The Wonders of D.E.A.T.H.

View Feedback | Send this Article | Published 3/28/03


Graphic By: Jonelle Thackston

For eons humans have had to make due with traveling around by foot. The invention of devices such as cars, motorcycles, formula one racers, and so forth has changed the way we travel long distance. However, man must still travel short distances, from the living room to the kitchen for example, by foot. ębertosh, a growing corporation, located 3 miles below the surface of the Earth in Siberia, has nearly finished its prototype, the Dual Energy Amplified Teleportation Habitat. This device will make the human foot obsolete.

A house equipped with D.E.A.T.H. technology will allow its inhabitants to move from room to room in nanoseconds. No longer will you have to walk the endless 40 seconds it takes to get from your recliner to your popcorn in the kitchen. This invention will revolutionize and simplify all daily tasks, allowing its users to have more time to sit around and do nothing. This is ideal for small children who are being potty-trained; no more wet beds. With the press of a button, the child can be scanned, partitioned, atomized, transferred and de-atomized onto the toilet.

Though the prototype is not ready for consumer testing, Job Lessbm, CEO of ębertosh, is optimistic that it will be ready within the next two years. In the lab tests there have been a few recurring side effects of the D.E.A.T.H. technology. The test subjects suffered acute headaches, cramps, bloating, bleeding from the rectum, impotence, imploding, being sucked into a wormhole and various other minor aliments. "D.E.A.T.H. uses a very complicated process and should only be used by those trained to do so," comments Lessbm. Therefore, we have decided to package a professional eight-year old with every D.E.A.T.H. so the inhabitants don't have to worry about the minor details such as operation.

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Keith is 32nd level half-elf-demi-beast and a writer for the Whim Tech section and the New Yorker.

Responses:
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Name: Shannon
Year: Sophomore
Major: CIMS
Comments:
Wow, very interesting. I really don't know what else to say. That is so crazy. I loved the part about the test subjects, heh. Thank goodness D.E.A.T.H. technology isn't real (yet).

Name: Greg
Comments:
D.E.A.T.H. would make our lives so much easier.