> Here's another thing from rec.humor. 
> 
> FORWARD ONLY TO MALES (top secret male information).
>
> 
> I probably wouldn't find it so funny if these had never been posed to me.
> ----
> 
> The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
>  
> The five questions are:
> 1 -  "What are you thinking?"
> 2 -  "Do you love me?"
> 3 -  "Do I look fat?"
> 4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
> 5 -  "What would you do if I died?"
>  
> What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to 
> explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not 
> answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.  For example:
>  
> 1 -  "What are you thinking?"  The proper answer to this question, of 
> course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting 
> on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful 
> woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." 
> Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what 
> the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of 
> five things:
>  a -  Baseball
>  b -  Football
>  c -  How fat you are.
>  d -  How much prettier she is than you.
>  e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
>  
> According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
> question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it
> by his wife, Peg.  "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking
> instead of thinking."
>  
>
> The other questions also have only one right answer but many
> wrong answers:
>  
> 2 -  "Do you love me?"  The correct answer to this question is,
> "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you 
> may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
>  a -  I suppose so.
>  b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
>  c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
>  d -  Does it matter?
>  e -  Who, me?
>  
>
> 3 -  "Do I look fat?"  The correct male response to this question is to
> confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
> quickly leave the room.  Wrong answers include:
>  a -  Y'know, I think society places too much emphasis on being thin.
>  b -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
>  c -  Compared to what?
>  d -  A little extra weight looks good on you.
>  e -  I've seen fatter.
>  
>
> 4 -  "Do you think she's prettier than me?"  The "she" in the question 
> could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard 
> thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you 
> just saw.  In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
> prettier."  Wrong answers include:
>  a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
>  b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
>  c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
>  d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
>  e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your 
>       insurance policy.
>  
>
>  5 -  "What would you do if I died?"  Correct answer:  "Dearest love, 
> in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have 
> meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front 
> tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."  This 
> might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the 
> following stupid joke:
>  
>  "Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"
>  "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.  "Why 
>   do you ask such a question?"
>  "Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife.
>  "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
>  "Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
>  "Of course I do, dear" he said.
>  "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
>  "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
>  "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
>  "Yes" said the husband.
>  After a long pause, "...Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>  "Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.
>  "I see," said the wife indignantly.  "And would you let her wear my 
>   old clothes?"
>  "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
>  "Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the 
>   pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
>  "Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."
>  "Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I suppose 
>   you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
>  "Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She's left-handed."