Article: 4283 of rec.humor.funny.reruns Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns From: mmb@magicm.com Organization: http://magicm.com/ Subject: Dr. Laura and the Bible Keywords: chuckle, forwarded, offense=Christians, originally appeared in Aug, 2000 Approved: rhf-reruns@netfunny.com Path: news.rice.edu!newsfeed.rice.edu!rice!news.harvard.edu!news.dfci.harvard.edu!news.cse.ohio-state.edu!news.maxwell.syr.edu!border1.nntp.dca.giganews.com!nntp.giganews.com!nx01.iad01.newshosting.com!newshosting.com!novia!news.netfunny.com!funny-request Followup-To: rec.humor.d Message-ID: Date: Wed, 8 Feb 2006 7:20:01 PST Lines: 49 Xref: news.rice.edu rec.humor.funny.reruns:4283 ASK DR. LAURA Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? And Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. [Note - reportedly written by filmmaker Michael Moore - ed.] -- From the RHF archives as selected by Brad Templeton, Maddi Hausmann and Jim Griffith. This newsgroup posts former jokes from the newsgroup rec.humor.funny. Visit http://www.netfunny.com/rhf to browse the RHF pages and archives on the web. Join and contribute to the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) today.