[by Dave Barry]

Emoticon  Meanings:
 
 :)      Happy person
 
 :(      Sad person
 
 :-)     Happy person with a nose
 
 :-(     Sad person with a nose
 
 :---(   Person sad because he or she has a large nose
 
 :--%    Person sad because he or she has a large crayfish
         for a nose
 
 :-D     Person laughing
 
 :-D*    Person laughing so hard he or she does not notice
         that a large spider is hanging from his or her lip
 
 :-|     Person unsure which long distance company to choose
 
 8-0-(&) Person just realizing that he or she has a tapeworm
 
 ;-)     Person winking
 
 .-)     Person who can still smile despite losing an eyeball
 
 :0-WW   Person vomiting a series of Slim Jims
 
 :-Q     Person who just had cybersex and is now enjoying a
         postcoital cybercigarette
 
 :-Q-... Person who was enjoying a postcoital
         cybercigarette until he suddenly noticed, to
         his alarm, that there is some kind of discharge
         dribbling from his cybermember
 
 :-(8    Person who is none too happy with the results of
         her breast-enlargement surgery
 
:V:-|    Person who cannot figure out why nobody wants to
         talk to him or her, little suspecting that there
         is an alligator on his or her head
 
         his or her head containing a three legged octopus
         that is giving off smell rays
 
:-[-()f  Person who is none too pleased to be giving birth
         to a squid.