Woody Allen: I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying. Al Bernstein: Spring being a tough act to follow, god created June. Isn't is strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortunetellers take economists seriously. -- quoted in Cincinnati Enquirer Tom Stoppard: Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? What is reality but a collective hunch? ... Reality is fine in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's too confining. -- Lilly Tomlin Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun. -- Earl Wilson Anybody who profits from the experience of others probably writes biographies. -- Franklin P. Jones I'm proud to be paying taxes in the U.S. The only thing is -- I could be just as proud for half the money. -- Arthur Godfrey (TV host, entertainer) I'm always surprised that more people aren't solopsists. Don't you feel more like you do now than when you came in? You know what I hate? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry M. Camp Never underestimate the baud rate of a station wagon filled with floppies. -- Andrew Tanenbaum [modified by william gibson] There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. The earlier you fall behind, the longer you have to catch up. -- rich snyder Money is simply alcohol in a more easily transportable form. My karma just ran over my dogma. I have a friend in cheeses. -- ian [on a t-shirt:] Jesus hates me. Anyone who makes a blanket statment is a fool. -- from a fortune cookie Women have to work twice as hard as men to be considered half as good. Fortunately, it isn't difficult. Hummingbirds are nature's way of teaching humility to cats. Absence makes the heart go wander. Familiarity breeds attempt. Isaac Newton: if I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. Gerald Holton: In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. Hal Abelson: if I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. Hamming [1968, turing award speech]: Today we stand on each other's feet. (also attributed to brian k reid?) Richard Feynman, after his first solvay conference: "... an opportunity to sit at the feet of the giants on whose shoulders we stand." Consistency is the spice of life. "How to influence friends and make people" Things to see, people to do... from _punk vacation_; the lead punk woman to the cop: "You're kinda cute, for a parasite of humanity." from _punk vacation_: "Shot twice in the same vacation -- what a drag!" from _punk vacation_, the sheriff: "We'll get those fascist communist bastards!" Help, i've fallen and I can't reach my beer! What's the difference between sensual and kinky? A feather is sensual; the whole chicken is kinky. Calvin: "I'm not dumb, I just have a command of thoroughly useless information." It's been so long since i've had sex, I can't even remember who gets tied up. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Smile if you're not wearing panties. This is the earliest i've ever been late. Everybody needs something to believe. I believe i'll have another beer. Richard Burton: "I drink to make other people seem interesting." Bogart: "the trouble with the world is that everybody is three drinks behind." Gary Larson, "the far side": By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect "hungry". Matt Groening, "love is hell": Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. Think globby, act loco. "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers." Ideas cannot be held accountable for the people who subscribe to them. Andrew Tanenbaum -- "mach is 173,000 lines of c; that's the microkernel. It's like advertising the 'world's tallest dwarf'." Andrew Tanenbaum -- "this [approach] would violate special relativity, so we decided not to try to implement it." [Ritchie?] "Using unix is like kicking a dead whale down the beach." One milli-helen: the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. -- George Bernard Shaw [Jack Benny, 1938] You have your opinion, the rest of us have mine. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? Every morning is the dawn of a new error. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone... The floggings will continue until morale improves. I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. Mental floss prevents moral decay. Madness takes its toll. please have exact change. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'nice doggie!' til you can find a rock. Diplomacy -- the art of letting someone have your way. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If things get any worse, i'll have to ask you to stop helping me. If I want your opinion, i'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either. Budget: a method for going broke methodically. Car service: if it ain't broke, we'll break it. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Do witches run spell checkers? Copywight 1994 elmer fudd. All wights wesewved. Dain bramaged. Department of redundancy department What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence? Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. Bad command or file name! go stand in the corner. Windows message: "error saving file! format drive now? (y/y)" Bad or missing mouse. heimlich the cat?(y/n) Runtime error 6d at 417a:32cf: incompetent user. User error: replace user. Windows virusscan 1.0 -- "windows found: remove it? (y/n)" Cannot find reality.sys. universe halted. Coffee.exe missing -- insert cup and press any key Buy a pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. they only think they are. My software never has bugs. it just develops random features. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL Best file compression around: "del *.*" = 100% compression The definition of an upgrade: take old bugs out, put new ones in. Breakfast.com halted...cereal port not responding Buffers=20 files=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! C:\> bad command or file name! go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Why doesn't dos ever say "excellent command or filename!" As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: y'all reckon? (yep/nope) ... file not found. Should I fake it? (y/n) Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny A mainframe: the biggest pc peripheral available. An error? impossible! my modem is error correcting. Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. Windows: just another pane in the glass. Who's general failure & why's he reading my disk? RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure. All computers wait at the same speed. Definition: computer -- a device designed to speed and automate errors. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Ascii stupid question, get a stupid ansi! E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. Help! I'm modeming, and I can't hang up!!! All wiyht. rho sritched mg kegtops awound? Error: keyboard not attached. press f1 to continue. "640k ought to be enough for anybody." -- bill gates, 1981 Hidden DOS secret: add bugs=off to your config.sys Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Press any key... no, no, no, not that one! Sped up my xt; ran it on 220v! works greo?_~ Hit any user to continue. 2400 baud makes you want to get out and push!! I hit the ctrl key but I'm still not in control! Disk full -- press f1 to belch. Backup not found: (a)bort (r)etry (p)anic (a)bort, (r)etry, (t)ake down entire network? (a)bort, (r)etry, (g)et a beer? If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. Old programmers don't die, they just gosub without return. Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Politicians in government should be changed regularly, like diapers, for the same reason. Bigamy is having one wife too many. monogamy is the same. -Oscar Wilde "There are two major products that come out of berkeley: lsd and unix. we don't believe this to be a coincidence." -- Jeremy S. Anderson "I think phd stands for pfuddled" -- Susan Carroll, social commentator My friend john 7 told me, "A freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother." "I used to live for sex. now i'd die for some" Bob Allison = = = = = = = [ a co-worker once asked me "How fast is an ibm rs6000?", and I responded "9.8 meters per second squared..." -- ed.] = = = = = = = from: bryan hoog subject: five miles long Overheard at the local racetrack: "I like your cologne. what is it?" "Its called 'eau de doo dah day'." = = = = = = = Women. can't fuck with 'em, can't fuck without 'em. -- regards, [ag] gaynor@rutgers.edu = = = = = = = from: watmath!uts.amdahl.com!larry (larry hardiman) subject: joke, old, grammar I have known this one for as long as I can remember. A man from peoria has to make his first business trip, to boston. so he gets off the airplain in boston, collects his luggage, grabs a cab. he tells the cabbie to take him to his hotel. while on the way to the hotel he asks the cabbie "Where in boston is the best place to get scrod?" The cabbie thinks for a moment and responds "Well sir, i've heard it said many ways, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive". = = = = = = = From: watmath!ttidca.tti.com!paulb (paul blumstein) The peter fonda workout: when you wake up in the morning, smoke two joints, then go over to your sister's house to ask her for money. = = = = = = = From: watmath!uunet!mtxinu!rtech!binky!dianeh (diane holt) Subject: what's the another term for... Q: What's another term for cunnilingus? Q: Genital slurpees. = = = = = = = From: Subject: orchestras Q: What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?? A: The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back. = = = = = = = From: watmath!linus!xait!harvard!husc6!daemon (mr background) Subject: les animaux What's the difference between a dog and a fox? Eight beers. = = = = = = = Parachute for sale never opened. Small red stain. Asking $xxx or best offer. call... from national lampoon = = = = = = = from: kenneth h. lee Q: What's white and streaks across the sky? Q: The coming of the lord. = = = = = = = From: bryan hoog Subject: express santa I've been told that the local shopping mall has two santas, a regular one, and an express santa for kids requesting five presents or less. = = = = = = = Q: what's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? A: beer nuts cost $1.50. deer nuts are under a buck. = = = = = = = Subject: seen on a bathroom wall "Dear Falwell: if aids is a sign from god, lesbians are the chosen people." = = = = = = = From: ian dillon Subject: housewife humor Q: Why do housewives close their eyes when they make love? A: They hate to see their husbands having a good time! = = = = = = = The following was told to me by bill cheswick: Q: why is the force like duct tape? A: it has a light side and a dark side and holds the universe together. = = = = = = = From: brian sturgill Subject: word to (continue to) live by: Organization: u of ky, math. sciences, lexington ky Never play russian roulette with a clip-loaded pistol. = = = = = = = Subject: pithy description of soviet economy "imagine an entire nation run by the post office" = = = = = = = From: ilan@gang-of-four.stanford.edu (ilan vardi) Subject: re: top ten earthquake lines Organization: computer science department, stanford university Definition of bad lover: An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. she says no. = = = = = = = From: dag bruck Subject: women and punctuation "Woman without her man has no reason for living." "Woman: without her, man has no reason for living." = = = = = = = From: Andrew Malton I saw a sign on an office door which was covered in peace symbols and said Inspector Clouseau fans against the beumb = = = = = = = From: mustang Why do you need toilet paper in the twighlight zone? Doo doo, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo [twilight zone theme] = = = = = = = Q: why did the british empire spread to such faraway places as india? A: you *have* tasted english cooking, haven't you? = = = = = = = On a first day of class student data sheet: Q. What is your biggest concern about your writing? A. Grammer = = = = = = = OJ's web address is http:////////// = = = = = = = subject: fortune cookie This is a true story... I was sitting with a friend at a chinese restaurant, and following our dinner, we cracked open our fortune cookies and found this interesting fortune : "To stay healthy, eat more chinese food." = = = = = = = 'No lawyers. Prosecuters will be violated.'. Neal Copperman: "I was surprised how closely the movie stuck to the book. Still, reading about somebody doing something is always better than seeing Keanu Reaves doing the same thing, except perhaps dieing a violent death." 