'Tis the Season
| Published 11/19/04

Graphic by: Ande Hearn

The holiday season is finally upon us. Yes, the time of year devoted to tricking, treating, eating, giving and celebrating. Most folks can agree that it's one of the most joyful times of the year -- unless you happen to wander into a shopping mall or check your credit card bills. I sometimes wonder why "the most wonderful time of the year" ends up being pure hell for most. So I've decided to do some investigating into the truth behind the holiday madness.

This year's holiday line up started with the one day a year that will keep dentists in business for millennia to come -- Halloween. This is a perfect example of a day of celebration gone horribly wrong. It was originally meant as a celebration for all those who have passed before us or, in other words, dead people. The celebration has, over the years, turned from a sweet memorial to the after life into the madness we currently cherish. In my opinion, getting a bunch of kids sugar high and sending them around town scaring people into giving them candy just isn't the kind of moral values we want to impose on our youth. By all means, I love the holiday. But just think. Today it's scaring old people for candy and tomorrow crack rocks. You ask any crack head where he learned to feed the monkey, and I guarantee it's "Trick or Treat."

Next on the all star line-up is Thanksgiving. This holiday also had humble roots, starting with a great feast between the white men and Native Americans, a feast of peace and thanks. Besides the fact that we killed them and took their land afterwards, it was such a nice dinner that we celebrate it to this day -- though I imagine the Native Americans might still be a little angry. So, in the tradition of trickery and pillaging, we invite all of our relatives and loved ones over to eat the night away. It's still my favorite holiday to this day, because one night of cooking seems to provide turkey lunches for weeks to come. So until some other ruthless civilization comes by and cons us out of our land, let's raise a toast to love and fellowship.

Here's the one you've all been waiting for, the Mac daddy of all holidays, Hanukkah. Or is it Kwanzaa? Oh no, the ultimate holiday that makes most parents cringe and wave goodbye to their money and sanity, Christmas. I was walking by Wal-Mart on Halloween (see paragraph 1 for details) and expected to see some nice bats, skeletons, perhaps even a haunted house. All I could see from end to end was the joy of Christmas - inflatable trees, fake trees, wrapping paper, lawn ornaments and life-sized talking Santa Clauses.

Since when did all the other holidays lose their rights? Christmas has been bullying the other holidays around for far too long, and I'm not going to take it any longer. Thanksgiving isn't even its own holiday anymore, just Christmas Part 1. How did a holiday dedicated to the birth of Jesus turn into the day of the credit card? Suddenly buying presents for people you never see or don't really like or perhaps haven't even met is a social norm.

Don't get me wrong, charity and giving love are two of the most profound and selfless things a person can do -- but not when they're forced to.

So I say we rise up and take down the overbearing tyrant of a holiday. Me and Thanksgiving will sneak into Christmas' headquarters over night and rough him up a bit while Halloween re-instates the long lost Halloween 2 celebration, which will be dedicated to having kids do manual labor for candy, thus curing the impending crack addictions. Once Christmas has had enough, we'll dangle him over the edge of a building by his ankles and make him promise to stay within his allotted time slot. Then we might head on over to Kwanzaa and Hanukkah's place and celebrate our victory. That's how it should be; every holiday should have equal time to let the season embrace them; it's not like they come around every day.

You may be thinking that I've left out our good friend New Years. But no, I saved the best for last. New Years is, in fact, the only good old honest holiday out there. We don't start buying New Years crap two months in advance or try to stretch it out to celebrate it longer. It simply comes as quickly as it goes. It's also the only holiday that we've consistently celebrated the same way for ages. So let's grab something alcoholic and a loved one (if only for that minute) and bring in the new year. Even if we're a bunch of candy-demanding, native-slaughtering, holiday bandits, we can still drink the night away like the good old days.