>
>               The 9 Types of Boyfriends
>                 by Matt Groenig[?]
>
>Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
>Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
>Snugglepup
>Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
>Disadvantages:  Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
>
>Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay
>home and watch TV."
>Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover,
>Jerk
>Advantages:  Stays put; predictable
>Disadvantages:  Royal pain in the ass
>
>Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
>Also known as:  Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
>Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
>Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
>
>Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
>Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
>Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
>Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
>
>Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
>Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
>Advantages: Well rested; easy target
>Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
>
>The Sneak - "Who, me?"
>Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
>Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
>Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
>
>Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels,
>OK?"
>Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
>Advantages: Perpetually aroused
>Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
>
>The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous.  I don't know how,
>but--"
>Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
>Advantages: Tells good stories
>Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
>
>Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
>weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
>Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
>Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
>Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
>
>
>                       The 9 Types of Girlfriends
>                          by Matt Groenig[?]
>
>Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't
>  have!"
>Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat
>Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
>Disadvantages: May wise up someday
>
>Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
>  bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
>Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
>Advantages: Pays attention to you
>Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
>
>Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
>Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
>Advantages: Predictable
>Disadvantages: Contagious
>
>The Bosser - "Stand up straight.  Put on a different tie.  Get a haircut.
>  Change your job.  Make some money. Don't give me that look."
>Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes
>  Mom
>Advantages: Often right
>Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
>
>Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide.  Should I switch my career,
>  goals, home, and hair color?"
>Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
>Advantages: Easily soothed
>Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
>
>Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
>  onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
>Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out
>Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
>Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
>
>Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
>  at."
>Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition,
>  Iceberg, Snarly
>Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
>Disadvantages: You will have no friends
>
>Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
>  about our relationship."
>Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
>Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
>Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
>
>Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
>  handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels
>  now!"
>Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
>Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited
>Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you