> >       Politically-Correct Little Red Riding Hood
> >       ------------------------------------------
> >  
> >       There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived 
> >  on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants 
> >  that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the 
> >  time to study them. 
> >  
> >       Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes 
> >  referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term 
> >  that she would have  thought less of the person if a close biological 
> >  link did not in fact exist.
> >  
> >       Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional 
> >  households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.  
> >  
> >       One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown 
> >  fruit and  mineral water to her grandmother's house.
> >  
> >       "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people 
> >  who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages 
> >  between various people in the woods?"
> >  
> >       Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union 
> >  boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
> >  
> >       "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
> >  
> >       Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for 
> >  womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until 
> >  all womyn were free.
> >  
> >       "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, 
> >  since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
> >  
> >       And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was 
> >  attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't 
> >  stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help 
> >  engender a feeling of community.  
> >  
> >       "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and 
> >  hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
> >  
> >       But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't 
> >  actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, 
> >  although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior 
> >  to what some people called "health".  
> >  
> >       Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of 
> >  delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
> >  
> >       Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous  
> >  place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on 
> >  cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the 
> >  natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural 
> >  predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
> >  
> >       Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but 
> >  Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized 
> >  peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid 
> >  lifestyle role models.
> >  
> >       On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, 
> >  and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
> >  
> >       She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked 
> >  her what  was in her basket.  
> >  
> >       Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, 
> >  but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and 
> >  chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
> >  
> >       She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a 
> >  gesture of solidarity."
> >  
> >       The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl 
> >  to walk  through these woods alone."
> >  
> >       Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the 
> >  extreme, but  I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an 
> >  outcast from society,  the stress of which has caused you to develop an 
> >  alternative and yet entirely valid worldview.  Now, if you'll excuse me, 
> >  I would prefer to be on my way."
> >  
> >       Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her 
> >  Grandmother's house.   
> >  
> >       But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish 
> >  adherence to  linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker 
> >  route to Grandma's  house.  
> >  
> >       He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action 
> >  affirmative of his nature as a predator.  
> >  
> >       Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he 
> >  put on  Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited 
> >  developments.
> >  
> >       Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, 
> >  
> >       "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you 
> >  in your  role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
> >  
> >       The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
> >  
> >       Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess!  Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
> >  
> >       "You forget that I am optically challenged."
> >  
> >       "And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
> >  
> >       "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but 
> >  I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
> >  
> >       "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
> >  
> >       The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a 
> >  reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, 
> >  grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she 
> >  could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
> >  
> >       "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.  
> >  "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of 
> >  intimacy!"
> >  
> >       The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his 
> >  grasp on her.
> >  
> >       At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, 
> >  brandishing an ax.
> >  
> >       "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
> >  
> >       "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.  
> >  "If I let  you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in 
> >  my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower 
> >  achievement scores on college entrance exams."
> >  
> >       "Last chance, sister!  Get your hands off that endangered species!  
> >  This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red 
> >  Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. 
> >  
> >       "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf.  "The brat and 
> >  her grandmother lured me in here.  I thought I was a goner."
> >  
> >       "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.  
> >  "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those 
> >  protected flowers earlier.  And now I'm going to have such a trauma.  Do 
> >  you have any aspirin?"
> >  
> >       "Sure," said the Wolf.  
> >  
> >       "Thanks."
> >  
> >       "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on 
> >  his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have 
> >  any Maalox?"