Date: Mon, 6 Jun 1994 16:22:38 -0400 Subject: Newspaper headlines :-) Real Live Newspaper Headlines ------------------------------ POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS EYE DROPS OFF SHELF TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX PLANE TOO CLOSE TO GROUND, CRASH PROBE TOLD MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT STOLEN PAINTING FOUND BY TREE TWO SOVIET SHIPS COLLIDE, ONE DIES 2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE FOR SECOND TIME IN 10 YEARS NEVER WITHHOLD HERPES INFECTION FROM LOVED ONE WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE Date: Tue, 31 Jan 1995 11:01:59 -0800 Subject: Real Headlines! Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws his Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Lansing Residents can Drop off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine may Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Include your Children when Baking Cookies Date: Thu, 2 Mar 1995 23:01:51 -0800 Subject: Daily humor: classic headlines o Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says o Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers o Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted o Drunk gets nine months in violin case o Survivor of siamese twins joins parents o Farmer Bill dies in house o Iraqi head seeks arms o Is there a ring of debris around Uranus? o Stud tires out o Prostitutes appeal to Pope o Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over o Soviet virgin lands short of goal again o British left waffles on Falkland Islands o Lung cancer in women mushrooms o Eye drops off shelf o Teacher strikes idle kids o Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead o Squad helps dog bite victim o Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66 o Enraged cow injures farmer with ax o Plane too close to ground, crash probe told o Miners refuse to work after death o Juvenile court to try shooting defendant o Stolen painting found by tree o Two soviet ships collide, one dies o 2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter o Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years o Never withhold herpes infection from loved one o Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84 o War dims hope for peace o If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while o Cold wave linked to temperatures o Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge o Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead o Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge o New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group o Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft o Kids Make Nutritious Snacks o Chef Throws Hes Heart In Helping Feed Needy o Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire o Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood o Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half o New Vaccine May Contain Rabies o Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 16:22:06 -0600 Subject: Humor: advertisements > Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers > > > 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, > 555-1234. Leave mess. > > Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the > family. > > A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by > waitresses in appetizing forms. > > Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. > > For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large > drawers. > > Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover. > > Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to > take home, too. > > Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. > > We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by > hand. > > For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. > > For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy. > > Great Dames for sale. > > Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. > > Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. > > Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. > > Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. > > If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis > Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, > and Chopin. > > Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim > in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. > > The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and > other athletic facilities. > > Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours. > > Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. > Automatically burns toast. > > Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that > lots of women wear nothing else. > > Stock up and save. Limit: one. > > We build bodies that last a lifetime. > > For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. > > Man, honest. Will take anything. > > Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References > required. > > Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. > > UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! > > Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. > > Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play. > > Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential. > > Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. > > 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred. > > Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and > smacks included. > > Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. > > Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll > never go anywhere again. > > Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204. > > Illiterate? Write today for free help. > > Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue > Cross and salary. > > Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume > general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to > growth of family. > > Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for > efficient beating. > > Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. > > And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, > unrivaled inconvenience. > > We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00. > >----- End Included Message ----- Date: Mon, 5 Jan 1998 20:06:20 -0800 Subject: more headlines 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says 3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case 6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope 9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands 11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms 12. Eye Drops Off Shelf 13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids 14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead 15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax 16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told 17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death 18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant 19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree 20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter 21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years 22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One 23. War Dims Hope For Peace 24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While 25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures 26. Deer Kill 17,000 27. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide 28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge 31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group 32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft 33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 34. Chef Throws Hes Heart In Helping Feed Needy 35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire 36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood 37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half 38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 17:20:17 -0600 Sender: VALHALLA -- T h e F o u r t h T a p Subject: Fw: Newspapers | The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers!! | | Free Yorkshire Terrier. | 8 years old. Hateful little dog. | | ---------------------------------- | | Free Puppies: | 1/2 cocker spaniel | 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog | | ------------------------------ | | Free Puppies... part german shepherd part stupid dog | | ------------------------------ | | Found: Dirty White Dog. | Looks like a rat... | Been out awhile ... | Better be reward. | | ----------------------------------- | | 1 Man, 7 Woman Hot Tub -- $850/offer | | ---------------------------- | | Snow Blower For Sale... | Only used on snowy days. | | ------------------------------- | | 2 Wire Mesh Butchering Gloves: | 1 five-finger, 1 three-finger; pair: $15 | | ------------------------------ | | Tickle Me Elmo, Still In Box, | Comes with its own 1988 Mustang, L 5, Auto, | Excellent Condition $6800 | | ------------------------------ | | Cows For Sale. Never bred calves. | Also 1 gay bull for sale. | | ----------------------------------- | | Full Sized Mattress. | 20 yr. warranty. | Like new. Slight urine smell. | | ----------------------------------- | | Nordic Track $300 | Hardly used; call Chubby. | | ------------------------------------- | | Bill's Septic Cleaning | "We Haul American Made Products" | | -------------------------------------- | | Hummels - Largest Selection Ever. "If it's in stock, we have it!" | | ---------------------------------------- | | Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club | | ----------------------------------------- | | Georgia Peaches | California Grown - 89 cents lb. | | ------------------------------------------ | | Nice Parachute: | Never opened - used once. | | ------------------------------------------- | | Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? | We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. | Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour. | | --------------------------------------------- | | Exercise Equipment: | Queen size mattress & box springs - $175. | | --------------------------------------------- | | Our sofa will seat the whole mob. | 100% italian leather. | | ----------------------------------------------- | | Joining Nudist Colony! | Selling Washer & Dryer $300. | | ---------------------------------------------- | | Alzheimer's Center Prepares | For an affair to remember | | -------------------------------------------- | | Open House | Body shapers toning salon | Free coffee & donuts | | --------------------------------------- | | [and now for the best of the lot:] | | FOR SALE BY OWNER | Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. | Excellent condition. $1,000.00 negotiable. No longer needed. | Recently married; wife knows everything. Date: Thu, 12 Apr 2001 15:42:20 -0500 Sender: VALHALLA -- T h e F o u r t h T a p Subject: Memorable Church Bulletin Notices Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service: Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus" Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 P.M.. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.. Prayer and medication to follow. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from theChurch. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High" -------- In Tuesday's paper, we inadvertently referred to Officer Keyes as "a defective on the police force". We wish to apologize, as we of course intended "a detective on the police farce." We apologize to Mr. John Smith for referring to him as the `bottle scarred veteran.' We intended to describe him as `the battle scared veteran'. From: Eve Sander (eveneden@gol.com) Subject: Re: AWADmail 52 - Headlines One of my favorite headlines -- A travel agency was being sued for failing to deliver on advertised features of a group junket to Ireland: "Tour Allure a Lie". Of the _un_intentional kind, in teaching Japanese businessmen how to decode English headlines, my all-time fave is "British Left Waffles on Falklands Islands". I always picture British soldiers carefully laying down lines of crisp waffles step by step as they walk backwards toward troopships in the harbor! (Of course here "left" is a noun and "waffles" is the verb.)