Date:    20 Jan 1997 20:04:22
> 
>Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet.  The trouble with
>most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you
>don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
>diet).  Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3
>days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over.  Is
>there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland
>problem?  Or is there a slim  hope?
>
>Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet!  Over the years you may have noticed,
>as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim.  It came to me one day over a
>cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After
>consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I
>was able to formulate this new diet.  It is inexpensive, offering great
>variety and sufficient quantity.  Before embarking on this diet, however, be
>sure to check with your doctor ...otherwise you might have to see him
>afterward.  Good luck!
>
>DAY ONE
>    Breakfast - One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with 
>        grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump 
>        the rest on the floor.  Take 1 bite of toast, then smear 
>        the jelly over your face and clothes.
>    Lunch - Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato 
>        chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the 
>        rest).
>    Dinner - A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of 
>        stale beer.
>    Bedtime Snack - Toast piece of bread and toss it on the 
>        kitchen floor.
> 
>DAY TWO
>    Breakfast - Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat 
>        it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of 
>        vegetable dye.
>    Lunch - Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a 
>        cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked).  One ice cube, 
>        if desired.
>    Afternoon Snack - Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take 
>        outside, drop in dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping 
>        until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the 
>        rug.
>    Dinner - A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be 
>        thrust up your left nostril.  Pour iced tea over mashed 
>        potatoes; eat with a spoon.
> 
>DAY THREE
>    Breakfast - Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with 
>        fingers, rub in hair.  Glass of milk:  drink half, stuff 
>        pancakes in glass.  After breakfast, pick up 
>        yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on 
>        the cushion of your best chair.
>    Lunch - Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.  
>        Spit several bites onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on 
>        table and slurp up.
>    Dinner - Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some 
>        wine, coffee.
> 
>FINAL DAY
>    Breakfast - A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit 
>        of soap, an olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of 
>        cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar.  Once cereal is 
>        soggy,  drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
>    Lunch - Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room 
>        carpet.  Find that sucker and finish eating it.
>    Dinner - A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave 
>        meatball on plate.  Stick of mascara for dessert.
>