View Feedback | Send this Article | Published 3/28/03

Graphic By: Baudi Ratcliffe-Hollins

  Whim's April Fool's Edition

Today, many Americans would classify themselves as either pro-war or anti-war. Not that someone who is pro-war wants war, but instead supports his troops, leaders of his country, and believes that the current Iraqi regime needs to end. An anti-war activist typically believes that war is not the answer, and that alternative means, such as UN inspections, are a better answer. Of course, everyone is different, and many people have different views on what America should do. And, naturally, rockstars also have different views on the subject. This time, words will become fists...fists of fury. The rockers of today have decided to take their frustrations out on each other in the ring in New York this Tuesday.

How have things reached this level? Glad you asked. I was lucky (when I say lucky I mean I sneaked their managers a lot of money) to grab an exclusive interview with the two main dueling frontmen for Tuesday's activities, Serj Tankian of System of a Down, representing anti-war, and Sully Erna of Godsmack, representing pro-war.

Mike: Thank you, gentlemen, for your time today. Let's get started. My first question is for you, Serj--Why have you decided to fight Sully? Doesn't that go against your take-no-violence stand on Iraq?

Serj: Not in the least, Mike. Concerning our war in Iraq, it's not that I am against taking decisive action against a hostile country. I agree with it if it is valid defense of your country. I think the Bush administration and the United States is basing its war on oil, money, and world dominance. As for fighting Sully, I have reached a so-called 'boiling point' with pro-war rockers and wish to vent my frustrations by beating someone to a pulp - in this case, Sully. Does that not seem logical?

Mike: Uh, yeah, I guess. You're Armenian aren't you, Serj? I guess you've seen your own atrocities on your homeland during your lifetime and do not want many innocent Iraqi people to undergo what you have already gone through. Is that a correct assumption?

Serj: Yes, of course. Armenia represent.

Mike: Now, Sully, you refer to yourself as a witch who not only practices the religion, but also hails from Boston, Massachusetts. My memo also says that just last week you were almost caught and burned by the townspeople of Boston for being a witch, and you barely survived. Hah! That's great! Very original, my man.

Sully: Don't laugh. It really happened. It doesn't matter though. I will still die for the Goddess.

Mike: Ugh...whatever. Can you just tell me your stand on the war on Iraq and fighting Serj?

Sully: I feel that Hussein is a tyrant who hurts more than helps his own people. The Bush administration is making the right decisions, and we also need to stand behind our troops 100%...that, and I feel like beating some Armenian @$$.

Mike: ...Serj?

Serj: Well, it looks like Sully knows how to keep in shape...

Mike: That's it. I can't take this crap. (I then proceed to leave the office at a fast pace)

The second battle of the night will pit Audioslave guitarist and anti-war activist Tom Morello against 3 Doors Down frontman and pro-war activist Brad Arnold. I'm not going to even bother getting an interview for this one.

My last interview came with rock/rapper/Limp Bizkit frontman/overall crazyman Fred Durst as to how he feels about the second Gulf War. He started to refer to me as the "(expletive deleted) Michael Jackson of interviewers," a "war-promoting (expletive deleted)," and lastly, a "(expletive deleted) egotist." Do I get paid enough for this job?

I have now come to realize that the fight this Tuesday is just a waste of time and effort. The only honest and sincere thing among these rockers is the fact that they are just letting go of their emotions and beating the snot out of each other. God bless America.

Let me know your opinion and who you think will win the fight on Tuesday. And if you are the poor soul who actually took this article seriously, then you need some major help.
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Mike Flick is a copy editor and frequent Vent submitter for Whim as well as a massive RU tool.