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Conan the Californian: Part 3 "Simmer down Spears," Conan laughs, "you are spooking my horse." "This is no time to be laughing, Californian. There are those who would not see you succeed in your journey." Conan looks perplexed. "Whoever they are I do not see them. Your worrying bores me, and besides." The Californian jumps down off his horse causing the weathered boards beneath to creak unhappily. He unsheathes his broadsword with a grand gesture and points it skyward. "It is I who am Conan the Californian!" His yelling echoes off the warehouses along the dock and carries off over the darkened water of the ocean. "Quiet you oaf," Britney whispers, "we're trying to leave quietly!" "Let them hear!" Conan scoffs loudly. "Let them hear the voice from my massively masculine lungs. I will reach the far foreign shore and vanquish the defilers in The Money's name, so screams the Gubernator." "Um, pardon me?" Conan and Britney whirl around to the sound of the voice. The Californian assumes the whack-a-mole fighting stance of his ancestors, heaving his sword anxiously. Spears takes on a catlike crouch brandishing two of her aluminum fighting cans. They round a figure wearing all black and looking at them quizzically. Over the din of the ocean roar a boat horn can be heard. "That's our ride, Californian." Britney says under her breath. "We must leave now." "State your business, dark clothes," Conan says, pointing his sword at the figure now. "We are in a hurry and it is you who are slowing us down!" "Do not worry Gubernator, we require only a moment of your time. You're looking well Britney." Spears steps forward. "I know that voice...Can it be! Justin?" "Yes, my love!" Justin Timberlake pulls off his mask and smiles that metro-grin that has smitten adolescent boys and girls everywhere. "I was told to intercept the Gubernator before he left these shores and imagine my surprise at finding you here." Timberlake takes a few steps forward, hands extended to Britney in a motion of beckoning. "And now I can take you and deal with the Californian all at once. I serve a new master now Britney, one more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Come, and together we can vanquish Conan and live out our pop stardom together as was intended." Britney relaxes her stance and shakes her head. "You still donít get it do you, Justin? I used you, and the Profits used you. You were nothing more than a demographic tool." "LIAR!" Justin screams out in a voice that some might call masculine. "I know you love me. How couldn't you? I'm me, and you love me! I know you do. Me, me, me, me, ME! Look at my abs!" Justin raises his shirt and Conan moves between him and Britney. "Your wiles will not work on a Profit, pretty girly man, and you call those abs?" With a sound like rocks breaking mixed with a thunderclap, the Gubernator flexes his abdominal muscles until six fleshy mountains erupt from his stomach. Justin Timberlake looses his trembling hand and lets his shirt fall. He stumbles backward and falls over at the sight of Conanís massive physique. "Go back to your twig boys and new master, diva." Conan says with a sneer. "You are not fit to run with the big dogs. You should have stayed on the porch." Justin gets up brushing himself off with a pout. "Says you, Californian! Maybe I'm not enough of a man for you, but don't think for a moment that I came alone." All is silent. Justin stands across from Conan and Britney. A smile forming on his lips then with a walk that screams months of choreography he begins to stride forward.
The beat starts: One, two, three snaps and they all point to the ocean where a water spout heralds the arrival of Lance who shoots out of the water like some merman or salmon. He lands on the dock, flipping and floundering for a moment with his band mates pointing, then he jumps up and falls into formation as they continue forward. Britney backs up. "This is bad, Californian. They've worked out a new number." The four continue forward, step, step, turn. They move with swinging arms and hips, all eyes trained on Britney and Conan. Conan raises his sword a little higher, the anticipation rising off him in a steam. Britney reassumes her stance. And without warning the four prefabs stop and point skyward with a disco shot. Or more appropriately point to the top of a warehouse where Chris is standing silhouetted against the full moon. He jumps off the roof sending his body into a complex series of twists and spins, his band mates forming a diamond and pirouetting around his landing place. Then Chris finishes his spin and hits the pier. Landing flatly on his back with a loud crack abruptly waking a group of seagulls and sending them noisily flapping away. The beat stops. "Oh Jesus, Chris!" JC screams, he kneels down and lifts Chris' head to his chest with a sound of popping bubble wrap. Chris gurgles. "Stop...Josh...hurts...bend...argh!" JC squeaks and drops Chris' head with a thump and more bubble wrap. They crowd around him with the apprehensive gasps of little girls. All save for Justin who turns a look of venom on the waiting Conan and Britney. "You're good, oh yes. Very good. But don't think you've seen the last of us. You just wait! We're RICH! We'll buy Chris a new spine and we'll be back and ready for a reunion tour with all new old beats and choreography." Conan looks at Justin Timberlake, looks at his sword, and then looks back to Justin Timberlake. "I can't let that happen." Conan begins closing on Justin before Britney's hand on his shoulder stops his progression. "No Conan, we must make haste! The ship is waiting and weíve dallied here too long already." "But I must Britney, he threatened me with new music and this is one thing that I cannot endure!" "No Californian." Britney says looking over her shoulder at Justin Timberlake. "He's not worth it." Justin starts crying. Reluctantly, Conan sheathes his broadsword and remounts his horse. Without another backward glance they walk down the pier away from the prefab five. Already forgotten in the now of Californian thought. They walk towards a darkened ship that sounds its horn again at their approach. Little do they know, another figure watches their departure from the shadowed rooftops. He smiles and chuckles to himself. "All according to plan." He then turns and with a gesture opens a hole in the ether. He then walks into the hole and it closes leaving only the smell of ozone with no one to notice, save for the blithering pawns below. "You smell something?" Justin asks looking towards the roof. JC looks up. Lance looks up. Joey looks up. Chris looks up. SNAP! "Oh Jesus, Chris!" JC moans. What could this development mean for Conan? Who is the dark figure watching from on high and will this story ever go anywhere? SO ENDS THE THIRD CHAPTER OF CONAN THE CALIFORNIAN TUNE IN NEXT SEMESTER FOR THE CONITUNING SAGA!
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