side and a dark side and holds the universe together. = = = = = = = From: Michael Chastain Subject: riddle, computer, sexual, heard_it First submission to rec.humor.funny. Hope I'm doing it right. Q: How is a computer like an erection? A: It stays up as long as you don't fuck with it! = = = = = = = From: Brian Sturgill Subject: Word to (continue to) live by: Organization: U of Ky, Math. Sciences, Lexington KY Never play Russian Roulette with a clip-loaded pistol. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!hpda!hplabs!well!alcmist (Frederick Wamsley) Subject: Pithy description of Soviet economy "Imagine an entire nation run by the Post Office" = = = = = = = From: Michael Faber Subject: A good quote I read this on a local bbs. It comes from a barkeep quote. "I often wonder what a battle between The enterprise's security team, who are killed almost instantly after ariving, and the imperial stormtroopers, who cant hit the broad side of a planet would be like..." I can imagine it. It look funny to me... = = = = = = = From: ilan@Gang-of-Four.Stanford.EDU (Ilan Vardi) Subject: Re: Top Ten Earthquake Lines Organization: Computer Science Department, Stanford University Definition of bad lover: An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no. = = = = = = = From: Dag Bruck Subject: Women and punctuation "Woman without her man has no reason for living." "Woman: without her, man has no reason for living." = = = = = = = From: watmath!sqzme!ludo (Ludo Van Vooren) Subject: Hardware or Software (Heard in the preview of a movie to go out pretty soon) Q: I can never remember the difference between Hardware and Software A: With computers, the software goes into the hardware. With humans, it's the reverse. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!gatech.edu!mailrus!wasatch!u-pgardi (Phillip Garding) Subject: True Love How about this one: The real meaning of True Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis. = = = = = = = From: Andrew Malton I saw a sign on an office door which was covered in peace symbols and said INSPECTOR CLOUSEAU FANS AGAINST THE BEUMB = = = = = = = From: watmath!gatech!unmvax!turing.cs.unm.edu!mike (Michael I. Bushnell) Subject: Thousand points of light A thousand points of light? The last time I saw a thousand points of light I'd just been punched in the face. Doesn't sound like a kindler, gentler nation to ME! = = = = = = = From: Mustang Why do you need toilet paper in the Twighlight Zone? doo doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo (Twilight Zone Theme) = = = = = = = From: pswhitte@turing.uncg.edu (Patrick S. Whittemore) Subject: Ninja.. Organization: The University of North Carolina at Greensboro Hear about the ninja that joined the army?... .. the first time he saluted he nearly killed himself... = = = = = = = From: LeeCo1@aol.com Subject: Atlanta Falcons Cologne Have you heard about the new Atlanta Falcons cologne? You put it on and the other guy scores. (Heard on WKLS-FM Atlanta, 96 Rock) = = = = = = = From: jim@watt.com (Jim Watt) I think this is original, although the topic has certainly been explored before: Q: Why did the British Empire spread to such faraway places as India? A: You *have* tasted English cooking, haven't you? = = = = = = = From: acs3@cornell.edu (Amanda Sturgill) Subject: Perhaps you meant spelling? On a first day of class student data sheet: Q. What is your biggest concern about your writing? A. Grammer = = = = = = = From: dude@crl.com (Chris Morgan) Subject: Rosa Lopez Organization: CRL Dialup Internet Access (415) 705-6060 [Login: guest] Have you heard about the new Rosa Lopez computer? It costs 5,000 bucks and has no memory. = = = = = = = From: ganz@pacintl.com (Jonathan Ganz) Subject: OJ has a WWW site I heard this on the Alex Bennett show (local radio station) this morning: OJ's WWW address is http:////////// = = = = = = = From: hloria@freenet.calgary.ab.ca (Harvey Loria) Organization: Calgary Free-Net Subject: Lorenna Bobbit's New Book Loren Bobbit is writing a biographical book, its title is: "Six Inches From Prison", she also loves reading, here favourite novel is "Moby Dick," and next week she starts a new job as a sales representative for .... SNAP ON TOOLS! = = = = = = = From: coolguy@server.cs.jhu.edu (Guy Shechter) Subject: Fortune cookie This is a true story... I was sitting with a friend at a Chinese restaurant, and following our dinner, we cracked open our fortune cookies and found this interesting fortune : "To stay healthy, eat more Chinese food." I guess it doesn't hurt business ... = = = = = = = From: fehr@ninja.aes.mb.doe.ca (John Fehr) Subject: bumper stickers What with all the suing and such going on at the drop of a hat, I'm tempted to get a bumper sticker that says: 'No lawyers. Prosecuters will be violated.'. (Original, as far as I know.) -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@clari.net (ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.) Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@clari.net Neal Copperman: "I was surprised how closely the movie stuck to the book. Still, reading about somebody doing something is always better than seeing Keanu Reaves doing the same thing, except perhaps dieing a violent death 1.802618 megafurlongs per microfortnight... ... not just a good idea, it's the law. Organization: BellSouth Telephone Operations Subject: Do you trust these guys? The Payne Elevator Company office in Cambridge, Mass. is in a single-story building. = = = = = = = From: geof@aurora.com (Geoffrey H. Cooper) Subject: NetNews forever From: news To: usenet Date: Wed, 17 Jul 91 05:47:14 PDT expire problems: expire: bad expiry date in `<1991Jul16.123632.27886@bronze.ucs.india...', expire: specifically, `whenTheUniverseExplodesIntoNothingness' -- ignored = = = = = = = From: vince@victrola.UUCP Organization: Vince and Suzie's Underpowered PC, Federal Way WA Subject: the date from hell License plate seen in the parking lot at the local mall: "I have PMS and I carry a handgun." -------- Seen on the front door of *Color Magic*, a color copy store in Mountain View, CA: +---------------------------+ | PUSH | | If that doesn't work then | | PULL | | If that doesn't work then | | We're closed. | +---------------------------+ -------- Any sufficiently advanced skill is indistinguishable from luck. [ moots@ksu.ksu.edu ? ] -------- "I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one." [from LMBoyd's trivia column] Said wit Susan Vass, "I've been married so long, I'm on my third bottle of tabasco sauce!" "The meek shall inherit the Earth, if that's all right with you." Seen on a sign, held up by a derelict person: "Will uninstall Windows 95 for food!" ---- "An unbreakable toy, is useful for breaking other toys ..." Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child, when it's mother feels chilly. If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with an Hawaiian pizza? "Virtuous motives, trammeled by inertia and timidity, are no match for armed and resolute wickedness." -- W. S. Churchill ?????? ? If there's no ? such thing as a free ? lunch then, how do you explain ? what I found in the road this afternoon ? HAL 9000: Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. DAVE! >>I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and >> give the wrong answers. >> >>Bigamy is having one wife too many. So is Monogamy. >> >>The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" >>The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" >>The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" >>The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with >>that?" >> >>I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian >>because I hate plants. >> >>A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely >>rearranging their prejudices. >> >>The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, >>there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, >>but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. >> >>Half of the people in the world are below average. >> >>There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the >>streets? >> >>I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better. >> >>If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an >>infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even >>considering if there are men on base. >> >>Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. >> >>Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a >>mistake when you make it again. >> >>On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" >> >>Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think >>Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? >> 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. >> 2. Advising the President. >> 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. >> -- David Letterman >> >>Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of >>Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain >> >>Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they >>don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. >>Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? >> >>Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea): >>For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm >>iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on >>roofrack. >> >>The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. >>--Salvador Dali >> >>The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to >>be when you kill them. -- William Clayton >> >>When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an >>important lesson to be learned: Do not have sex with the authorities. (Message inbox:4038) Delivery-Date: Fri, 19 Jul 1996 08:25:39 -0700 Received: from alfalfa.pas.rochester.edu (fry@alfalfa.pas.rochester.edu [128.151.144.13]) by vault.cse.ucsc.edu (8.6.13/8.6.12) with ESMTP id IAA27805 for ; Fri, 19 Jul 1996 08:25:36 -0700 Received: (from fry@localhost) by alfalfa.pas.rochester.edu (8.7.1/8.6.11) id LAA15359; Fri, 19 Jul 1996 11:13:16 -0400 (EDT) Date: Fri, 19 Jul 1996 11:13:15 -0400 (EDT) From: Alan Fry Subject: amusement (fwd) To: UU -- Candace Young , Chak Tan , David M Sliger , Ian Barland , Melinda Nebeker <72712.1174@CompuServe.COM>, Neal Copperman , Rebecca Underwood , Rebecca North Sliger Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII I love animals, they taste great. