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Girlfriend Applications
Recently it has dawned on me that I'm good at relationships - exceptionally good. So good in fact that there are times when I am in high demand. These times can get ugly. They usually do not result in a Jello-wrestling battle royale, so you know it's the bad kind of ugly. However, I don't really enjoy dating. This is because I can become quite nervous in the process of trying to put my best foot forward, and I was never really good at marketing anything, especially myself. Most of the time, I think, "What would make a good impression?" My brain responds, "Let's do something outlandishly stupid." This does not even work as well as one would think. Therefore, I have a solution to the problem, and that is that potential girlfriends must submit an application at the time of a vacancy in that position. This way I don't have to date or take time out to dig for someone to show me their personality. It's already done for me. The girl is gratified because this sort of thing will give her the feeling that she is on the hunt and gives her that feeling of eustress that comes with dating. Of all my ideas, including the one where I claimed I would distill cocaine from badgers, this is the best. So, without further adieu: Application for the Position of Phil's Girlfriend Section I: The Physical 1) Name: 2) Sex: F M pretending to be F 3) Age: 4) Height: 5) Weight: 6) Night Time Phone #: 7) Would you describe yourself as more "hot" or "cute"? * Please feel free to enclose a Photograph if you feel that it would enhance your chances of attaining this position. Section II: The Mental and Emotional 1) Please describe your strengths as a girlfriend in the section below: ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ 2) Please describe your weaknesses as a girlfriend in the section below: ________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________ 3) Do you have any prior history of mental illness? Yes/No
4) If Yes, please use the space below to explain: ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ 5) Please check with an X which of the following in a physical relationship you find gratifying to engage in. If you only feel that these are gratifying to recieve and not give, please use a V instead of an X: Hugging Cuddling Holding Hands Kissing Caressing Head Rubbing Back Rubbing Foot Rubbing Intimate Activity 6) Does your heart swell with joy more at the idea of me as your boyfriend or at the thought of a new zombie movie? Phil/Zombies
7) Do you nag or break down more? nag/break down
8) Please use the section below to describe exactly how awesome the Pope is: ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ Section III: Prior Experience 1) Do you currently have a boyfriend? yes/no 2) If yes, may we contact him as a reference? yes/no 3) If yes, may we tell him that he may have to find a new girlfriend? yes/no 4) If yes, is he capable of beating me up? yes/no 5) Please make a list of your prior relationships, starting with your most recent (or current) and going back. Only provide the three most recent relationships. One night-stands do count.
Boyfriend's Name:
Boyfriend's Name:
Boyfriend's Name: Section IV: Interaction and Expectations: 1) When would you expect that more than $100 be spent on you in a single night? ________________
2) What conditions do you place on any sort of physical intimacy? _____________________________ 3) Please use the space provided below to describe an ideal date: ________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ 4) Please use the space provided below to describe an ideal time spent together but not on a date night: _______________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ 5) Do you drink? yes/no
6) Do you smoke? yes/no
7) Do you get into fist fights with girls that you will expect me to back you up on? yes/no
8) Have you ever or do you think you might ever throw(n) a brick at a someone you love(d)?
9) In the space provided below, please describe why you think I would make a good boyfriend for you: ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ 10) In the space provided below, please describe why you think you would make a good girlfriend for me: ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ ________________________________________________ Section V: Odds and Ends 1) How long are you looking for this relationship to last? __________________________ 2) Do you think I'm a big, fat, arrogant jerk for even thinking this will work? yes/no
3) Are you pescatarian/vegetarian/vegan? yes/no
4) How often do you shower? ____________________
5) How often do you shave your armpits/legs? Armpits: __________ Legs: _____________ This concludes the Girlfriend Application for Phil Hunnicutt. Please allow 4-6 weeks for a response from Phil or his team. Thank you. See, this idea is genius. Not only is my application available, but it's also hosted online in the form of an article explaining why it exists. I think that this is the future of dating, just like at one point, lengthy applications that were frustrating and intimidating became the future of HR departments.
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Name: Brandon |