1.802618 megafurlongs per microfortnight... ... not just a good idea, it's the law. The payne elevator company office in cambridge, mass. is in a single-story building. = = = = = = = From: news To: usenet Date: wed, 17 jul 91 05:47:14 pdt Expire problems: Expire: bad expiry date in `<1991jul16.123632.27886@bronze.ucs.india...', Expire: specifically, `whentheuniverseexplodesintonothingness' -- ignored = = = = = = = License plate seen in the parking lot at the local mall: "I have PMS and I carry a handgun." -------- Seen on the front door of *color magic*, a color copy store in mountain view, ca: +---------------------------+ | push | | if that doesn't work then | | pull | | if that doesn't work then | | we're closed. | +---------------------------+ -------- Any sufficiently advanced skill is indistinguishable from luck. [ moots@ksu.ksu.edu ? ] -------- "I have an inferiority complex, but it isn't a very good one." [from lmboyd's trivia column] said wit susan vass, "I've been married so long, I'm on my third bottle of tabasco sauce!" "The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's all right with you." Seen on a sign, held up by a derelict person: "Will uninstall windows 95 for food!" ---- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys ... Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child, when it's mother feels chilly. If you can't trust me with a choice, how can you trust me with an hawaiian pizza? "Virtuous motives, trammeled by inertia and timidity, are no match for armed and resolute wickedness." -- W. S. Churchill ? ? if there's no ? such thing as a free ? lunch then, how do you explain ? what i found in the road this afternoon ? HAL 9000: dave. put down those windows disks, dave. dave! I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. The graduate with a science degree asks, "why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "how does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "how much will it cost?" The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "do you want fries with that?" I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. The lord's prayer is 66 words, the gettysburg address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the declaration of independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. Half of the people in the world are below average. There's so much comedy on television. does that cause comedy in the streets? I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. On a tombstone: "I told you I was sick!" Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the civil war. 2. Advising the president. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. -- david letterman Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain Calvin: people think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Hobbes: isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front? Laundry instructions on a shirt made by heet (korea): For best results: wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. --salvador dali The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned: do not have sex with the authorities. I love animals, they taste great. Earth first! We'll stripmine the other planets later. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. They who laugh last think slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. I won't rise to the occasion, but i'll slide over to it. Assassins do it from behind. Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart? "Criminal lawyer" is a redundancy. I.R.S.: we've got what it takes to take what you've got! I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. What is a "free gift"? Aren't all gifts free? Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. If you are psychic -- think "honk" Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "hey -- nice bike! where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'you can have anything you want!!' " "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway." "The last good thing written in C was franz schubert's symphony number 9." --erwin dieterich erwin@cvt12.verfahrenstechnik.uni-stuttgart.de College is a fountain of knowledge, and the students are there to drink. A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. Steven King, 3/8/90: "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow "When your hammer is c++, everything begins to look like a thumb." -- steve hoflich, compl.lang.c++ The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- english professor, ohio university What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? When you're swimmin' in the creek and an eel bites your cheek that's a moray! -- fabulous furry freak brothers Save the whales. Collect the whole set. This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker Q: How many minimalists does it take to change a light bulb? A: one "... one of the main causes of the fall of the roman empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. Grabel's law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. Here's some things you might want to really think about ... ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do they call it a tv set if you only get one? Why does the teflon stick to the pan? Why do they call them apartments when they're all stuck together? Why does a cowboy need two spurs -- if one side of the horse goes, so does the other. If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then congress is the opposite of progress. Why do they call a sculpture a bust when it stops just before the part it would be named after? Why isn't there a knob on a tv set so we could turn up the intelligence? There's a brightness knob but it doesn't work. If our knees were bent the other way, what would a chair look like? Why do both our feet point in the same direction? If our feet were a christmas tree stand, that tree would be on the floor. Why does the word "one" start with an "o" and the word "two" contain a "w"? Did the "w" from "one" fall down to "two"? Why is the word "little" twice as big as the word "big"? Why does sour cream have an expiration date? If yogurt goes bad, how can you tell? If milk is only 2%, what's in the other 98%? Why do they call golf clubs drivers if they just sit in the back of the cart? Do all the horses drown during a game of water polo? Why do they call it pool if there's no water on the table? At a baseball