Jessica Simpson: Chicken of the Sea
or Genius Extraordinaire?
| Published 09/17/04

Graphic by: Tim Tuley

What do you think when you hear the name "Jessica Simpson"? First, many of us may think of the reality show "Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica," which stars Simpson and her husband Nick Lachey. We may follow that thought up with a snicker, because we're reminded of some of the infamous and idiotic things that fly out of Jessica's mouth every episode. But maybe there's more behind that highlighted blonde exterior. Maybe lurking inside is a street-smart guru who is itching to share her knowledge with us.

Perhaps there is something that the Chicken of the Sea Queen can teach us yet.

Lesson 1: "Rigor who?"

When Nick tells her about the dead mouse he found that was stiff with rigor mortis, Jessica shows us the use of the phrase "You learn something new every day." Now, you and I may find this ignorance subject to snickering, but maybe we're missing the point. Perhaps innocent young Jessica was never exposed to the pains of death; therefore, she never learned the proper terminology. So to shield herself further, she asks no more about this curious business of rigor mortis and instead asks, "Why were there mouses?" Obviously she has far more important questions on her mind. 

Lesson 2: "Well, 23 is old! It's almost 25, which is almost mid-twenties."

The poor dear was probably so moved by the issue of rigor mortis and the dead mouse that she began pondering her own demise. After all, bodyguards can only do so much.

Lesson 3: "Don't make fun of me!"

Jessica shows that celebrities have feelings too, makes a stand against the cruel and unjust teasing, and then signs up for season number two. That's showing 'em!

Lesson 4: "My boob gets in the way."

Though she can elude the paparazzi, Jessica learns that there is no escape from anatomy.  Not everyone can understand the emotional strain that boobs can cause. Jessica tries to explain it to us in the simplest way possible. No one would believe that being beautiful is a strenuous and painful effort...but as for boobs getting in the way? Yeah, we can believe that.

Lesson 5: "No thanks.  I don't eat buffalo."

The empathetic Jessica turns down an offer of Buffalo wings with the poor beasts' rights in mind. It's probably a good thing that she didn't worry herself further about how exactly they would remove the wings. Messy business, I hear. 

We may underestimate her, but it is clear that in that feverish brain there is a library of vast intellect - so broad that it is impossible for the average person to understand. It is obvious that we still have a lot to learn from Miss Simpson - that is, until Miss Spears gets her own reality show.