10 Ways to Alleviate Holiday Stress Phil Hunnicutt | Staff Writer
| Published 12/12/03
Graphic By: Baudi Ratcliffe-Hollins
1) Don't spend too much time concentrating on other people's presents.
In all honesty, there are probably only 5-10 people in your life that
are going to care what you get them. For most other people, it really is
the thought that counts. Since it really is the thought that counts, buy
all of these people new toilet plungers, and you will have time to
concentrate on the superficial jerks.
2) Don't overextend yourself. Most people freak out during the holiday
season, because they do too much stuff. Do you want to nip this stress
in the bud? Don't do that much stuff! Only go to one party this year.
First drink enough egg nog to kill a moose, and eat enough mint cookies
to do the same. Vomit on the host's carpet. This will keep you from
getting invited to parties until your mid-30s. It's a great way to
reduce stress.
3) Become a militant atheist. If you are against everything that the
holiday season stands for, you don't have to buy anyone presents. The
pressure is on them whether or not to get you presents. This is a total
win-win situation.
4) Find a time machine. Who cares if the holidays are upon us? What if
you did your shopping in April ... of 1883?! Not only will you have
totally eliminated the stress of the season, but thanks to reverse
inflation, all your shopping needs will cost about $7.
5) Create stress for others. Passing the buck is a great way to
eliminate stress. When others go shopping, just say "Oh! While you're
out, can you get me...?" Evil plans like this always work out well. You
can laugh as your friends are fuming, and you're having a margarita.
6) Winterize your car. There is a lot of pent up stress that comes from
knowing that you haven't winterized your car. Also as you may remember
the last time that I suggested you do so, chicks dig responsible car
maintenance. You didn't do it last time, and what happened with the
first snow of the year? You didn't get any women. Please, winterize your
car now. You can thank me later.
7) Watch your favorite Christmas movie. My favorite is "Die Hard." While
everyone else is freaking out about what to get their aunt Ethel, I'm
not all that concerned, because I can remember when Bruce Willis had to
walk across broken glass. All things relative, a gift is nothing
compared to deep gashes in your feet.
8) Shoot all your friends and family. They are the ones causing all the
stress, and so they should pay the price. Make sure you exact swift and
just revenge. You'll feel better.
9) Actually, scratch that last one. Just nuke the whole planet. This
gets rid of all the people and all the objects. It's just you and some
desert at this point.
10) Nuke the planet again. Sand in your underwear is stressful. Why live
in a desert when glass is much easier to deal with?
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Phil Hunnicutt is a Criminal Justice Major at Radford University. His current class standing is "senior". He is very grateful for his ham sandwich!
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