Dentist Office Soundtrack
| Published 10/08/04

Graphic by: Ande Hearn

You brush twice a day, floss and use mouthwash; yet, you still have to go to the dentist twice a year, just like everyone else.

Not only will you go like everyone else, but chances are you will also hate it just like everyone else. Why does everyone hate it, though? After all, they just scrape your teeth a little. As long as you are keeping up with your brushing habits, you probably won't have cavities, which is where the fear of the dentist stems from.

While you're sitting there waiting patiently for your name to be called, you might pick up a magazine. The magazine selection tends to be pretty lame, containing only specialty magazines that are usually about three-years-old. Honestly, who reads "Parasailing Monthly"?

After a while, you start to notice the faint hum of music coming from the overhead speakers which, incidentally, look like the speakers elementary school principals use to give morning announcements. Song after song of wonderful soft rock engages your ears. I'd like to honor those songs, which have become synonymous with visits to the dentist, with this list.

"Africa" by Toto

When you talk about wuss-rock, this is the very definition of wuss-rock. It's so watered down it's like eating a snow cone without any flavoring on it. However, you continue to eat that snow cone, because it's hot out and you figure you might as well. "There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do," he croons in a way that even your mother can get down to.

"Broken Wings" by Mr. Mister

This is another wuss-rock classic coming from the same place as Toto (Los Angeles, Calif.). Isn't that place supposed to be the epitome of cool? Honestly, I think this song and "Africa" are the same song. They both come from the inspiration of having a very inane existence. When these songs play, they permeate the walls, and it's like they don't exist at all.

"Diamonds and Pearls" by Prince

Yes, even His Purple-ness has made his way into the dentist's office. Prince had been without the Revolution for quite some time and had recently formed "The New Power Generation" when this song came out. Certainly this is not as solid a song as other Prince greats like "When Doves Cry" or "U Got the Look," but it is still Prince. The melody is immediately recognizable, and the honesty of the chorus "I'll give you diamonds and pearls" makes the dentist office a little more enjoyable.

"Anything" by Tears for Fears

I suppose "Tears for Fears" are synonymous with "the 80s," but their songs make the dentist's office what it is. You can pretty much guarantee you will hear "Head over Heels," "Shout" or "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" at least once at every trip to the dentist. Also, Tears for Fears wins the award for worst (or best -- depending on how you look at it) rock star name ever, with one of the members being named Roland Orzabal.

Tie between "Lucky Star" and "Borderline" by Madonna.

The Material Girl can definitely scream cheese-whiz pop at times that help you forget you are about to have your teeth scraped, and these two songs are a prime example of that. Madonna had not quite gained the image that she would eventually get as the 80s and early 90s wore on, but with "Lucky Star" and "Borderline," she perfected pop music. Those synthesizers and drum beats show up as easily at the dentist as they do at any Bar Mitzvah or wedding.