From: "Throckmorton" Subject: Stirring Date: Sat, 4 Aug 2001 18:45:22 +0930 Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires. 1.[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_] Other First Name: ..................................................... Initial: ........ Last Name...................................................... Password: .............................. (max. 8 char) Code Name: ...................................................... Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... 2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? [_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_] Classified 3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... /....... /...... 4. Serial Number: ............................................... 5. Please check where this product was purchased: [_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified 6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one 7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / manoeuvrability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat 8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used: [_] North America [_] Iraq [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq [_] Reunion 9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future: [_] Colour TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon 10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Check all that apply:) [_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal 11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product? [_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveller's check 12. Your occupation: [_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Middle management [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defence Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student [_] French speaking Architect with gammy leg 13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Running / guns [_] Propaganda / misinformation [_] Destabilisation / overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Architecture [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wasting time on CAD forums [_] Wines [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Writing to Australians (especially ones who play Catsplat) [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes! Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace Division IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified tolearn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes and add some nutmeg and egg whites. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing. ------ Forwarded Message Date: Thu, 16 Aug 2001 10:02:01 -0500 [ updated from version seen 2002.jan.17 ] From: "jmiddleton@houston.rr.com" ---- fwd ---- Subject: Questionnaire GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions: 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people __ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices __ Plays dice with the universe 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply: __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like organ music __ Need to feel morally superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Stuff was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply: __ Baal __ Cthulhu __ The Almighty Dollar __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Mushrooms __ Beelzebub __ Bill Gates __ Lottery __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ The Moon __ Elvis __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply: __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Crystals __ Star Trek reruns __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Alcohol __ Television __ Bill Clinton __ Amway __ Insurance policies __ America Online __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Wandering around a desert __ Human Sacrifice __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other:_____________________ 7. God attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 Spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOLers 1 2 3 4 5 the current president 1 2 3 4 5 my last relationship b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 clear and competent statements by the President 8. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (circle one) a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. It doesn't matter, the Rapture is imminent .. isn't it? 9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent): 1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy 1 2 3 4 5 answers to your prayers 1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met? 1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing? 10. From time to time God makes available the names and addresses of His followers and devotees to selected divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings? __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money 11. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)