I've Worked Too Hard to Have to Be "Cool."
| Published 11/19/04

Graphic by: Zoe Brown

Once upon a time, about a billion years ago, I remember the first time I REALLY wanted "to fit in." I was in middle school at the time, an awkward kid who wrote poetry all over his book covers and wore hiking boots to school everyday. I wanted desperately to be a part of this group of thirteen-year-old kids with ripped jeans and long hair.

Why? I have no idea. I knew that I was deep into the same music that adorned their clothes and book bags, and I just knew these kids would accept me if I could communicate, "Hey, we have similar interests!" But how do you do that? About a year later, half of them had been expelled from middle school for drug possession. This is when I asked myself why did I want to be a part of that. I guess it was just this great desire that I had to find connection.

Now that I look back and remember going through high school with those kids; the trends changed and so did they. I always had a sort of resentment towards them for being fad-followers. It's punk to hate it when punks go "un-punk". It's what is known as "selling out." Now we get to the part where I start talking about myself.

Early in high school I got deeply involved in the gothic/industrial scene. And no, I am not talking about the Marilyn Manson/Nine Inch Nails scene, I'm talking about the elitist kids who even hated those kids for being "popular." And with my Sisters of Mercy shirts, Doc Martens up to my groin and spiked collars, it was interesting that I was the only Goth kid in high school and that I was labeled an "outcast." I always thought that this was particularly funny, because I knew everyone in the school and was friends with so many people -- not your stereotypical "shoot up the school Goth kid." I had friends that were punks, jocks, preps, artists, cheerleaders, and on and on. So, why was I labeled an "outcast?"

I was even quoted in my senior year book as saying, "No one is different, everyone wants to fit in, we all just have different counter-cultures we want to fit in with." This was a completely radical thought and probably got me in some conflict with some of the people I went to school with. But it's true! At that age we desperately want to fit in anyway we can, for me it was easy to be Goth. I had the music and culture down. I had around seven albums (as I have been in several bands throughout the years) under my studded belt; I didn't play sports and I was (and am) conveniently color blind.

Then, after several years in college, I finally "sold out" -- meaning I realized it takes a lot time to stick all five inches of my hair straight up in the air, lace up those million-eyes Docs and put on all that metal jewelry! And once it's all on, IT'S REALLY NOT COMFORTABLE.

Once coming to this realization, you must ask yourself, "Is this really me?" No. It's self-made manifestation of who you think you are, and a visual way to connect people similar to you while running away those people who aren't (sounds kind of closed minded doesn't it?). So, slowly but surely the jewelry fell off and the boots got shorter until they became flip-flop or bare feet. I still love my Sisters of Mercy shirt.

One of the most interesting things that I have noticed in this process is that all the Goth/industrial bands that I have been friends with and played shows with over the years DON'T wear the same things they were onstage to Wal-Mart! I now look back at all of the Goth kids I see walking in the city and see myself, and I think, "One day they will understand that it's all musical theater." Until then they will just purposefully make themselves uncomfortable trying to fit in by "not fitting in."

The point is that 40 records later (and still going), hundreds of classes, a bachelor's degree in business, fifty jobs, the music is still awesome as it was on day one, but I have worked to hard to have to try to impress people anymore. I have worked to hard to have to be "cool." This article does not reflect any one counter-culture either; they are all the same and exist for the same purpose, to connect people, which can't be all that bad. We need a little connection. It's just a shame that we can't truly be ourselves until we are in our mid-20's and aren't obsessed by the way people look on the outside. And it's REALLY sad that some people will NEVER become themselves, and will forever judge those who do not look like them.