Practical Gift-Giving
| Published 12/10/04

Graphic by: Tim Tuley

It's that time again. The Mack daddy of all holidays is finally upon us or drawing dangerously close depending on when you're actually reading this. It's a time when you've got to make the most important decision of the year: what to buy people you never see? This may seem like a terribly strange concept, but think about it. When is the last time you saw your second-cousin thrice-removed on your great Aunt Veronica's side of the family? Yet we are still expected to give gifts, because that apparently means that you love and are thinking of these strangers.

I always get tripped up around the holidays, and year after year my mom bails me out of inexplicable embarrassment. The holiday season has rolled around once again, and I haven't bought anything for my grandmother's long-lost twin brother, who is now a lace wearing transvestite. Fumbling through my pockets to find a stick of gum or something I can wrap up and give for the holidays, I start to panic. Suddenly my mother bursts out of nowhere, like Superman, to come save the day and slips me the pre-wrapped gift and sentimentally written card, missing only my John Hancock.

It's a phenomenon that I'm at a loss for words to explain. It always comes back to bite me in the butt when that particular relative asks me years later where I bought the aforementioned gift. I skillfully reply with a series of incoherent mumbles and quickly scurry off, all the while raving about the coming rapture. This usually halts any further questions, conversation, or eye contact for the remainder of the holiday season.

Though this system has served me well year after year, I'm finally realizing that perhaps they are doing the exact same for me. How else would they have known to buy me five carabineers and a helmet?

So to put an end to all this Christmas nonsense, I've decided to make a Christmas list of my own for all to see. Since you've all been pre-conditioned to automatically buy people you don't know gifts for the holidays, I have no reservations in entitling this list: "Grants' holiday list of Demands" (listed in order of importance and awesomeness).

1. A personal Sherpa. Yes, the mountain dwelling people of Tibet who have been the backbone of Himalayan expeditions for centuries would be more than happy to take a break from hauling 60lb bags of flour up an icy hill to work as my personal assistant here at RU. He'd be given all of my heavy loads, 6-7 pens, 10-15 lbs of textbook and perhaps even a water bottle. I'd lead him on many icy treks across Moffett quad in January in desperate search of my Psychology class. We'd conquer the snow covered hell hole that is Mt. Jefferson Street, and after weeks of training would go on to free climb Muse hall. Excellent accessories to go along with this gift would be a team or Yaks or donkeys, a flag of conquest to plant atop Muse and a 60lb bag of flour (to keep my Sherpa from going soft on me).

2. A Pony. Just because. Every little kid wants a pony and rarely do their parents/ Santa actually come through. So it's high time I got my pony. Though if it's the same one I asked for way back when, he's probably pretty old and not going to do much, but it's the principle of the thing.

3. 10,000 Plastic balls. You know you always wanted your very own plastic ball pit. Ever since I first set foot in Chuck-E-Cheese, I knew that some day a large plastic ball pit would be mine. I figure 10,000 is a pretty good number, because reminiscent of a tampon commercial: some days are light ball days, and some days are heavy ball days. So I figure between 1 and 10,000 is a good range for whatever mood I'm in. What would I do with such a pit? Anything I please. I could sleep in them, watch TV or wrestle Swedish swimsuit models -- really whatever comes to mind. I'd just have a ball (chuckling to myself). I might even have a few parties. This way everybody could play with my balls at once, and who could resist an offer like that? In the immortal word of AC/DC "Some balls are held for charity and some for fancy dress, but when they're held for pleasure they're balls that I like best. My balls are always bouncing to the left, and to the right. It's my belief that my big balls should be held every night."

4. A bling-board. I love skateboarding, and have always preferred it as my main source of transportation. These days I've been hearing about all these millionaire musicians and movie stars, driving all kinds of expensive cars with only one thing in common: bling-bling. No matter if it's a Hummer or a Ferrari, it's bling-tastic. Since my current ride looks less like Nelly's ride and more like Ted Nugent's, for Christmas I'm demanding a new board that would even make P-Diddy say "Damn G, where'd you get them pimp ass ride, playa?" To which I'd cordially reply, "You know I roll tight whips." This board would truly be a sight to behold. Obviously, I'd start with a solid redwood deck from the giant redwoods of California. I'd have it inlaid with a mural of Jenna Jameson in diamonds, perhaps with ruby nipples -- depending upon availability. I'd only use miniature versions of formula 1 racing tires for wheels and I'd probably go with the chrome rims that keep spinning when I stop. Somehow I'd have to install two 10' inch subwoofers and a plasma screen TV, because if I can't play my Xbox while I'm cruising, ther's just no point. I would only take this board out on the weekends and would be as loud and obnoxious as I could while operating this fine piece of craftsmanship.

So at long last there it is, my demands for 2004. I'll expect them on my front doorstep Christmas day in plain unmarked packages. So I hope you all have a happy holiday and a fantastic New Year. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go prepare the stable for my pony.

Something to think about for the holidays: what if terrorists made a special demands list for the holidays as well? "We demand 1,000,000 in un-marked bills, 3 helicopters, Saddam Hussein, and that you have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year." As much as you'd want to hate them, don't you think you'd have to applaud their embrace of the holiday season? I know I would.