2001.apr.02

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the
hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 

8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example. 

10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you
have their shoes.

12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish
and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all afternoon.

14. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 

18. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time. 

21. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 

24. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

28. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.






God was my copilot. Then we crashed into a mountain and I had to eat him.




Date: Thu, 15 Feb 2001 08:25:37 -0600

>Some of these are pretty funny. (Warning x rated language used)

>27 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK
>
>1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
>3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
>4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
>5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
>public.
>6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
>7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
>20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
>9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
>10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
>subject.
>11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
>12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
>13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
>14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
>15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
>17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
>view.
>18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
>19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
>21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
>22. You sound reasonable ... time to up my medication.
>23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
>24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
>25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
>26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
>
>
>Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days
>1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
>2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
>3. Do I look like a fucking people person?
>4. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
>6. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
>7. You! Off my planet!!
>8. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
>9. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
>11. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
>14. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
>15. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
>16. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
 a penny saved is ridiculous

Vegetables aren't food -- they're what food eats.

"There are only 10 kinds of people in the world --
   Those who understand binary, and those who don't."


Between two evils, always pick the one you haven't tried.

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge; others just gargle.



Article: 4435 of rec.humor.funny.reruns
Subject: Smart Comments
From: kht@mactao.demon.nl (MacEddie)
Keywords: chuckle, swearing, forwarded, originally appeared in Jun, 1999

Try using these some time.......

 5) I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don't give a damn.
 8) I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
 9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
22) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm
    really quite busy.
23) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.