See also: http://www.demnos.com/quotes/jackhandy.htm#deep DEEP THOUGHTS By Jack Handey Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mank ind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words -- "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable -- until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the person screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust", some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad". We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell them is "God is crying." And if they ask why God is crying, another cute thing to tell them is "Probably because of something you did." Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -- just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight. If you're a scientist keeping a brain in a jar, why not add a lemon, for freshness? I think we should make the world a better place for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think kids should be having sex. Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does HE think HE'S going?! If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!" Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? } I'm afraid some people might actually think that. Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen." I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.) -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis! How do they do that?! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or twice and then throw it away. Make him practice on it, every day, for about three hours a day. Later, he'll thank you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But ONLY if you're serious about adopting the vulture. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is why God would allow me to go running through their yards, yelling and spinning around. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey Whenever I need to ``get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey "You know, I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!" -- Jack Handey Date: 04/08/97 03:59:53 PM CDT Subject: JOKE: In Imitation of Deep Thoughts >From a newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" ------------------------------------------------------- My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. Age 15 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age 10 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Age 15 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Age 8 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. Age 7 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Age 10 Home is where the house is. Age 6 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Age 5 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! Age 6 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? Age 15 Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Age 15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. Age 11 If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.