game, why do they call them the stands if everyone is sitting down? Does President Clinton get to have veteran's day off? Why is the definition of the word "dictionary" in a dictionary? Don't they know what they're reading? Why doesn't super glue stick to the bottle? Why are hot dogs sold in 10-packs and buns sold in 8-packs? *** *** ...Then there was the time when Geronimo jumped out of an airplane and yelled, "meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!" Reality is the murder of a beautiful theory by a gang of ugly facts. Candy is dandy, but aspartame is a phenylketonuric. >Some facts of life: > >Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with. > >A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. > >It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. > >Always remember to pillage before you burn. > >If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. >corollary: if you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you >live. > >The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody >appreciates how difficult it was. > >It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to >others. > >The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average >man can see better than he can think. > >A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy >to be on your way. > >Mark Twain: >"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." > >Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left >them to where you can't find them. > >Law of probability dispersal: whatever it is that hits the fan will not be >evenly distributed. > >Due to financial cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel will be shut >off until further notice. >Actual bumper stickers: > >"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." > >"I love cats...they taste just like chicken" > >"Out of my mind. back in five minutes." > >"Cover me. I'm changing lanes." > >"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" > >"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." > >"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep" > >"Montana --- at least our cows are sane!" > >"The gene pool could use a little chlorine." > >"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." > >"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot!" > >"It's as bad as you think, and they are out to get you." > >"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the irs." > >"I took an iq test and the results were negative." > >"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" > >"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!" > >"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." > >"Forget about world peace.....visualize using your turn signal" > >"Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear." > >"We are born naked, wet and hungry. then things get worse." > >"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." > >"He who laughs last thinks slowest" > >"Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math." > >"Very funny, scotty. now beam down my clothes." > >"Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." > >"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." > >"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette." > >"Be nice to your kids. they'll choose your nursing home." > >"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic >particles." > >"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off." > >"I'm a corporate executive; I keep things from happening." > >"If clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question." > >"Bad cop! No donut!" > >"This acid must be good. It feels like I'm driving!" > Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? Warning: dates in calendar are closer than they appear. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Never criticize someone till you've walked a mile in their shoes. then it's ok to criticize them because you're a mile away and you've got their shoes!! Auntie Em: Hate you, hate kansas, taking the dog. --Dorothy. It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. If money could talk, it would say goodbye. "Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. it's what separates us from the animals...except the weasel." -- Homer Simpson > They think they can make fuel from horse manure... now i > don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to > the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. > billie holliday > I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging > starts: "I wanna know your name" > mike binder > Advertising: the science of arresting the human > intelligence long enough to get money from it > stephen leacock > Everything is drive-through. in california, they even have > a burial service called jump-in-the-box. > wil shriner > I'm not into working out. my philosophy: no pain, no pain. > carol leifer > I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. so i > grew hair under my arms instead. > sue kolinsky > A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt > bulbs in business. > shelley berman > You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of > ex-lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough. > pearl williams > Don't spend two dollars to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to > the salvation army instead. They'll clean it and put it > on a hanger. next morning buy it back for seventy-five > cents. > billiam coronel > I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots > wore helmets. > dave edison > I went into a mcdonald's yesterday and said, "i'd like some > fries." the girl at the counter said, "would you like some > fries with that?" > jay leno > Anytime four new yorkers get into a cab together without > arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. > johnny carson > It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the > toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. > george lindsey > Never moon a werewolf. > mike binder > If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching > television by candlelight. > george gobel > But seriously folks, you have to stay in shape. my grandmother, she > started walking five miles a day when she was 60. she's 97 today and > we don't know where the hell she is. > "Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt". > "Wink; i'll