Contributing
Writer
Dr. Justin
Askins
 |
Fat Police
| Published 10/17/03
Graphic By: Baudi Ratcliffe-Hollins
It would have a direct impact on millions of people, and in an incredibly beneficial way. æI would be saving lives and saving billions of dollars for our beloved country. æYou may be wondering what this position might be, and I'll tell you. æI am applying to be the first Commissioner of the National Fat Police. æSome of you might think I'm not being serious„and certainly not politically correct--but the position is just a few tobacco-company-style lawsuits away.
Just look at my qualifications. æI occasionally pull over litterers and chastise them for throwing entire bags of McDonald's garbage out the window. æI also have savaged hikers who bring transistor radios with them to places like McAfee's Knob. æI have complained successfully about American Electric Power and their privacy invading security lights, actually forcing them to shield one of their glaring lights from shining into my bedroom window when I was living in an A-frame in Ironto. æSo you can see that although technically I have no law enforcement credentials, I certainly have experience.
I can see myself now, entering a Hardee's or a Wendy's and waiting in line, observing what the people ahead of me are ordering. æThose ordering salads would be safe, but the first overweight person to order a Whopper would be done for. æI would flash my badge and slip those handcuffs on before the culprit could say "extra mayo." The politically correct crew might holler, "How about those with medical conditions?" æMy answer, "why would a medical condition justify gobs of fat in a greaseburger?"
With the way obesity is growing these days, I would need a force of several hundred thousand at least. æHow could you pay for that, you might ask? æ No problem, I would respond. æAmericans would save so much money in health care alone that I could probably have a private jet at my disposal like some of these big wig corporate executives.
The big question is, will the public accept such a police force. æRight now, there would probably be a little resistance when I handcuffed the 260 pound man who had just ordered a Big Mac with 580 calories and 33 grams of fat, especially if his children, already 20 pounds overweight themselves, were waiting for him to pay for their oversized fries and shakes. æI must admit my efforts to curtail littering haven't been especially effective, but as Fat Commissioner I would have real power and real respect.
I could be photographed with Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge„has anyone figured out what exactly he does?„and pose with models from Bow Flex ads or reformed foodaholics representing Subway.
As you know, it is difficult to catch most criminals, but all I would have to do is raid a buffet restaurant and my day's work would be over. æIt's amazing the piles of food people scarf down at those places. æI've done some undercover work in a few of them„admittedly spooning a few too many Mayo shrimp on my own plate„and I'll bet I could arrest many of the diners.
Next comes the question of punishment. æIt wouldn't be a fine, since fines don't work very well. æI would give detainees a choice of following a good, doctor recommended diet and a full range of exercise (here medical conditions would have to be fairly evaluated) or be led off by Sheriff Joe Arpaio to work on a highway chain gang. æThe latter choice would offer the double benefit of exercise and also cleaning up all the fast food mess that is thrown onto our roads.
In ending, if you think my essay is a bit ludicrous, just look at what's
going on in California. æ
|
Responses: Year: finally graduated Major: English (and ex-parrot) Comments: Ahhh! One of my ex Professors writing an article for the Magazine I was a founding member of (from wayyyy back in the day)....brain melting! Nice article by the way, I give it two thumbs up! Name: Brandon
|
|
|