In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results. Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American. In a Finnish clothing shop (actually in Finnish, but it translates): We don't exchange underwear. ---- Next to a nursery school [of the Trinity United Church, Ottawa, Ont, ca 1970] Please pick up your children promptly after service. No refunds after Wednesday ---- The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A. ---------------------------------------------------------------- At gas eterias through the nation: Eat here and get gas. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait. In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot. In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child. In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy On a New Hampshire medical building: Martin Diabetes Professional Ass. In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting! On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church. On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel. On a display of "I love you only" valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour! On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques. On a Pennsylvania highway: Drive carefully. Auto accidents kill most people 15 to 19. In downtown Boston: Calahan Tunnel -- No end In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here? In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends. In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11 AM to 11 PM midnight. In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: Now serving live lobsters. On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak. On a movie marquee: Now playing: ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands! In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. On a roller coaster: Watch your head. On the grounds of a public school: No tresspassing without permission. In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away. On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car. And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign." > Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. > These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of > "Anguished English". > > * On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere > thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and > contributing to the death of her husband. > > * The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it > crashed, witnesses said. > > * With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not > concern us here), every single crime committed in this > nation of ours involves a victim. > > * A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane > recently. > > * Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support > from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task > force on driving while intoxicated. > > * He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne > has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being > arrested and accused of driving a parked car while > intoxicated. > > * Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, > regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control > morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold. > > * A college friendship that began a year ago ended in > matrimony yesterday. > Date: Fri, 18 Apr 1997 15:33:57 -0400 Subject: FW: english (fwd) >Subject: english > > The English Lesson > > We'll begin with box, and the plural is boxes; > But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes. > Then one fowl is goose, but two are called geese > Yet the plural of moose should never be meese. > > You may find a lone mouse or a whole lot of mice, > But the plural of house is houses, not hice. > If the plural of man is always called men, > When couldn't the plural of pan be called pen? > > The cow in the plural may be cows or kine, > But the plural of vow is vows, not vine. > And I speak of a foot, and you show me your feet, > But I give a boot - would a pair be called beet? > > If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, > Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? > If the singular is this and plural is these, > Why shouldn't the plural of kiss be nicknamed kese? > > Then one may be that, and three may be those, > Yet the plural of hat would never be hose; > We speak of a brother, and also of brethren, > But though we say mother, we never say methren. > > The masculine pronouns are he, his and him, > But imagine the feminine she, shis, and shim! > So our English, I think you will all agree, > Is the trickiest language you ever did see. > > I take it you already know > Of tough and bough and cough and dough? > Others may stumble, but not you > On hiccough, thorough, slough, and through? > > Well done! And now you wish, perhaps > To learn of less familiar traps? > Beware of heard, a dreadful word > That looks like beard and sounds like bird. > > And dead; it's said like bed, not bead; > For goodness sake, don't call it deed! > Watch out for meat and great and threat, > (they rhyme with suite and straight and debt) > > A moth is not a moth in mother. > Nor both in bother, broth in brother. > And here is not a match for there. > And dear and fear for bear and pear. > > And then there's dose and rose and lose -- > Just look them up -- and goose and choose. > And cork and work and card and ward, > And font and front and word and sword. > > And do and go, then thwart and cart. > Come, come, I've hardly made a start. > A dreadful language? Why, man alive, > I'd learned to talk it when I was five, > > And yet to write it, the more I tried, > I hadn't learned it at fifty-five! > Date: Tue, 11 Nov 1997 15:07:06 -0500 (EST) Subject: Jolly Olde England [Forwards removed] Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW. Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS. Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL. Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF. Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT (Message inbox:10396) Date: Thu, 13 Nov 1997 10:48:37 -0500 (EST) Subject: Double Negative A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right." Article 6207 of rec.humor.funny: Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny From: chai@uiuc.edu (Ian Chai) Subject: English Keywords: original, chuckle Date: Fri, 2 Jan 98 19:30:01 EST Lines: 14 Not only does the English Language borrow words from other languages, it sometimes chases them down dark alleys, hits them over the head, and goes through their pockets. -- Eddy Peters Not only that, instead of the money, it escapes with the pocket lint. -- Don Roberts [From Dr. Ralph Johnson's Patterns Discussion Group, as witnessed by me]