1996.Sep  [slightly edited]

The New Priest
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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he stays calm.  The monsignor
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I
put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He
proceeded to talk up a storm.  Upon return to his office after mass, he
found the following note on his door:

 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
 2. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
 3. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
 5. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not bet his ass.
 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late J.C."
 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to 
    as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Holy Spook".
 8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
    don't say he was stoned off his ass.
 9. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"!
10. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said "Take
    this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."
11. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
12. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.
    Peter's,  not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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