Martha Stewart's Calendar

The following are some entries submitted in the Washington Post's
"Style Invitational," a weekly humor contest.  This time, folks were
asked to submit entries for Martha Stewart's December-January
calendar.  (The winning entry, by the way, is shown for Jan. 31.)

Dec. 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for
answering machine.
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Dec. 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion
cat-o'-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
(Virginia Ann James, Alexandria)

Dec. 4
Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so
that they're all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Russell Beland, Springfield)

Dec. 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Dec. 7
Debug Windows 95.
(Paul Styrene, Olney)

Dec. 11
Buy some cockroaches from the less fortunate; decorate eggs.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Dec. 12
Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove
air, replace with nitrogen.
(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Dec. 13
Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry
cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)

Dec. 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
(Tracy Kiely, Laurel)

Dec. 15
Replace air in minivan tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case
tires are shot out at the mall.
(Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville)

Dec. 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the
same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Dec. 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg white and roll in confectioner's sugar to
add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
(Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Dec. 21
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.
(Aaron Goldschmidt and Dorothy Hickson, Arlington; Stephen Dudzik,
Silver Spring)

Dec. 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Dec. 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
(Mimi Jordan, Gaithersburg; Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Dec. 24
Do my annual good deed: Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
last-minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Dec. 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.
(Kevin Vail and David Starn, Bethesda; Jessica Steinhice, Washington)

Dec. 26
Write and mail Christmas thank-yous. Order cards for next
Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making new
friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current friends
and relatives.
(Russell W. Beland, Springfield)

Dec. 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)

Dec. 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions.
(Ann Makowski, Alexandria)
Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes
midnight in that country.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Robin D. Grove, Baltimore)

Jan. 1, 1997
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1997.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)

Jan. 3
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
(Christopher Buban, Alexandria)

Jan. 5
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and
cinnamon sticks.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Jan. 7
Lay Faberge egg.
(Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl's shoe inserts
into heat pump.
(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Jan. 16
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
(Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Jan. 20
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Jan. 23
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse)

Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal
address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the
people you do not know.
(Sarah Pekruhn and David Winker, Washington)

Jan. 26
Review the Christmas '95 show and try to understand why Julia Child
is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
(J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.)

Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
(Greg and Kate McMinn, Washington)

Jan. 31
Gild lilies.
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)