Date: Thu, 20 Jul 1995 10:07:21 -0600
Subject: Emo Humor


------- Forwarded Message--------------------

                      Emo Phillips - Quotes 

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said 
"A truck!"


I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 
"I'm going to mop the floor with your face."  I said, "You'll 
be sorry."  He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"  I said, "Well, you won't 
be able to get into the corners very well."


The toughest time -- in anyone's life -- is when you have to kill 
a loved one just because they're the devil.


I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse." 


I'm a great lover, I'll bet.


People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce. 


Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the 
leather straps.


I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, 
trying to get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them. 


You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their 
careers...damn anthropologists.


The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you 
on television?" I said, "I don't know.  You can't see out the 
other way."


I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. 
When brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the 
punishment for drunk driving in that state was.  His reply: "I 
don't know, reelection to the Senate?"


I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little 
children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming... 
They don't know I'm only using blanks.


I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. 
So I said, "Get off me, you two!"


I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing 
on the edge, about to jump off.  So i ran over and said "stop! 
don't do it!"  "Why shouldn't I?" he said.  I said, "Well, there's 
so much to live for!"  He said, "Like what?"  I said, "Well...are 
you religious or atheist?"  He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! 
Are you christian or buddhist?"  He said, "Christian."  I said, 
"Me too!  Are you catholic or protestant?"  He said, "Protestant." 
I said, "Me too!  Are you episcopalian or baptist?"  He said, 
"Baptist!"  I said, "Wow!  Me too!  Are you baptist church of god 
or baptist church of the lord?" He said, "Baptist church of god!" 
I said, "Me too!  Are you original baptist church of god, or are 
you reformed baptist church of god?"  He said, "Reformed baptist 
church of god!"  I said, "Me too!  Are you reformed baptist church 
of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, 
reformation of 1915?"  He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, 
reformation of 1915!"  I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed 
him off.


At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and 
charge five dollars for the second glass.  The refill contained 
the antidote.


A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it 
for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.


You know what I hate?  Indian givers.  No, I take that back. 

----- End Included Message -----

[from Dr.Katz]

My girlfriend told me she was seeing another man.  So i said,
"why don't you try rubbing your eyes?"

I weigh 110 pounds, naked...if you can trust those scales
at the train station.



----
A computer beat me at chess, once.  It's okay; it turned out to
be no match for me at kickboxing.