Michael Schrage - LA Times

Nov 28, 1995:
        Moved in at last.  Finally, we live in the smartest house in the
        neighborhood.  Everything's networked.  The cable TV is connected to
        our phone, which is connected to my personal computer, which is
        connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the security
        system.  Everything runs off a univeral remote with the
        friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap.  I'm
        like, totally wired.

Nov 30:
        Hot Stuff!  Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the
        thermostat and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely
        tweaked the oven a few degress for my pizza.  Everthing nice & cozy
        when I arrived.  Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically
        attached.

Dec 3:
        Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED.  Freak event.  As I opened the
        refrigerator door, the light bulb blew.  Immediately, everything
        else electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker --
        everything.  Carefully  unplugged and replugged all the appliances.
        Nothing.

        Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone).  They
        refer me to the utility.  The utility insists that the problem is
        in the software.  So the software company runs some remote
        telediagnostics via my house processor.  Their expert system claims
        it has to be the utility's fault.  I don't care, I just want my
        kitchen back.  More phone calls; more remote diag's.

        Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode":  The
        network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door
        was open.  So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power
        surge and shut down the entire kitchen.  But because sensor memory
        confirmed that there hadn't actually been a power surge, the
        kitchen logic sequence was confused and it couldn't do a standard
        restart.  The utility guy swears this was the first time this has
        ever happened.  Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.

Dec 7:
        The police are not happy.  Our house keeps calling them for help.
        We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25
        decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get
        amplified when they hit the window.  When these vibrations mix with
        a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated, and the police
        computer concludes that someone is trying to break in.  Go figure.

        Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode,
        the universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV.
        That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change the
        channels by hand.  The software and the utility people say this
        flaw will be fixed in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1.  But it's
        not ready yet.

Dec 12:
        This is a nightmare.  There's a virus in the house.  My personal
        computer caught it while browsing on the public access network.  I
        come home and the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are
        covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing
        machine has flooded the basement, the garage door is cycling up and
        down and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel.  Through-
        out the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode
        from the strain.  Broken glass is everywhere.  Of course, the
        security sensors detect nothing.

        I look at a message slowly throbbing on my personal computer screen:
        WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!!   NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so
        humble, there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).

Dec 18:
        They think the've digitally disinfected the house, but the place is
        a shambles.  Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've
        got the part of the virus that attacks toilets.  Nevertheless, the
        Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call
        themselves) are confident the worst is over.  "HomeWrecker is pretty
        bad" one he tells me, "but consider yourself lucky you didn't get
        PolterGeist.  That one is really evil."

Dec 19:
        Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses.  "Fires and
        mudslides, yes," says the claims adjuster.  "Viruses, no."  My
        agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all
        claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or
        computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a
        non-certified on-line service.  Everybody's very, very, sorry, but
        they can't be expected to anticipate every virus that might be
        created.

        We call our lawyer.  He laughs.  He's excited!

Dec 21:
        I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep.  As a special holiday
        offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the
        company's new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade.  He says I'll be able to meet
        the programmers personally.  "Sure," I tell him.