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it. Assassins do it from behind. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? "Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. What is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free? Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. If you are psychic - think "HONK" Der Witz: Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' " "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway." "The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony number 9." Erwin Dieterich erwin@cvt12.verfahrenstechnik.uni-stuttgart.de "When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb." -- Steve Hoflich, compl.lang.c++ (Message inbox:2750) Delivery-Date: Thu, 11 Apr 1996 09:54:29 -0700 Received: from vagus.vth.colostate.edu (vagus.VTH.ColoState.EDU [129.82.135.7]) by vault.cse.ucsc.edu (8.6.13/8.6.12) with ESMTP id JAA04311 for ; Thu, 11 Apr 1996 09:54:24 -0700 Received: from localhost (bbarland@localhost) by vagus.vth.colostate.edu (8.7.5/8.7.1) with SMTP id KAA51848; Thu, 11 Apr 1996 10:51:41 -0600 Date: Thu, 11 Apr 1996 10:51:41 -0600 (MDT) From: britt barland To: barland@aol.com cc: ian@cse.ucsc.edu Subject: Happy Belated Easter (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Date: Fri, 5 Apr 1996 12:27:53 EST From: "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM> Subject: What I learned in college College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink. A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. Steven King, 3/8/90: "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers Save the whales. Collect the whole set. This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse. Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. (Message inbox:2778) Delivery-Date: Fri, 12 Apr 1996 07:47:43 -0700 Received: from vagus.vth.colostate.edu (vagus.VTH.ColoState.EDU [129.82.135.7]) by vault.cse.ucsc.edu (8.6.13/8.6.12) with ESMTP id HAA01078 for ; Fri, 12 Apr 1996 07:47:40 -0700 Received: from localhost (bbarland@localhost) by vagus.vth.colostate.edu (8.7.5/8.7.1) with SMTP id IAA60351; Fri, 12 Apr 1996 08:44:53 -0600 Date: Fri, 12 Apr 1996 08:44:53 -0600 (MDT) From: britt barland To: barland@aol.com cc: ian@cse.ucsc.edu Subject: Huh? (fwd) Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Thu, 11 Apr 1996 15:53:36 -0600 (MDT) From: "r.scott larsen " To: Anneke Moresco , Nicole Canon , Britt Barland Subject: Huh? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: Wed, 10 Apr 1996 00:44:22 -0700 From: "Scott J. Scheucher" Subject: Thoughts For the Day HERE'S SOME THINGS YOU MIGHT WANT TO REALLY THINK ABOUT ... ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do they call it a TV set if you only get one? Why does the teflon stick to the pan? Why do they call them apartments when they're all stuck together? Why does a cowboy need two spurs - if one side of the horse goes so does the other. If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then Congress is the opposite of progress. Why do they call a sculpture a bust when it stops just before the part it would be named after? Why isn't there a knob on a TV set so we could turn up the intelligence? There's a brightness knob but it doesn't work. If our knees were bent the other way, what would a chair look like? Why do both our feet point in the same direction? If our feet were a Christmas tree stand, that tree would be on the floor. Why is the official car of the US ski team a Subaru? Why does the word "one" start with an "o" and the word "two" contain a "w"? Did the "w" from "one" fall down to "two"? Why is the word "little" twice as big as the word "big"? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? If yogurt goes bad, how can you tell? Have you ever seen blue food? (blueberries are purple) If a hair from your head falls out, do you ever wonder what held it in yesterday? What is the purpose of a human appendix? Do mosquitoes serve any useful purpose? If milk is only 2%, what's in the other 98%? Why is the official sponsor of the US olympic team McDonald's? Why do they call golf clubs drivers if they just sit in the back of the cart? If say "I always lie", am I lying? Do all the horses drown during a game of water polo? Why do they call it pool if there's no water on the table? At a baseball game, why do they call them the stands if everyone is sitting down? Does President Clinton get to have Veteran's Day off? Why is the definition of the word "dictionary" in a dictionary? Don't they know what they're reading? Why doesn't Super Glue stick to the bottle? Why are hot dogs sold in 10-packs and buns sold in 8-packs? ------------------------------ Date: Wed, 10 Apr 1996 09:31:29 +2GMT From: George Anagnostopoulos Subject: USA: Crazy Laws This was forwarded to me by a friend. Enjoy... *** *** >From the SPY magazine of June '95, some of the strangest laws in the states: Texas - A recently passed antcrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed... - In Lefors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer at any time while standing... - In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.... Florida - Unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.... - In Saratoga, it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit... Nevada - It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway... - In Eureka, men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women... California - In L.A. a man can legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as long as it is less than two inches wide, or she gives him permission to use a wider strap..... - It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.... Michigan - A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her husband.... Arkansas - A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month... - Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.... Utah - Birds have the right of way on all highways... - A husband is responsible for every criminal act commited by his wife while she is in his presence... Baltimore - In Halethrope, it is illegal to kiss for more than one second... - It is illegal to mistreat oysters.... - In Baltimore it is illegal to wash or scrub sinks, no matter how dirty they get.... New York - In NYC it is illegal for a man to turn around and look "at a woman in that way", and violators are forced to wear horse blinders... Tennessee - It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish... - In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date... - In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists".... Colorado - In Logan County, it is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.... Rhode Island - In Province it is illegal to sell toothpaste ands toothbrush to the same] customer on a Sunday.... - In Neewport, it is illegal to smoke a pipe after sunset.... Oklahoma - Whale hunting is strictly forbidden throughout the entire state... - In Tulsa, kisses lasing more than three minutes are forbidden... Massachusetts - In Salem, even married couples are forbidden from sleeping in the nude in rented rooms... - In Boston it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.... - In 1659, the State outlawed Christmas... *** *** ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ...Then there was the time when Geronimo jumped out of an airplane and yelled, "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Reality is the murder of a beautiful theory by a gang of ugly facts. Candy is dandy, But aspartame is a phenylketonuric I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. >SOME FACTS OF LIFE > > >If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. > >Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with. > >A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. > >It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. > >Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. > >If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. >COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you >live. > >The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody >appreciates how difficult it was. > >It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to >others. > >The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average >man can see better than he can think. > >A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy >to be on your way. > >Mark Twain: >"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." > >Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left >them to where you can't find them. > >Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be >evenly distributed. > >Due to financial cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel will be shut >off until further notice. (Message inbox:6850) Date: 31 Jan 1997 17:31:56 EDT To: daveadam , ecowper , bjugan , David_Blair , "carragher.family" , bowslaud , davidd ***, jennifer , idickson , seanf , dominik , ngreen , mebrown , "Laurie.Jenkins" , mprairie , dprairie , catmgsch , "reg.thompson" , ad956 , "dave.mackie" , smackie , thirumalai , ian , jeroen , breaden , elfp150 , majewski , "innovat.limited" , cmackie , Theresa_Thomson , Wiseman_Joe , BESTTEAM , narancsi From: Dean Mackie Subject: JOKE: Actual Bumper Stickers... Return-Path: Dean_Mackie@otppb.com Mime-Version: 1.0 part text/plain 4656 Press to show content...To: amichm @ microsoft.com ("A. Michael Mondry") @ internet, Andre_LeBlanc @ msn.com ("'Andre LeBlanc'") @ internet, aep @ interlog.com ("'Andrew Platzer'") @ internet, andrewsk @ microsoft.com (Andrew Skowronski) @ internet, antoine_patte @ montreal2.discreet.qc.ca ("'Antoine Patte'") @ internet, blauzon @ microsoft.com (Benoit Lauzon) @ internet, bathomas @ interlog.com ("'Bob Thomas'") @ internet, brucesc @ microsoft.com (Bruce Schoor) @ internet, charm @ microsoft.com (Charles Migos) @ internet, clea @ microsoft.com (Chris Lea) @ internet, labrie @ nortel.ca ("'Dany Labrie'") @ internet, Dean_Mackie @ otppb.com ("'Dean Mackie'") @ internet, francoi @ microsoft.com (Francois Dussault) @ internet, gkhouzam @ cgl.uwaterloo.ca ("'Gilles Khouzam'") @ internet, belig00 @ DMI.USherb.CA ("'Guylaine Beliveau'") @ internet, jydeveau @ microsoft.com (Jacques Yves Deveau) @ internet, janickv @ microsoft.com (Janick Valois) @ internet, kenj @ nortel.ca ("'kenj@nortel.ca'") @ internet, luist @ microsoft.com (Luis Talavera) @ internet, mhebert @ microsoft.com (Marc Hebert) @ internet, mdecoste @ microsoft.com (Marc-Andre Decoste) @ internet, marceq @ microsoft.com (Marc-Eric Quesnel) @ internet, mjrodrig @ microsoft.com (Marianne Rodrigues) @ internet, blais @ iro.umontreal.ca ("'Martin Blais'") @ internet, msheasby @ microsoft.com (Michael Sheasby) @ internet, NStartse @ atitech.ca ("'Natalia Startseva'") @ internet, nmichaud @ microsoft.com (Nicolas Michaud) @ internet, pam.hanington @ icis.on.ca ("'Pam Hanington'") @ internet, pwalsh @ microsoft.com (Patrick Walsh) @ internet, peterba @ microsoft.com (Peter Barszczewski) @ internet, crnokrak @ bio1.lan.mcgill.ca ("'Peter Crnokrak'") @ internet, pibrahim @ microsoft.com (Peter Ibrahim) @ internet, rhill @ microsoft.com (Raymond Hill) @ internet, rleclair @ direct.ca ("'Rob Leclair'") @ internet, rogerta @ microsoft.com (Roger Tawa) @ internet, slavier @ kaydara.com ("'Sebastien Lavier'") @ internet, sophiega @ microsoft.com (Sophie Gaudreau) @ internet, sophiep @ microsoft.com (Sophie Pronovost) @ internet, thomaskr @ microsoft.com (Thomas Krul) @ internet cc: (bcc: Dean Mackie/OTPPB) From: andrewfo @ microsoft.com (Andrew Forget) @ INTERNET @ WORLDCOM Date: 01/28/97 03:46:44 PM CST Subject: JOKE: Actual Bumper Stickers... >ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS > >"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." > >"I love cats...they taste just like chicken" > >"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." > >"Cover me. I'm changing lanes." > >"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" > >"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." > >"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep" > >"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!" > >"The gene pool could use a little chlorine." > >"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." > >"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!" > >"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." > >"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS." > >"I took an IQ test and the results were negative." > >"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" > >"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!" > >"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." > >"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal" > >"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." > >"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse." > >"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." > >"He who laughs last thinks slowest" > >"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." > >"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." > >"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." > >"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." > >"I souport publik edekasion" > >"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette." > >"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated." > >"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." > >"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" > >"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock." > >"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic >particles." > >"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off." > >"I'm a corporate executive, I keep things from happening." > >"If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question." > >"Bad Cop! No donut!" > >"This acid must be good. It feels like I'm driving!" > "Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals...except the weasel." - Homer Simpson