do the rest!" > "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die." > "I still miss my ex .... but my aim is getting better." My wife is incredibly immature. Tell me if you don't think this is immature: she'll come into the bathroom when I'm in the tub, just barge right in, sink all of my boats... = = = = = = = We were so poor when we were kids, we couldn't afford gray. we had to wear black and white checks and stand back. = = = = = = = A computer scientist is someone who, when told to "go to hell," sees the "go to," rather than the destination, as harmful. Isn't it cruel that "dyslexia" is so hard to spell? He who lives in a glass house should not invite in he who is without sin. "Grad school is the snooze button on the alarm clock of life." -- jim squire (mit ee grad student) "Well, gee, I don't know if I have mixed feelings about that or not." ---terry gross, the host of npr's fresh air, commenting on some dodgy audio work that had to be done while restoring hitchcock's "vertigo" = = = = = = = from: k97@compusmart.ab.ca (k-97 fm) Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital room. one leans over to the other and say what are you in here for. the other says "circumcision". the first boy says "oh, I had that done right after I was born .... I couldn't walk for a year." Watching the superbowl pre-game, the camera cut to the patriot's coach looking very concerned -- to which john madden commented: "oh, if faces could only talk....!" hiroshima '45 tschernobyl '86 windows '95 When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. -Rita Rudner, comedienne (1955- ) It's not true that married men live longer than single men... it only seems longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months... I don't like to interrupt her. Death to all fanatics! Lawyer: a cat who settles disputes between mice. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. I have seen the evidence. I want different evidence! According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. C:\graphics\gif\naughty\filthy\disgusting\wow! Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill. Pride is what we have. vanity is what others have. Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either. Philistines demand david be tested for steroids. Another smooth escape disguised as a dramatic exit. A man, a plan, ere I saw elba. Graffiti: Beauty is only a light switch away. -perkins library. duke university I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. -houghton library, harvard university. If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -- armand's pizza, washington, d.c. Remember, it's not, "how high are you?" it's "hi, how are you?" -rest stop off route 81, west virginia Beware of limbo dancers -on the bottom of the stall door, women's bathroom, broad ripple brew pub, indianapolis Rome wasn't built in a day... that's because it was a government job. -- women's restroom. cincinatti I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. -- bailey howe library, university of vermont. [tom waits?] Hey, your karma just ran over my dogma. -- blueberry hill, st. louis mo God made pot, man made beer. who do you trust. -- the irish times, washington, d.c. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. -- the bayou, baton rouge, la No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. -- men's room, linda's bar and grill, chapel hill, nc It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. -- written in the dust on the back of a bus. wickenburg, az Make love, not war. Hell, do both -- get married. -- women's restroom, filling station, bozeman, mt God is dead -- nietzsche Nietzsche is dead -- god If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. -revolution books, ny A woman's rule of thumb: if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. -- women's restroom, dallas, tx Just 'cause it's clean don't mean it's fresh. -- port-o'-john's, acadia nat'l park, maine If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? congress. -- men's restroom, house of representatives, washington, d.c. Bill clinton threw up here. -the oyster bar. little rock, ak I used to be into necrophilia and beastiality....but then i realized I was just kicking a dead horse. -- the cellar restaurant, va If it wasn't intended to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco. -- nathan's, washington, d.c. "If you can say you're a Kennedy, I can say I'm 18." -- Michael Wolf, Brookline, MA "Publicity is good. Good publicity is even better." --P. T. Barnum Date: Mon, 8 Dec 1997 20:16:48 -0800 ---------- POINTS TO PONDER...... Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. A day without sunshine is like. . . . night. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a large rock. I just got lost in thought. . . It was unfamiliar territory. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Put on your seatbelt...I wanna try something. There's no future in time travel. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Chocolate: the OTHER major food group. I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out. Multitasking -- screwing up several things at once. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of your mouth. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. A good pun is its own reword. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate. A critter will assume the shape of the container it is packed into. OK, so what's the speed of dark? All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. I drank WHAT? -- Socrates A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Date: Fri, 6 Feb 1998 08:41:56 -0500 Subject: JOKE: quotes More Quotes . . . . I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. --Ellen DeGeneres I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. --Elayne Boosler Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? --John Mendoza Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. --Bob Ettinger I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman. --Bruce Baum Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. --Jim Carrey USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. --David Letterman A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.' --Jake Johansen I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. --Lily Tomlin The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon here. