Date: Thu, 29 Aug 1996 14:16:05 -0700
Subject: humor

Forwarded message:
 
Subject: fwd: HUM: Resume Bloopers (**1/2)
 
{These are real examples from real resumes)
 
--Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
 
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
 
--Responsibility makes me nervous.
--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
  Couldn't work under those conditions.
--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
  cockroaches.
--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
  employers.
 
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
 
--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
  decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
  incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be
  configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more
  rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of
  responsibility.
--I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
 
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
 
--Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
  does not know I am looking for another job.
--My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I have no training in
  meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
--I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
 
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
 
--Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
 
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
 
--Donating blood.  14 gallons so far.
 
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
 
--Education:  College, August 1880-May 1984.
--Work Experience:  Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
--Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
--I'm a rabid typist.
--Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
  operation.



 
Date:     04/28/97 07:27:13 PM CDT
Subject:  JOKE: Resumes

> Job-search specialist Robert Half reports that the following bon mots
>  recently appeared on actual resumes:
> ==========================================================
>
> "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them
> know of my immediate availability."
>
> "Qualifications:  I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I
> can act on short notice.  I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
>
> "I intentionally omitted my salary history.  I've made money and lost
> money.  I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
>
> "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'.  I have
> never quit a job."
>
> "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription
> drugs."
>
> "Number of dependents:  40."
>
> "Marital Status: Often.  Children: Various."
>
> "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
>
>
> REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
>
> "Responsibility makes me nervous."
>
> "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
> Couldn't work under those conditions."
>
> "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
> cockroaches."
>
> "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
>
> "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous
> employers."
>
>
> JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
>
> "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am
> decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially
> incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be
> configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more
> rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of
> responsibility."
>
> "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
>
>
> SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
>
> "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
> does not know I am looking for another job."
>
> "My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I have no training in
> meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
>
> "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
>
>
> PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
>
> "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
>
>
> PERSONAL INTERESTS:
>
> "Donating blood.  14 gallons so far."
>
>
> SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
>
> "Education:  College, August 1880-May 1984."
>
> "Work Experience:  Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
>
> "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
>
> "I'm a rabid typist."
>
> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
> operation."
>
> "Your requirements match the responsibilites of my present job
> precisely, so I will be glad to do do again."
>




Date: Tue, 5 Aug 1997 13:26:50 -0700
>
>> Following are actual resume blunders as reported by Fortune:
>>
>> "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience"
>> "I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms"
>> "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year"
>> "Reason for leaving last job:  Maturity leave"
>> "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions"
>> "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades"
>> "It's best for employers that I not work with people"
>> "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience"
>> "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time"
>> "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details"
>> "I was working for my mom until she decided to move"
>> "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved.  No
>> commitments"
>> "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse"
>> "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond
>> to my resume on my
>>         office voice mail"
>> "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
>> absolutely nothing"
>> "My goal is to be a meteorologist.  But since I possess no training in
>> meteorology,
>>         suppose  I should try stock brokerage"
>> "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant"
>> "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments"
>> "Personal interests: donating blood.  Fourteen gallons so far"
>> "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store"
>> "Note:  Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
>> never quit a job"
>> "Marital status:  often.  Children:  various"
>> "Reason for leaving last job:  They insisted that all employees get to
>> work by 8:45 every morning.  Could not work under those conditions"
>> "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers"
>> "Finished eighth in my class of ten"
>> "References:  None.  I've left a path of destruction behind me"
>


[1997.jul.21]
> Just a few humorous quotes from resumes received by Netscape!  Hope
> your resume doesn't look like this!
>
> All are true quotes, as received, and as collected regularly by the
> "Resume Coordinator, People Department" (really) at Netscape.
>
> 1. Does Netscape need any more HTML programmers?  If they don't I
> would like to be one.
>
> 2. I have been a computer for 17 years.
>
> 3. I have decided to skip college and head right into the workforce.
> I am looking for an intersteng carer.  I have exprents in sails
> menugmant,
> auditoring, and castumer servesses.  Chalinge me.
>
> 4. When I was in the army, I practiced blowing stuff up with 155mm
> Howitzers.  Lucky me.
>
> 5. In the past, I have always worked with the unskilled; I hope
> Netscape will see me as the same.
>
> 6. I would prefer to work from far away and for free.
>
> 7. I am answering a call I received from one of your recruiters.  I
> do not remember the name of the person who called me, or what position
> I
> applied from.  It may not have been a recruiter from Netscape.  If you
> find out who called me, please let them know that I am still
> interested.  By the way, I received the call about 2 months ago.
>
> 8. It's too bad that Netscape has no job openings requiring my
> special skills.  I am a professional mountain climber.
>
> 9. I can hotwire a car, so I must be of use to you somewhere.  If
> not, I"ll leave.
>
> 10. At my most recent job, I wore out many hats.
>
> 11. Thank you for your condensation on my resume
>
> 12. I have two years of barking experience.
>
> 13. Penguins make the best employees.
>
> 14. I have recently been married with two young boys.
>
> 15. Netscape is uniquely positioned to play the role of Jack the
> Giant Killer.  I would love to be just a finger on the hand that
> clutched the
> sword that struck a blow to kill the beast.  And remember, Jack not
> only
> slays the giant, he gets the chick.  I guess if a woman is reading
> this,
> it might not have the same emotional impact...  Or maybe it might...
>
> 16. The best example of my writing skills can be found in my article
> "Hookworm and the evil parasite," which I would be happy to give to
> you
> at the earliest opportunity.
>
> 17. (from a phone conversation)
     "So is most your work done with computers there?"
     "That's a pretty safe assumption, yeah."
     "Oh, well, I don't do that."  (click)
> 18. My highschool reunion is coming up and I'd really like to be able
> to tell people that I work at Netscape.
>
> 19. Dear Sirs or Madam
>
> 20. Right now I am driving a truck and going through internet
> withdrawals.
>
> 21. May I intrude myself to give a small portray of whom who is
> talking to you.
>
> 22. If you think I got required prerequisites that you want, I would
> like to hear it.
>
> 23. Although I have no formal training, I have taught myself a great
> deal about the internet, and a great deal about your product and feel
> that I can bring a great deal to your company.
>
> 24. If you first attempt failure, go for the secound one.
>
> 25. I think that Netscape is on a level of cool that only martini
> lounge music can match.
>
> 26. I will make this very brief so is not to waist your time.  I feel
> I can make your company alot of money.  There are few area's I feel
> that I
> am gifted in.  They are people, people, and people.  They (the people)
> just like me.  And I'm flatterd.  I really like the people I've met in
> the few sale's job's I've had over the year's.  I enjoy woking and wok
> well with them.  I have a nack of taking a very uncomvortable
> situation
> and pulling it together sensible eficently.  I am almost to damn
> company
> conscious and loyal.  I really want to change job's.  Please contact
> me
> with interest.
>
> 27. There are many reasons why I would be an ass to Netscape...
>
> 28. I don't have a resume prepared due to the fact that there
> wouldn't be much to unclude.
>
> 29. I hope to be a vial part of your team.
>
> 30. Software bugs have a habit of showing themselves when I use
> software.
>
> 31. Einstein was self-educated and I am just like him.
>
> 32. in lieu of my resume, please accept a copy of my (40 page)
> memorandum which I would like to see become the core of an internet
> data
> site featuring asthma.
>
> 33. If you ignore my schooling, you will see that I am very well
> educated.
>