(Message inbox:7651)
Return-Path: cline@cse.ucsc.edu
Received: from hula.cse.ucsc.edu (hula.cse.ucsc.edu [128.114.24.103]) by cs.rice.edu (8.8.5/8.7.1) with SMTP id SAA13467 for <ian@cs.rice.edu>; Thu, 27 Mar 1997 18:22:07 -0600 (CST)
Received: (from cline@localhost) by hula.cse.ucsc.edu (8.6.10/8.6.9) id EAA01193; Fri, 28 Mar 1997 04:56:15 -0800
From: "Melissa Cline" <cline@cse.ucsc.edu>
Message-Id: <9703280456.ZM1191@hula.cse.ucsc.edu>
Date: Fri, 28 Mar 1997 04:56:13 -0800
X-Mailer: Z-Mail (3.2.1 6apr95 MediaMail)
To: dkulp@cse.ucsc.edu, sencan@locus.com, ian@cs.rice.edu, giza@aolnorth.com,
        ArosaCline@aol.com, jgarcia@cse.ucsc.edu
Subject: How to install software, by Dave Barry
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii


> "How To Install Software -- A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry
>
>     1.  Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed
>         box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run
>         the software.
>
>         It should look something like this:
>
>         SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
>         2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
>         628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
>         719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
>         3546 MB RAM
>         432323 MB ROM
>         05948737 MB RPM
>         ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
>         2 TURTLE DOVES
>
>         NOTE:  This software will not work on your computer.
>
>     2.  Open the software packaging and remove the manual.  This will
>         contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and
>         troubleshooting the software.  Throw it away.
>
>     3.  Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either
>         a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
>         envelope that says:
>
>         LICENSING AGREEMENT:
>
>         By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by
>         all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that
>         nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.
>         Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent
>         Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions,
>         real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary
>         and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home
>         and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's
>         underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until
>         death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early
>         light, ... finders keepers, losers weepers, ...
>
>     4.  Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name
>         of child), please install this on my computer."
>
>     5.  If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in
>         the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
>
>     6.  Turn the computer on, you idiot.
>
>     7.  Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
>
>     8.  You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after
>         which the following message should appear on your screen:
>
>         The Installation Program will now examine your system to see
>         what would be the best way to render it inoperable.  Is it OK
>         with you?  Choose one, and be honest:
>                          +-------+     +--------+
>                          |  YES  |     |  SURE  |
>                          +-------+     +--------+
>
>     9.  After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and
>         whirring for a very long time while the installation program
>         does who knows what in there.  Some installation programs can
>         actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done,
>         your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device,
>         such as a food processor.
>
>         At the very least, the installation program will create many
>         new directories, sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on
>         your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious
>         files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha.."
>
>     10.  When the installation program is finished, your screen should
>          display the following message:
>
>          CONGRATULATIONS
>
>         The installation program cannot think of anything else to do
>         to your computer and has grown bored.  You may now attempt to
>         run your software.  If you experience any problems, electrical
>         shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or
>         intestinal parasites, you should immediately
>         *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&
>
>     11.  At this point your computer system should become less
>          functional than the federal government, refusing to respond
>          even when struck with furniture.
>
>     12.  Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package
>          and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to
>          you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child age
>          3 through 12.
>
>