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' --Jerry Seinfeld Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. --A. Whitney Brown "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet. There must be more to life than sitting wondering if there is more to life. Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 13:46:18 -0700 Life is sexually transmitted. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include an annual free trip around the sun. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that). Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess? An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Do you know what a pessimist is? A person who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. -George Bernard Shaw If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it? -Albert Einstein It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle, Altar, Hymn. -Frank Muir & Dennis Norden Oscar Wilde once said, "It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious." An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support. This sentance has threee errors. "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner No matter how cynical you are, it's just never enough to keep up. -- Lily Tomlin "The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a tired feeling:" Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. -Will Rogers "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." Mark Twain: Get the facts first. You can distort them later. Robert Owen: Never argue; repeat your assertion. My wife and I were happy for 20 years -- then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: hfarkas@us.ibm.com Subject: It Oughta Be A Button! Keywords: smirk, long, offensive, heard it, forwarded Date: Sun, 24 Jan 1999 19:30:00 PST New sayings that should be on buttons... 1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 6. Do I look like a freakin' people person? 7. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. 11. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 12. You! Off my planet! 13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control. 15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants. 16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! 18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 19. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. 25. And just how may I screw you over today? 27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil... 29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 30. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 32. Allow me to introduce my selves. 33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you." 35. Better living through denial. 36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 38. Adult child of alien invaders. 39. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. 42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs? 48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? 49. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! 52. Adults are just kids who owe money. 53. One of us is thinking about sex..... OK, it's me. 54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor. 59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? 61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you! 62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong. 63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses. 66. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done. 68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 69. You look like shit. Is that the style now? 70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. 71. Earth is full. Go home. 72. Is it time for your medication or mine? 74. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 75. I plead contemporary insanity. 76. And which dwarf are you? 77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama. 78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 79. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 81. Meandering to a different drummer. 82. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 83. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go? This joke's link: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/99/Jan/stickers.html -- There 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't. There are 10 kinds of computer scientists: those who count in binary, and those who don't. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Diplomacy -- the art of letting someone have your way. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny Subject: Smart Comments Keywords: chuckle, swearing, forwarded Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 19:30:00 PDT Lines: 63 Try using these some time....... 1) Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... 2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 13) No, my powers can only be used for good. 14) How about never? Is never good for you? 15) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 16) You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication. 17) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 18) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 19) I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 20) Who me? I just wander from room to room. 21) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 22) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 23) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 24) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 25) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 26) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject. This joke's link: http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/99/Jun/oneliners.html -- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them? Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 17:03:21 -0700 (PDT) >Subject: NEW PROVERBS 1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile way -- and barefoot. 4. Going to church doesn't make you a holy person any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 7. A closed mouth gathers no feet. 8. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 10. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 11. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 12. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. 13. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 14. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 15. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. 16. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 17. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 18. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 19. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them. -Rita Rudner How did a fool and his money get together in the first place? This plumber is trying to placate a woman in her flooded kitchen. "Listen madam," he says to her, "Crying only makes it worse." The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing. I'm just driving this way to piss you off. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Date: Mon, 22 Jan 2001 18:56:31 -0600 > Subject: Funny quotes Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is. --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." --Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends") "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." --Tiger Woods (On going to war over religion) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend." --Yassir Arrafat (PLO leader) (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." --Bruce Willis "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan." --George Burns "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." --Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner -- 1996) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." --Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee -- the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." --Dan Rather (News anchorman) "I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" --Arnold Schwarzenegger "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." --Jerry Garcia "People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it is safer to harrass rich women than motorcycle gangs." Did you ever notice: If you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs" ? FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION -- it comes bundled with the software. Being Politically Correct means always having to say you're sorry. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day; if you are not home by then, you are in deep trouble. "I don't think I've become 'old.' Not your actual 'old.' Just more aware of where the next lavatory is." --Boy Willie, member of Cohen the Barbarian's Silver Horde; The Last Hero by Terry Pratchett and Paul Kidby Date: Thu, 1 May 2003 02:35:01 +0000 Subject: Seen on T Shirts 1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. 2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive. 7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 15) God must love stupid people; he made so many. 16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 17) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 21) CAT -- The Other White Meat! 22) Beer -- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon! 23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads! 24) "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" -- seen on Cape Cod 25) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" -- (seen on an 8 year old) 26) "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" 27) "Procrastinate Now" 28) "Rehab Is for Quitters" 29) "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" 30) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?" 31) "Party -- My Crib -- Two A. M." (On a baby-size shirt) 32) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do What I've Been Doing Since 15" 33) "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING" 34) "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names" 35) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software." 36) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN" 37) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes" 38) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance" 39) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" 40) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING -- Ban Country Music" 41) "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken" 42) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" 43) "Time's fun when you're having flies -- Kermit the Frog" 44) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN -- Cops have nothing to go on." 45) "FOR SALE -- Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once." 46) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH" 47) "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the memory." 48) "The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it." 49) "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." 50) "HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig." 51) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY -- Set your watch back 20 years." 52) "The trouble with life is there's no background music." 53) "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?" 54) "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!" 55) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson." 56) "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT" 57) "Computer programmers don't byte; they nibble a bit." 58) "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware." 59) "MOP AND GLOW -- Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team." 60) "NyQuil -- The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine." 61) "Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research." 62) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't." Thank you for sending me a copy of your book -- I'll waste no time in reading it. --Moses Hadas, teacher and author (1900-1966) A fool and his money are soon elected. --Will Rogers Ancient Celts agree: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. Chinese proverb: If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. Will Rogers confides, "There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." Johnny Hart ponders, "If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around? ... Perhaps, some of them were given a choice?" Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?! Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?" "I thought I was wrong once, but I found out later I was mistaken." -- Seldom Seen Slim, in Edward Abbey's "The Monkey Wrench Gang"