Date: Mon, 01 Dec 1997 14:22:11 -0800
Subject: new additions to the periodic table

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium  Lb
The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very
white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all
elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons;
attracts only morons.

Billclintium  Bc
With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a
series of interesting changes when in hot water.

Canadium  Eh
Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often
called Boron.

Innofensium  Pc
Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons,
quarks.  Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.

Newtium
Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess
magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

Quaylium  Vp
Einsteinium it ain't.

Budweisium  Ps
Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

Cabmium  Cb
Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in
motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter
what you do.  Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is
variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for
calculating it.

Politicium  Po
Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach
lethal concentrations in the House.

Congress Cg
Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

Snot  Sn
Bonds forever with corduroy.





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Date:         Tue, 10 Sep 2002 14:47:35 EDT

Heaviest Element Now Known

Researchers have recently discovered the heaviest element known to science,
ADMINISTRATIUM

Administratium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons,
and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons.

Since Administratium has no electrons, it is inert.  However, it can be
detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.
A minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four
days to complete when it would normally take less than two minutes.

Administratium has a normal half-life of three years.  It does not decay
but, instead, undergoes a reorganization, in which a number of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons
exchange places.
In fact Administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, thus forming new
isodopes.

This characteristic of moron transformation leads some scientist to
speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
"critical morass".  You will know it when you see it.