To: ian@cse.ucsc.edu, paxton@cs.montana.edu, Katherine.Rosenblum@um.cc.umich.edu, Sharon.Dulberg@um.cc.umich.edu, Eliza.Richards@um.cc.umich.edu Subject: Real headlines, from actual newspapers Date: Mon, 06 Jun 1994 21:40:36 -0400 From: John Eric Ivancich ------- Forwarded Message Date: Mon, 6 Jun 1994 16:22:38 -0400 From: Michael Hucka Subject: Newspaper headlines :-) Forwarded by Dave Burna -- unintentionally funny headlines of real newspaper stories: Real Live Newspaper Headlines ------------------------------ POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS EYE DROPS OFF SHELF TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE - -- Mike ------- End of Forwarded Message Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 11:01:59 -0800 From: rcu@rapture.engr.sgi.com (Rebecca Underwood) To: ian@cse.ucsc.edu Subject: a la larrabee Subject: Real Headlines! Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws his Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Lansing Residents can Drop off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine may Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Include your Children when Baking Cookies Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 23:01:51 -0800 From: Melissa Cline To: agu@hawaii.nearinc.com, cricket@cse.ucsc.edu, ian@cse.ucsc.edu, jgarcia@cse.ucsc.edu, kimmen@cse.ucsc.edu, kristen@synopsys.com, messer@cse.ucsc.edu, n_white@kla.com, rmiller@synopsys.com, rph@cse.ucsc.edu, sherrod@cse.ucsc.edu Subject: Daily humor: classic headlines > o Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says > o Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers > o Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted > o Drunk gets nine months in violin case > o Survivor of siamese twins joins parents > o Farmer Bill dies in house > o Iraqi head seeks arms > o Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? > o Stud tires out > o Prostitutes appeal to Pope > o Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over > o Soviet virgin lands short of goal again > o British left waffles on Falkland Islands > o Lung cancer in women mushrooms > o Eye drops off shelf > o Teacher strikes idle kids > o Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead > o Squad helps dog bite victim > o Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66 > o Enraged cow injures farmer with ax > o Plane too close to ground, crash probe told > o Miners refuse to work after death > o Juvenile court to try shooting defendant > o Stolen painting found by tree > o Two soviet ships collide, one dies > o 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter > o Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years > o Never withhold herpes infection from loved one > o Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 > o War dims hope for peace > o If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while > o Cold wave linked to temperatures > o Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 16:22:06 -0600 From: Melissa Cline To: jgarcia@cse.ucsc.edu, cline@chemistry.ucsc.edu, ian@cse.ucsc.edu, agu@nearinc.com Subject: Humor: advertisements > Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers > > > 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, > 555-1234. Leave mess. > > Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the > family. > > A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by > waitresses in appetizing forms. > > Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. > > For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large > drawers. > > Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. > > Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to > take home, too. > > Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. > > We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by > hand. > > For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. > > For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. > > Great Dames for sale. > > Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. > > Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. > > Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. > > Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. > > If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis > Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, > and Chopin. > > Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim > in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. > > The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and > other athletic facilities. > > Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. > > Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. > Automatically burns toast. > > Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that > lots of women wear nothing else. > > Stock up and save. Limit: one. > > We build bodies that last a lifetime. > > For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. > > Man, honest. Will take anything. > > Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References > required. > > Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. > > UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! > > Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. > > Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. > > Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. > > Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. > > 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. > > Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and > smacks included. > > Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. > > Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll > never go anywhere again. > > Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204. > > Illiterate? Write today for free help. > > Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue > Cross and salary. > > Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume > general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to > growth of family. > > Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for > efficient beating. > > Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. > > And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, > unrivaled inconvenience. > > We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for > $1.00. > >----- End Included Message -----